Keep A Hold
by norrific
Summary: Season 2 in the Corresponding Shapes AU
1. Chapter 1

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: So here is 'season 2' of the Tara Janowitz AU. This story won't follow as closely to the episodes as Corresponding Shapes did but events will be mentioned and used to mark just where in the season we are.**

**Again, major thanks to Eve Levine.**

**Chapter 1**

Staring at the cold, unwelcoming, gray walls of the Stockton prison visiting room Jax could list a thousand other places he'd rather be at the moment. It wasn't even the prison itself that was making him uncomfortable. No, Jax was bracing himself for a conversation he'd rather not be having. But he had been holding Abel when he read Lenny's letter requesting he come for a visit. As a father he knew what Lenny wanted and figured having a sit down with the man was the least he could do.

More he knew just what Lenny meant to Tara. Maybe he resented the pull her father had over her, resented that she let what Lenny wanted from her come between them. But he had his own interfering, overbearing parent that didn't give him much room to talk. He just wanted them both to butt out, just let him and Tara finally be. It wouldn't happen, but he felt it important to hear what Lenny had to say. Just as it was important that Lenny hear what he had to say. And know that what he and Tara had was theirs and theirs alone.

Tara. A slow smile crept over Jax's face as he thought about her. He left her in bed that morning, he hated leaving Tara in bed. But he considered the fact that she was there a win. He could usually get her to stay with him maybe a night or two, but never anymore than that. Intellectually he knew she was right when she said it wasn't good for Nikolai to sleep on the futon in Abel's nursery. But he hated every time he came home to find his mother with Abel and Tara and Nikolai gone. Hated going to bed, smelling her on his sheets, but not having her there with him.

Her career, the club, and their boys didn't afford them much time alone together. He became possessive of the time they did have. Finding himself glaring at his mother if she lingered too long at the house or at their phones when they rang. If he couldn't have her with him all the time, he wanted all of her to himself the times he did have her. Sometimes Jax could feel himself slipping back, ready to kill himself if he didn't get to her. That scared him, scared the shit out of him. And he figured it was in everyone's best interest if he found a way to keep her and Nik at the house with him and Abel.

Jax's dark thoughts were interrupted by the clang of the doors. Looking up he saw Lenny being escorted in by a guard. It was odd, when Jax was a kid Lenny seemed like one of those men who'd never get old. The guy had been a fucking mountain back then. He'd never admit it, but Lenny had scared the shit out of him. Fuck, the old man still scared him. Didn't matter that he was older, smaller, than he had been. That he was locked up. It wasn't a physical fear. Truth was Lenny was the only man who could take Tara away from him.

* * *

><p>Walking into the visiting room, Lenny tried to think about the last time he'd seen Jax. Before he went inside that was for sure. He didn't know if the kid's look had changed, if he was bigger or smaller than he'd been. Lenny looked at Jax and all he saw was the cocky little shit who always seemed to have his hands on his little girl. Logically he knew the kid had grown into his feet, filled out so he wasn't as gangly as he had been. But Lenny didn't see any of that. When he looked at Jax all he saw was the man who took his little girl from him.<p>

"How you doing, Jackson?"

Reaching across the table, Jax shook Lenny's hand firmly and for some reason felt like a teenager meeting his date's father for the first time. "Doing pretty good. How you holding up?"

"Getting by, brother. Got something for me?"

"Yeah," Jax handed over the pictures he'd been allowed to bring in.

"Thanks," Lenny glanced down at the pictures. Naturally the first one was of Nikolai, his blonde hair already a shade darker than it was the last time he'd seen him. "How's my girl doing?"

Jax had to bite back his knee-jerk response, which was to point out that Tara was _his_ girl. But realized that was no way to start this conversation. "She's good. Pretty busy between work and the boys."

"Boys?" Lenny asked without looking up. His brow creased as he came to the last picture. Tara was seated on a couch, dressed in a pair of shorts and a SAMCRO T-shirt. Nikolai was standing behind her, his arms wrapped tight around her neck, his cheek pressed to hers. And she was holding a baby, Jax's baby, in her lap. The message couldn't have been more clear if Jax stamped mine in the middle of the picture.

"She's helping me with Abel." Jax explained needlessly. There was no way Lenny didn't know just who he meant when he said 'boys'.

"Cas wasn't too happy she stayed in Charming."

Like he gave a shit about Cas, but again, he censored himself. "I know."

"Kozik wanted to keep her close. After what happened with Opie's Old Lady, can't blame him."

Jax's fist clenched on the table. "What happened to Donna…" He didn't have the words to describe what happened to Donna. It was a fucked up situation. One he couldn't make up to Opie if he had a million years to do it. "I'm not going to let that happen to Tara. I'm not going to let her get hurt."

"Can you promise me that, brother?"

"All do respect, brother, it's not a promise I need to make to you. Tara knows I wouldn't let anything hurt her."

"I know you didn't think much of Alexei."

For a moment Jax frowned in confusion, he'd grown so use to referring to the man as The Russian he'd forgotten he actually had a name.

"But he was a good kid. He kept her safe. He died for her."

"What good does being dead do her now? I came here out of respect, but I don't need you throwing that fucking Russian back in my face. This thing that Tara and I have, it's none of your business."

"My kid, my business." Lenny didn't have to point out that the next words he spoke were a threat. The promise was in his eyes. "Anything happens to her, she gets hurt in anyway, we're going to have a real problem, Jackson. I really hope we don't have a problem."

* * *

><p>After he left Stockton, Jax headed back to the clubhouse. It was hard for him to be there, to be around Clay. But the club was his and he wasn't just about to hand it over to Clay. He didn't know how he was going to handle it when Opie came back. Was actually glad that Opie was gone for the next few weeks. Jax just wasn't ready to look his best friend in the eye and ask him to sit at the table with the two men who killed his wife.<p>

There wasn't much to do at the clubhouse. Clay was still trying to set things up with the Irish and until the Irish were ready to deal, things would remain quiet. But they still had to maintain their relationship with the Niners, keep Darby in line, and make sure the Mayans felt their presence. It was bullshit work, but considering what the previous months had been like, Jax couldn't really complain about the slower pace.

It was late when he got home, his mother's car was in the drive but the Cutlass wasn't. He knew his mother was keeping Nikolai, but leaving the house while Tara was still sleeping meant he didn't know what time she got off tonight. So there was a good possibility that she'd already been by to pick Nikolai up and headed home.

"Jackson?" Gemma called from the nursery when he stepped into the house.

Because he wasn't greeted by a little blond ball of energy shouting 'Axe' he figured Tara had already come and gone. "Yeah." He walked the short distance to Abel's nursery, going directly to the crib to smile down at his son. Already he'd grown so much. Looking at him now, it was like the first three months of his life hadn't even occurred.

"Did Tara say what time she'd be getting off?"

Jax frowned, he'd have sworn she was off already. "No. Where's Nik?"

There was a knowing look in Gemma's eye. "Asleep in the other bedroom."

He was familiar with that look from his mother, it meant she got her way on something. But Jax wasn't able to quite figure what it meant this time. Not until he stepped out of the nursery and walked to the bedroom he actually forgot was even there. Hadn't even noticed the light creeping out from under the door that was partially cracked. Pushing it open just a bit more the first thing he noticed was the small bed against the wall. Nikolai was curled on his side, fast asleep, the covers tucked up to his chin.

There was a small table beside the bed, a little motorcycle shaped lamp sitting on top, and a dresser on the opposite wall. The room was pretty sparse, no toys or pictures or anything like that, but for now it was enough. As long as Nikolai had a bed and a space of his own, Tara wouldn't really have an excuse to leave.

Suddenly the room was filled with light, Jax realized it was the headlights of the Cutlass as Tara pulled into the driveway. He stepped back out into the hallway just in time to see his mother coming from the nursery, her purse thrown over her shoulder.

Gemma stopped in front of her son, placing a hand on his chest she leaned in to kiss his cheek. "You can thank me later."

She was gone before he could say anything. Because really he was going to have to thank her.

"Hey," There was a hint of a smile in Tara's voice as she greeted Gemma. "Leaving already?"

"Oh, yeah. Those boys are a handful. I'll see you tomorrow, sweetie."

"Alright."

Jax was still standing in the hall when Tara rounded the corner. She was still in her scrubs, which meant didn't have any surgeries scheduled that day. He liked knowing that. He liked knowing her schedule and relearning all her quirks.

"Hey," Her lips curled into a smile when she saw him, stepping close until she was reaching up to press her mouth to his. Tara all but melted into the kiss, loving the way his hands came up to frame her face. Her hands itched to push his kutte off his shoulders, wanted so much to give him a shove to get him going towards the bedroom. But she needed to get her baby in bed. "Sorry I can't stay tonight."

Jax kept his hands fisted in her hair, tilting her head back so that he could trail his lips down her neck. With both the boys sleep he knew now was the perfect time to get her into the shower. "Yeah you can."

His mouth was at her ear, his teeth pulling at her earlobe until she whimpered. She pressed her hips against his, needing to feel as much of him as she could. "I can't. I have to get Nikolai to bed."

"He's in bed." Jax murmured the words into the crook of her neck, using his head to nudge hers in the direction of the bedroom.

It took a moment for Tara to realize just what he wanted her to do and another moment for the lust to clear from her eyes so that she could see her baby sleeping peacefully in the little toddler bed. Instantly her heart melted. "Jax-"

But whatever she was going to say was cut off as Jax covered her mouth with his. As far as he was concerned there was no need for her to say anything else, because there was no need for her and Nikolai to leave. There was no need for them to spend another night apart.

* * *

><p>Jax wasn't sure how to handle these…<em>shifts<em>, in his life. Talking to Tara about Abel as he filled some poor sap full of bullets. Part of him wished she hadn't said I love you, wished he didn't need to give the words back to her. What he did today had to be done, for Opie, for the club. This guy, whoever the fuck he was, maybe he deserved to die. But it was all a lie. A lie he hoped he didn't have to feed to Tara.

God he hoped she didn't ask him about his day. There'd be some part of her that would want the guy who killed Donna to pay. It would be like Kohn all over again. She'd be glad the son of bitch was dead, but sorry for his part in it. And feeding her this lie, he'd allow her to continue to love the men truly responsible for Donna's death.

Jax knew Tara and Opie deserved better than this. Knew Donna did as well. But he didn't know what else to do. Donna was gone. And selfishly he wanted to keep Opie and Tara. In order to do that, he had to make sure they never learned the truth.

* * *

><p>"You staying at Jax's tonight?"<p>

Tara's cell phone was tossed in the middle of the bed as she slipped into her favorite lounge clothes. She was tired, beat actually, especially after the strange conversation with Gemma. Not like it was the first time Gemma questioned her about birth control, but she hadn't appreciated the conversation anymore the second time than she did the first. Then for her to tack on that whole 'no truth, no pussy' adage was more than Tara could handle in one night. She loved Gemma, she truly did, but she didn't know if she could deal with the woman positioning herself smack in the middle of hers and Jax's relationship. "Yeah, why?"

"Nothing. Just…two weeks in a row. Don't you think Nik deserves to sleep in a bed every now and again."

"He is sleeping in a bed." The smile spread slowly across her face and she was glad Kozik was on the phone. He'd ride her like Zorro if he knew just how sappy she was getting. "Jax set up the extra room for Nik. Bed, dresser, and everything."

Kozik was quiet a moment. "Good. Nik's no second class citizen."

"Jax loves Nikolai. And Nikolai loves him. He wouldn't mistreat my son, Kozik. I wouldn't _let_ him mistreat my son."

"I know you wouldn't." He paused, even over the phone the silence between them completely comfortable. "This feels odd. Not being around to protect you."

"You could always transfer, become a member of SAMCRO again."

"Thought about it. But then who'd keep Cas out of trouble with both of us gone."

Tara's heart sank. Selfishly she wanted all her guys with her. She knew it was impossible to have Cas around full time, but she'd love to have Kozik back in Charming especially with Happy making noises about staying around. "I guess that's true. Left to his own devices he'd knock up half of Tacoma and shoot the other half."

"Speaking of knocked up, you still on the pill right."

"That's none of your damn business, Herman."

"What have I told you about calling me that?"

"You're in Tacoma, I'm not exactly shaking in my boots."

"I really think we were too good to you, such a fucking brat. Look I gotta go. Be safe, Princess."

"Don't worry about me so much. Things have been downright boring around here lately."

* * *

><p>Tara had known the moment Jax came in the door that something wasn't entirely right with him. Really she'd known from their conversation on the phone earlier. But she didn't want to pry. It wasn't until he remained in the shower longer than usual that she finally made her way down the hall to the bathroom.<p>

It was like he was trying to drown himself. She hated to see him this way. Hated not knowing what was wrong or how to fix it. She didn't want to pry, she knew things had been tense between him and Clay lately. And she knew he was still grieving Donna just as she was. So she figured he just needed time to get his head on straight. Wanting to give him that she gathered up his discarded clothes to take to the laundry. Giving him one less thing to do seemed to be the least _she_ could do.

When she saw the blood on his clothes her heart stop. For one panicked filled moment she thought the blood was his, was going to rush back into the bathroom to check him over before reason set in. She'd seen him when he came in, saw him in the shower. He wasn't the one hurt. The heaviness she saw on him was the same as he had the morning after they killed Kohn. No, not entirely the same. And that's what caused the sick feeling in her gut.

The feeling only worsened when he gave her the truth. She hated that for a moment, she was actually relieved. Glad that the man who killed Donna was dead. But when she looked at Jax she forgot all about her own feelings. This was killing him. Twisting him up so that he was turning in on himself.

This hadn't been easy for him and she was grateful for that. She didn't want killing to ever be easy for him. But she didn't want him to suffer this way either. Couldn't bare to lose him this way. She took the clothes to the laundry, absently wondered if she should burn them as she set the machine. On her way back to the bedroom she checked on the boys. They were both sleeping peacefully, unaware of the world around them.

Going to the bedroom she took a moment to just watch Jax, the way he curled in on himself. Hiding. The act he put on in the bathroom having slipped away. What he'd done hadn't been easy for him. But crossing the room and crawling into bed with him had been far easier than it should have been for her.


	2. Chapter 2

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 2**

Tara hated lying to Jax, even if just a lie by omission. She hated it because she'd asked him for the truth and he gave it to her. Told her how much he appreciated her wanting to know. And she knew that took a lot for him, because it never seemed to sit right with him just how much her dad told her of the club's business. But she could see that every time he was able to share something with her, it made the weight on his shoulders just a little bit lighter.

The secret she kept, it wasn't hers to tell, not really. At least not all of it. His mother had been beaten and raped. It was Gemma's right not to tell him what happened, Tara knew that. And really she was in no position to lecture Gemma. She had her own secrets she was keeping from him. What's worse, she couldn't even speak to Gemma about it. Not even now, when it was important for Gemma to know she wasn't alone.

It was just that Gemma was counting on her to be strong, to help her through this. And Tara felt that in order to do that, she couldn't tell Gemma of what she'd gone through. But it twisted her up something awful. Keeping her awake at night. She had nightmares about what Gemma had gone through. She hated to think about it. No woman deserved that. And she hadn't been able to keep her hands-always so sure and steady-from shaking as she treated the only mother she'd ever known.

So many times she wanted to look Gemma in the eye and tell her that she wasn't alone. Because she knew, as much as she wished she hadn't, what Gemma was feeling. She understood the fear, the numbness, the disgust. She knew what it was to recoil at the thought of being touched. Of not being able to shower enough or standing under the spray until the water turned cool and still not feeling clean. She knew what it was to force yourself to stay awake for fear of what lurked behind closed lids.

Tara knew all of those things. But she hadn't been able to tell Gemma she knew. Truth was she didn't know what to do for Gemma. Because she knew what it was like for someone to say _I know_ and wanting to scream back _No, you _don't _fucking know. _She wanted to lie and tell Gemma it would all be okay, but the truth was it wouldn't. There was no forgetting. More than anything that's what Tara had wanted, to be able to forget. She had been able to move on, move forward, but not forget. Because it was always there, lurking beneath the surface.

Gemma was stronger than her, Tara understood that. But she wasn't sure just how Gemma would get through this.

* * *

><p>"Axe!"<p>

It was a greeting he was use to, actually one he'd come to expect whenever he walked in the door. Jax couldn't always make it back home before the boys were down for the night and he always felt like he was missing something when he came home to a quiet house. He loved the time he got with Abel, just the two of them, before settling him in his crib. And he loved the way Nikolai launched himself into his arms the moment he stepped in the door. So he was glad to come home to find them all still up and braced himself to receive an arm full of wild toddler.

"Axe, look!" Instead of flinging himself at Jax as he usually did, Nikolai stopped just short of the door. For a moment he stood completely still before he began to shake his entire body. His hair-now a light brown-swinging wildly with his movements. "See! I got new hair."

It was hard to notice, what with his hair going every which way, but knowing what was required of him Jax lifted the little boy into his arms. "I see that, buddy." He combed his fingers through the kid's hair, trying to give it some semblance of order. It was still long, Jax thought it may still be longer than his, but it was cut in a way that kept it out of his eyes without him looking like a total dweeb. "I like it."

"Good answer." Tara was leaning against the post, Abel on her hip. The baby's hands were tangled in her hair, doing his best to pull the dark locks into his mouth. "He's very proud of that haircut."

"You should have waited for me." Jax closed the distance between them, planting a kiss first on Abel's temple then one on Tara's lips. "I would have took him. Hope it wasn't too traumatic for you."

"I thought we were going to have to sedate her."

Jax turned to see Happy coming out of the bathroom. He'd seen the other bike in the drive, but just that quickly forgot that someone else was in the house.

"She didn't want to go, but I couldn't take another second of seeing the kid's hair like that."

"I was a bitch."

"Nikolai!" The scolding tone Tara was going for was drowned out by Jax and Happy's laughter. "That's a bad word. You don't say that." Reaching out, she placed one hand over his ear, gently pressing his other into Jax's shoulder before turning her attention to Happy. "And I can't believe you called my baby a bitch."

"I didn't call him a bitch. I said you let his hair grow any longer people would treat him like a bitch."

"Don't say things like that either." Tara mumbled as she took her hand off of Nikolai's ear.

"I liked his hair the way it was." Jax added as he once again ran his hand over Nikolai's hair, earning a grin and hug from the little boy. "So, how did he do?"

Tara walked back into the living room, settling into the corner of the couch. "Fine. I was actually surprised."

"The kid's got his mom's brain." Jax began as he sat down next to her. "He's smart enough to be scared of Happy like everyone else." It was clear that Nikolai understood exactly what he said as he jumped off of Jax's lap and charged full speed at Happy.

Happy picked the boy up and tossed him easily into the air. "Our kid ain't scared of shit."

"Happy, please." Tara admonished. "He's like a parrot."

"No point of trying to monitor his language, babe." Leaning across the couch, Jax rested his head against Tara's breasts, pleased when she placed Abel on his stomach. "Not with all the time he spends with my mom. So what brings you to town, Hap? Hope it wasn't just to take the little man to get a haircut. Could have saved you the trip on that." As much as he wanted to, he didn't point out that he could have and was planning on taking Nikolai to get his hair cut. He didn't need Happy coming in and running interference.

"I was already in town, bro. I'll be heading out tomorrow after I go see Lenny."

"Mommy, look!" Nikolai had crawled around Happy's shoulders, one arm locked around the man's neck the other held out like he was flying.

"Jesus."

Laughing at Tara's muttered curse, Jax shifted Abel until the baby was laying across his chest. "Come here before you give your mom a heart attack, buddy."

Tara's eyebrow hitched in question. "And all of a sudden you're against him doing crazy stuff."

"You guys are seriously freaking me out with this Ozzie and Harriet shit." Happy set Nikolai back on his feet to keep Tara from losing her shit. "Just seems wrong that two people who picked one's wedding to-"

"Do not," Tara began quickly. "Finish that sentence. I really wish you all would stop telling that story."

Jax's grin was all too pleased as he helped Nikolai onto the couch. "I happen to like that story."

"Maybe you can use it down at CaraCara." Happy advised.

Jax would swear the temperature in the room dropped several degrees.

"I need to get the boys ready for bed."

There was no doubt in Jax's mind that if he wasn't currently holding the boys Tara would have shoved him off the couch on her way up. She lifted Abel off his chest, settled him on her hip before reaching out to take Nikolai's hand.

Happy waited until he heard the bathroom door close. "Something I said."

"What do you fucking think?"

* * *

><p>Not for the first time Tara dreamed of sneaking off to catch a nap. She didn't want to sleep long, thought an hour would be enough to recharge her batteries. Her lunch break would have been an ideal time to catch that nap. But she would be working through lunch. And almost on cue she heard a distinct, all too familiar giggle.<p>

Stepping around the desk she was using to hide from the new hosptial admin, Tara glanced down the hall to see Gemma making her way up the corridor. She was holding Abel's carrier, Nikolai was walking on the other side his hand wrapped around the handle as well.

"Mommy." Nikolai smiled wide at the sight of his mother. "I help Gemma with Ably."

"Such the gentleman." Meeting them half-way, Tara easily took the baby carrier out of Gemma's hand. "Can you help mommy, now?"

Nikolai nodded, shooting his mother a proud grin.

Leading them up the hall Tara turned her attention to Gemma, waiting for the older woman to lean towards her before placing her arm around her shoulders. "How are you feeling?"

"Tired. Those boys of yours are a work out."

"Gemma, you shouldn't be keeping them alone. You're still recovering. Where's Neeta?"

"I sent her home." Gemma allowed herself a moment to lean into Tara. "You'll be paying her enough once I head back to work at the garage. Right now I just want my grandsons to myself."

There was a time when Tara would have questioned Gemma, made sure she wasn't filling Nikolai's head with things that may never be true. But it was clear the boys were providing Gemma with something no one else could, so she left it alone. "How are you feeling?" She asked again.

"Bout the same."

"You're moving around a bit better. Right here." Tara gestured towards the empty office. Most of the OB/GYN's had examination rooms attached to their offices. And they often allowed other doctors to use their offices to catch a few moments peace when they weren't there.

"It's pretty quiet up here."

"Patients don't stay too long up here, insurance companies want them out as soon as possible. Just go straight through." Tara gestured towards a set of double doors that closed the examination room off from the office.

There was a couch in the office, a quick glance allowed her to see that she'd have a clear view of it while she examined Gemma. "On the couch, Nicky." Dutifully Nikolai crawled onto the couch while Tara sat Abel's seat on the floor. Abel seemed completely absorbed in his hands, but still she placed his favorite toy-a small stuffed monkey-in the chair with him. She handed Nikolai one of his books, "Give mommy a few minutes and we'll be done, okay."

"Okay, Mommy."

Walking back towards the examination room, Tara stopped for a few moments as she took the time to really look at Gemma. She was wearing a long peasant skirt, she'd been wearing a lot of those lately as well as a large sweater that was nearly as long as the skirt. For as long as Tara had known the other woman, she'd always seemed larger than life. Filling up any room she stepped into. Just recently Gemma began to shrink away, slipping to the back of a room until she practically disappeared.

Tara hated it, she fucking hated it. This wasn't Gemma, this wasn't ever suppose to be Gemma. Sometimes she wanted to take the other woman by the shoulders, shake her, and yell at her to fight back. All Tara wanted was for Gemma to fight back.

Gemma talked about the rape in fits and starts, but Gemma had never been the open up and share type. She'd tell Tara if she was having pain, if she couldn't sleep. Sometimes she'd let her know if she was pissed. But rarely ever more than that. Once Tara nearly begged Gemma to tell her who'd done it. She had no intention of telling Jax and Clay. Happy was more than capable of finding the fuckers and taking care of them discretely. At the last moment she realized how unfair that would be-to Gemma, to Jax and Clay, shit even to Happy.

"You don't want me to put on one of those ugly ass gowns do you."

"Sorry." Tara smiled as she walked over to the large metal cabinet in the corner to pull out the standard hospital gown to hand to Gemma before going to the sink to wash her hands. "Are you still having any pain or discomfort?"

"No. Bruises are practically healed."

"I noticed the swelling on your face has gone down, too." Tara kept her eyes trained on her hands, biting back a curse as her vision clouded. Her hands were shaking. She recognized the signs, felt the familiar flow in her veins. She knew rage well, hadn't felt it quite like this in a long time. And hated herself for wanting to greet it like an old friend. She wanted to hurt something. No not some_thing_, some_one_. She wanted to find whoever had done this to Gemma and hurt them.

"I think your hands are clean, sweetie."

The sound of Gemma's voice snapped her back, a glance over at the boys had the rage slipping away. "It's believed that in order to make sure you wash your hands long enough you should sing the first verse to _Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. _Sometimes I get wrapped up in the song." Pulling a few paper towels out of the holder she dried her hands before turning the water off.

Going to the examination table she grabbed the edge of the roll of white tissue paper situated at the head, pulling it down to cover the table before grabbing a pair of gloves out of the box on the side. "You can climb up."

When she noticed Gemma struggling a bit, she placed her hand gently under the older woman's forearm to help her. "No pain or discomfort."

Properly chastised, Gemma couldn't help but to give a proud smile. "Just some." She admitted this time. Tara cut her a look, one she was sure she'd given the girl a time or two before. "Honest."

"Alright. Feet in the stirrups. How were the boys today?"

It took Gemma a minute to switch gears. "They were fine. Abel watches Nik like he's a movie."

Tara laughed, her eyes flicking momentarily to the office. Nikolai had climbed off the couch, as she knew he would, and was now sitting down next to Abel's carrier. "Yeah he does, he's completely fascinated. I love when Nik asks Abel a question and honestly expects an answer in return."

"I haven't seen him do that yet. He's good with him, though. I think he likes finally being bigger than someone. Jax was the same way."

"Jax was the same way until he was sixteen. Remember how pissed off he was that summer I was taller than him?"

"How could I forget? He pouted and you went out of your way to rub his face in it. You were both such obnoxious little shits."

"We tried. Okay, we're all done." Tara pushed back from the table, pulling her gloves off and once again going to the sink.

With a frown Gemma lifted her legs from the stirrups. She understood now why Abel did so well when Tara was examining him. Though it hadn't seemed possible, for a moment she was able to allow her mind to forget just why she was there. "You're good."

"Learned a few tricks during pediatric rounds." She gave Gemma a moment to get herself settled before going over to help her off the table.

"So," Gemma began once she was dressed. "How am I doing?"

"You're healing, which is good." She could give Gemma a physical report, make that as positive as she could. As to the rest… "In a couple weeks I want to run an HIV test." She watched as Gemma's face went completely pale. "It's standard Gemma."

"I know, I know. I just…" She hadn't thought it, hadn't allowed that thought to even cross her mind. Now she wasn't sure if she'd be able to think about anything else. "I don't think it's necessary."

"It is." Tara's voice was firm, broking no argument.

"When did you become such a hard ass?"

"Learned from the best."

* * *

><p>"Gemma's going to come over to have breakfast with me and the boys in the morning."<p>

Wrapping the towel around his waist, Jax stepped into the bedroom with a confused frown on his face. "You have to get up awfully early to fix breakfast before work don't you."

"I'm off tomorrow."

Now Jax was even more confused. Tara didn't get very many off days and usually she made a point to tell him about any she had coming up so they could make plans together. "When were you planning on telling me about that?"

"I told you just now."

"That's not what I meant. I could get a couple hours tomorrow, we could have done something together."

"Don't you have a porn empire to build?"

The words _fuck me_ flashed through his mind as he dropped his head back with a sigh. He wasn't sure why he didn't see this coming. When he told her about CaraCara and the club getting into the porn business she hadn't even attempted to make him think she was cool with it. Actually it was clear she'd been pissed off about it. After Happy's visit the previous week she once again went out of her way to show him just how unhappy she was about it. He was just kind of hoping that she wouldn't be so pissed at _him_ about it. "Tara."

"What?"

Jax approached the bed slowly. "This is good for the club. For _us._"

Something dangerous flashed in Tara's eyes. "That's really what you want to go with."

"It's legit income." Jax stressed. "This works out, we get into more legitimate business. Clay's fighting me on this, I don't need you to fight me, too."

"I'm not fighting you, Jax." As much as she really wanted to, she wasn't fighting him. But she felt she had a right to be pissed and it really fucked her up that Clay was the only other person who was disgusted by SAMCRO producing porn. She loved Luann, really she did, but nothing about the porn industry felt right to her. The whole business made her skin crawl.

And she didn't think it was crazy that she was so not okay with her boyfriend waking up every morning to go out the door and oversee his porn kingdom. The way women were treated around the club was bad enough. This just added a whole new slimy layer she just did not want to think about. "Club business. What I think doesn't matter."

"It matters to me. I need you to trust me, Tara. This will be good for us, I promise." He'd turn the club around, make Charming safe for her. He'd show Lenny and Kozik, that he could take care of her. "I wouldn't do it otherwise."

Tara knew that he really was just trying to do what was right, but she couldn't be okay with this. Not this.

"I love you, Tara."

"I love you, too."

"Mommy!" Nikolai came charging into the room, a manic grin on his lips.

"Nikolai." Tara had intended for her voice to be scolding, but the smile on her face wouldn't allow it. "What have I told you about shouting? You're going to wake Abel."

Nikolai winced, but his grin stayed in place. "Sorry." He held his arms out to her. "Put me to bed, Mommy."

With a roll of her eyes Tara crossed the room to scoop her son up in her arms. "Are you tired, baby?"

Placing his head on her shoulder, Nikolai gave a contented sigh. "Took care of Ably all day."

"I'm so proud of you." Tara brushed the tip of his nose with her own. "I have something for you." The giggle escaped when Nikolai's mouth dropped open in surprise excitement.

"Mommy, I want everything."

"Of course you do." Tara carried him to the foot of the bed where her work bag sat. "Close your eyes." Dutifully, Nikolai clinched his eyes shut tightly and for good measure he brought his small hands up to cover them as well. "Okay, open your eyes."

"Pup!" Nikolai practically shouted. "Axe, look, it's Pup!" He took the stuff dog out of his mother's hand to clutch it to his chest.

Jax grinned. "I'm surprised he slept without it for this long."

"Makes two of us. You remember these." Tara gestured to the dog.

It took a moment. "_Pound Puppies_." Jax's grin was as boyish as Nikolai's had been. "I remember you had a thousand of those."

"My dad would bring me one back whenever he went on a run. Happy went and got this one from storage after Nicky was born. He's had it ever since."

"Pup's a great name for a dog, buddy."

"If he'd come up with it." Tara rolled her eyes as she shifted Nikolai in her arms. "The fact that it was the best Kozik could come up with is just kind of sad."

Jax nodded, not sure why he was bothered by this. The guys in Tacoma were Nikolai's family long before he came into the picture. They'd been there with him through everything. So of course these little things, giving him his favorite toy, helping him name it, would be theirs. But he wanted something that was just his and the little man's. Abel was his kid, there was nothing anyone could do to take him away or sever that bond. Unfortunately the same was not true for Nikolai. And he hated it. "Here," Reaching out he lifted Nikolai out of Tara's arms. "I'll put him to bed."

It wasn't just that Jax offered, it was that Nikolai didn't argue, that had the smile curling Tara's lips. "You sure?"

"Yeah. I'm gonna check on Abel, too, so you can go ahead and get in the bed." Leaning in he brushed a kiss over her mouth. "Feel free to be naked when I get back."

She wasn't naked when he got back, but his disappointment was short lived when he realized he'd get to undress her. Carelessly he tossed the towel aside, a slow grin curling his lips as he stretched out over her.

"I already told your mom we'd have breakfast tomorrow." He might be getting into a business that, frankly, disgusted her. But he was just so good with her baby. That was worth more than anything in the world. "But the next off day I have, I promise, I'm yours."

Jax tried not to let his triumph show. "I'm going to hold you to that."

* * *

><p>It turned out that getting a day with Tara wasn't as easy as her being off. And Jax wasn't happy about any of it. He refused to admit that Clay was right, that CaraCara was turning out to be more work than what it was worth. But the truth was they were all beginning to get on his fucking nerves. Clay giving him shit every time he turned around, not being able to find the guys when he needed them, and Luanne and her girls needing something every minute of every fucking day. Some times it just got to be so much all he wanted to do was bury his face in Tara's neck until it all went away.<p>

Opie's shit didn't help matters. Jax realized it was going to take his friend awhile to get over Donna's death and it was the time he could deal with. Opie seemed to have a death wish, _that_ he just couldn't handle. And fucking Clay, going out of his way to ingratiate himself with Opie. Jax didn't know what it was, hoped he never knew, but it took something real fucked up to be able to kill a man's wife one day and hug him like a son the next.

To make matters worse, it seemed Gemma was falling apart on top of everything else. He couldn't remember, not really, just how she'd been when Thomas died. He'd been too young. Been too lost in his own fog of grief and sadness to see what she was going through. But he remembered her being strong when JT died. Remembered thinking that if she could hold her head up and be strong than so could he. Remembered thinking his father would want him to be a man. But now, now there was something way off with Gemma.

He'd seen her and Clay fight before, knew they could shout themselves hoarse when they wanted to. But he'd never seen his mother as he had outside of CaraCara, the fear in her eyes, the shrillness in her voice. It froze him right where he stood. And he could only be grateful for Tara when she went to wrap her arms around his mother's shoulders. Jax considered asking just what the fuck was going on. But truthfully he was afraid of the answer he'd receive.

He didn't understand why everything had to fall apart at once.

* * *

><p>Jax braced his hands just over the top of the stall, it took what little strength he had left to hold himself up. He didn't trust himself to move, didn't trust his legs to keep him upright. "Jesus Christ." His breath was coming out in short shallow pants. Everything may have been falling apart but this, with Tara, was always right. Once again, with her, he found his center.<p>

Tara wanted to laugh, but lacked the energy to do so. Her own behavior shocked her, or would have if she could fire up enough brain cells to process what had just happened. The steps that lead them here, partially naked in a porn studio, were a bit foggy. But she couldn't scrap up enough dignity to regret it. She loved making Jax lose control. Loved knowing that he was so lost in her that nothing and no one else registered.

"Jesus Christ." Jax repeated for lack of anything better. Pulling back just enough to slant his mouth over Tara's. Her lips were swollen and soft and hot and he knew if he wasn't careful he'd push their luck even farther. When he pulled back she whimpered, catching his bottom lip between her teeth to draw out the kiss. "Come on, babe. We got lucky, but there's no way we can go another round without someone coming in here."

The image of that porn slut coming into the bathroom flashed through her mind, Tara considered telling him they'd already been caught but her brain had ceased to function when he began to slowly slid out of her.

"Shit." Jax swore when he slipped completely from her body. "Forgot the condom." Again. Tara was on the pill, but they both believed they could never be too careful. And normally they were good at remembering. But more times than he cared to admit to, when he was with Tara his mind simply clicked off and he didn't think about a condom until it was much too late.

"I did just kind of spring this on you." He helped her off the counter and Tara was grateful for that as her legs felt far from steady. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize." He'd pulled up his jeans, but leaned in to kiss her before snapping them closed. Which was a mistake because she was still partially naked and he was much too aware of the fact. "Fuck, I gotta get you home." He took a step back, her jeans were down around one ankle. He remembered she was wearing panties, but he was almost sure he ripped the damn things clear off of her.

There was an appreciative grin on his face as he watched her dress, loving the way she shimmied as she pulled the jeans over her hips, and loving even more the way her ass looked in those jeans as she bent over to slip her boots back on.

"Where the hell are my panties?" Tara muttered.

"Ripped. No point in looking for them."

"It's not that. I just…I don't want someone coming in here and finding them. According to Bobby one of your brothers collects women's panties. I had a couple pair missing when Nik and I stayed at the clubhouse. I have nightmares about where they are and what they're used for now."

"Doesn't matter," Jax reached out to wrap his arm around her waist, pulling her tight to his chest. "It's as close as any man is getting to your panties anyway."

Tara grinned, fisting his kutte in her hands as she leaned in for a kiss. "You really are a smooth talker, Teller."


	3. Chapter 3

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: So in this chapter I'm going to take advantage of the 6 month timeframe of season 2 and veer off from the show. This chapter picks up after the run in Eureka. Can not say this enough but big thanks to Eve Levine for all her help on this.**

**Chapter 3**

Normally Jax really liked going on runs. He liked being on the road, the freedom he felt, the vastness of it all. He could be alone and enjoy it when he was on the road. This time, however, he just wanted to go home. He was tired-mentally, physically, emotionally. He could deal with fighting with Clay, with his step-father blocking him at every turn. What he couldn't deal with was Opie questioning everything he did and said.

His whole life, if he could count on no one else, he could count on Opie. Yeah Opie was quick to call him on his bullshit, to keep him in check. But Opie always, _always_, had his back. He didn't like not being sure of having his best friend's support. Didn't like the way he had to keep from blurting out that Clay was the reason Donna was dead. He just wanted to put this run and it's misadventures in his rearview.

It was this thought that had him up early the next morning, his brothers wouldn't appreciate it, but he planned on kicking them awake. If they insisted on fucking around, he wouldn't be above leaving without them.

He'd been making his way through the clubhouse when his prepay rang. He sighed, impatient and annoyed that something may be coming up that would keep him from getting to where he wanted to go.

"Hello."

"Sorry to call you so early, baby." Tara's voice was distracted, just a tad breathless.

"It's okay." Jax shoved the toe of his shoe into the Prospect's side, fully prepared to charge him with waking the others. "Everything okay?"

"No. It's Cas…Jax, he's been shot."

One thing right after the fucking other. "Jesus Christ. Is he okay?"

"I don't know, Kozik won't tell me anything. Dozer, Needles, all the others, they're being really tight lipped."

"They probably just don't want to worry you." Though it was selfish, Jax wished they had called to tell her well after Cas had healed.

"Well they failed."

"They got a doc or what."

"I don't know…I just…I don't know any-fucking-thing. I just…" She sighed, Jax was almost sure that in another second she'd be throwing shit. "I'm heading out there, I'll know more-"

"Wait." Jax's voice was harsh as he interrupted her. "What?"

"I'm heading to Tacoma. Jax…I have to go."

He knew she did. She and Cas were as close as he and Opie. And she put off visiting her father to save his son, of course she'd drop everything to go to Cas when he was shot. "What about the kids?"

"Well, I didn't know when you would be home. So I was going to take them with me."

"You're going to take two kids on a sixteen hour drive."

"We're gonna fly. You're mother's coming with me to help. I don't know when we'll be back. I'm sorry, I probably should have talked to you before-"

"No," Jax sighed as he stepped outside. "I don't know what's going on with Gemma but she couldn't handle two boys right now. I think it'll be good for her to get away for awhile." He'd been anxious to get back home, now that he realized he'd be going home to an empty house it didn't seem all that ideal. "Hey, you know what, why don't I meet you there."

There was a long pause on her end. "Really? You'd do that?"

"Yeah, of course. Just tell me where you'll be staying."

"We're going to the house."

He didn't ask her to clarify what house, didn't need her to. And although the last thing he wanted to do was spend time in the house she shared with her Russian, he couldn't very well back out now. He sure as shit wasn't going to stay in a motel or at the clubhouse, away from Tara and the boys, because he couldn't stand that dead Russian fuck. If anything he couldn't understand why she still had the goddamn house.

* * *

><p>"No." Clay's voice was firm, broking no argument as he stood across from his stepson. It was early, everyone was dragging, the trip back to Charming always seeming harder than the trip away. The last thing he wanted-first thing in the morning-was to deal with Jax's bullshit. "We got things to do to get <em>our<em> charter square. Can't have you traipsing off to Tacoma."

"I wasn't asking you for permission." Jax actually wondered who the fuck Clay thought he was to tell him where he could go and when. "I was telling you. The VP in Tacoma has been shot, they need our support."

"He's right, brother." Bobby's voice held a calmness both Jax and Clay's lacked. "Gotta show we have their back…whatever they need."

"We'd expect them to do it for us." Tig put in.

Clay felt boxed in, was almost sure that's what Jax planned. But he couldn't deny that the prospect of not having Jax around for a few days wasn't entirely unpleasant. "So you just gonna ride up there alone?"

"Not alone." Chibs corrected. "I'll ride with him."

Jax looked to Opie, waited for him to say something, but it was Happy who spoke up next.

"I'm going too."

"Fine." Clay waved a his hand impatiently. "Go. Just be back in Charming in a couple days."

Jax stood where he was a moment, lips curling in a cruel smirk. "I'll see you when I see you." He'd be damned if he let Clay dictate his every fucking move.

* * *

><p>By the time they arrived in Tacoma Jax would have sworn every inch of his body was screaming out in pain. If he'd been tired before, he was just plain exhausted now. He would have sworn the hours dragged and the road stretched on forever. When the house finally came in to view he all but sighed in relief. All he wanted was a hot shower, a warm bed, and Tara.<p>

Jax didn't know if Needles had been on the lookout for them or if he heard the bikes coming, but they hadn't even stopped when he stepped out of the gate leading to the front door with the large Chocolate Lab trailing obediently behind him. "Pull them in by the garage."

With a nod, Jax rode the few feet towards the garage, the gate there having opened only seconds before.

Needles had walked down behind them. He walked up to the key pad beside the garage door, quickly punching in the code that had the doors sliding up. The garage was full of bikes, Jax knew only a few belonged to Tacoma members. The rest were ones that the Russian collected.

They pulled their bikes in, lining them up with the others.

"What's the news?" Happy asked first as he climbed off his bike, moving forward to greet the other man with a hug. When he stepped back he absently brushed a hand over the top of the dog's head.

"It's a fucking miracle he's alive." Needles informed them as he returned the hug before moving to greet Jax and Chibs in the same fashion. "Two shots-one to the shoulder, one to the gut-lost a lot of blood. But the son of a bitch was lucky. Tara called him a universal receiver." He lead them out of the garage, hitting a button that had the doors closing on their way out, then around the small structure to the front door.

"Blood type." Chibs clarified, having caught the confused looks Jax and Happy shared. "He's AB positive, meaning the hospital was able to pump his ass full of whatever blood they had available."

"Yeah," Needles nodded in agreement. "Like I said, lucky."

Happy stopped before they could step into the house, causing the others to stop as well. "So what the hell happened?"

"Two fucking junkies tried to rob the store Cas was in. Some old guy, a lady, and her two kids were inside as well. One of the kids freaked, junkie got spooked. Cas jumped in front of the kid-" Needles pointed to his stomach. "Took the bullet in the gut. The other asshole, hearing the shot, turns and fires. This one catches Cas in the shoulder."

"They catch the guys who did it." Jax asked.

Needles shook his head. "Fuckers were wearing masks. Cops got dick…we're doing are own investigation."

"Rest of the boys out searching now?" When Needles nodded, Happy started back towards his bike. "I'm gonna go catch up with them."

Jax frowned. "You fresh enough for that, bro."

"Bet your ass I am."

"Keep us updated." Walking into the house, Jax did his best not to take it all in. Would have sworn the place was bigger than he remembered. The entrance alone was bigger than his fucking living room. "Where's everyone else?"

"Dozer, Kozik, and Tara are at the hospital. Gemma's in the back with the baby. Nik's outside schooling the prospect." Needles grinned. "Gotta tell you, brother, I missed the fuck out of that kid terrorizing everyone around here."

"Be proud he's in Charming terrorizing everyone there." Chibs laughed. "Little fucking wild man Tara's bringing up."

"Wouldn't have him any other way." Jax added, trying not to let his exhaustion give way to irritation. He didn't like that Tara was at the hospital with Dozer, Kozik, and Cas. Didn't trust those three men not to be filling her head with ideas of moving back to Tacoma.

"We had the prospect get rooms ready for you guys, we figured you'd all be ready to drop. Kitchen's stocked, too, if you're hungry." He informed them as he lead them into a large room towards the back of the house.

Gemma was sitting on the couch, her hand out to support Abel who was propped up against the arm and staring out of the large glass doors toward the pool. The baby was bouncing excitedly on his short legs, every so often squeals of excitement escaping him. As the men stepped into the room, Gemma glanced up to smile at her son.

"Look Abel, daddy's here." She turned the baby around to face Jax. It took a moment, as Abel's initial reaction was to cry at being turned away from the door. But when he finally stopped fussing enough to focus on the men across the room, a large smile spread across the baby's face.

Jax crossed the room in a few long strides, his grin as easy and free as his son's. "Hey, buddy." He lifted the baby out of Gemma's arms. Holding him up a moment, just taking in the little face that was so much like his own before bringing him close to his chest. Holding his son it was like everything-all the shit with Clay, with Opie, the road fatigue, everything-just melted away. "I missed you." He kissed his son's cheek, laughing when the baby quickly turned his head to press his drooling mouth to his. "You been good."

"A little angel." Gemma confirmed as she stood to kiss her own son. "He had to balance out the other one." She jerked her head toward the glass doors.

Jax followed her gaze, but the grin he wore quickly dropped at the site of Nikolai running around the pool chasing the prospect. "Get Tara on the fucking phone." He tossed over his shoulder as he marched towards the doors, yanking them open with more force than necessary. "Hey!"

"Axe!" Instantly Nikolai gave up his game to charge at Jax, small arms locking around his leg. "I missed you, Axe."

Keeping his angry glare on the confused prospect, Jax reached down to lift Nikolai up. The move made easier by the toddler practically climbing up his side until his arms could lock around his neck. "Missed you, too, little man."

The prospect, having seemed to grow tired of being glared at by someone he didn't even know, crossed his arms defensively over his chest. "There a problem."

"Yeah, there's a fucking problem. The kid was running around the fucking pool. He could have fallen in, asshole."

"Axe?" Nikolai's voice was small, eyes welling up at Jax's harsh tone. "Mad at me?"

"No, buddy." Jax turned to rest he forehead against Nikolai's. "No, I'm not mad at you. It's okay, don't cry." He pressed a kiss to the boy's brow before turning to carry him back into the house.

Gemma did her best to keep the smile off her face at the sight of her son. He just looked so comfortable, so at ease, carrying a son on each arm. Nikolai may not have been his, Abel may not have been Tara's, but it didn't seem to matter. There was nothing of that damn junkie in Abel or of that useless Russian in Nikolai. Those boys were Jax and Tara's. Before long the junkie and the Russian would be completely forgotten.

"Jackie-boy." Chibs was holding out his cell. "I got Tara."

Jax moved to put Nikolai down, but the little boy was clinging to him. More upset by his harsh tone than he realized.

Seeing this, Gemma took the phone from Chibs to press it to Jax's ear.

"Tara."

"Hey, you guys made pretty good time."

"Damn right." Jax did his best to keep his tone even, not wanting to upset Nikolai anymore than he had already. Especially with Abel picking up on the toddler's mood and reacting in a similar manner. "I got here just in time to see the idiot prospect chasing Nik around the pool."

"What?" There was a hint of panic in Tara's voice. "Oh my God…" She trailed off, Jax could hear her relaying the story to someone.

Not even seconds later the prospect's cell went off, the idiot kid going completely white as he pulled it out. It was Dozer that called, Jax could hear the other man shouting from where he stood.

"It's a good thing you got there when you did. I'm glad you got there when you did." Tara's voice softened, grew quieter. "The boys missed you. I missed you."

"Yeah," With both boys clinging to him, Tara's voice in his ear, Jax let go of his anger, his panic. It was only now, with the situation over that he realized just how scared he'd been, that for a moment he actually saw Nikolai tumbling into the pool. "Me, too. How much longer are you going to be there?"

"They had to take Cas back into surgery last night, he came out fine but the primary is going to be in soon and I want to be here when he comes."

Jax winced, he knew that what she really meant was that she wanted to be there to drill the poor bastard. "Think you can play nice."

Tara let out a soft laugh. "I think I'm the least of his worries. Did you get something to eat?"

"Not yet."

"You think the two of you could wrap this up." Gemma began with more impatience than she actually felt. "My arm is killing me."

Jax grinned at his mother's tone, glad to see a hint of a spark back in her.

"Well get something." Tara continued. "And go lay down for a bit, I'll be home soon. I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

><p>"When can I go home?"<p>

"When you can speak without wincing."

Laying in the hospital bed, complexion pale and not looking at all like the energetic vibrant man he's always been, Cas' lips tugged in a semblance of a smile. But as if to prove Tara's point, it took more effort than it should have. "Shit that hurt." Because Tara was sitting next to the bed he was able to reach out and place his hand over hers. "Hey, the surgery last night…I didn't really understand…why?"

"They didn't close you up properly after the first surgery, you started bleeding. That's what was causing the pain you had in your stomach. They had to go back in, stop the bleeding and close you back up. Correctly this time." Tara gave his hand a squeeze, doing her best not to relive the fear she felt. "This is why I told you to make sure to say something when you have pain, Castor. You were shot, you can't tough that shit out."

"I thought I was hurting because I was shot." He caught the look she was giving him and realized she was in no mood for his smartass remarks. "But I know better now."

"Good thing is you made it out of surgery okay." Kozik was laying comfortably in the bed next to Cas'. "Bad news is the paper work got mixed up and they fucked up all the nerves leading to your dick. The way I understand it, you'll never get a hard-on again."

"Fuck you." But Cas paled a little, eyes a little panicked as they turned to Tara. "That shit's not possible is it?"

In the chair on the opposite side of the bed, Dozer shook his head sadly. "Those must be some damn fine drugs if you believed some shit that crazy."

Cas chuckled, winced. "I didn't believe it. But seriously, Tara, that shit isn't really possible is it."

"You damn near bled to death and you're biggest concern is rather or not you can ever get a hard-on again?"

"It's important, Tara."

* * *

><p>It was several hours later when Tara returned home. She really had only intended to stay long enough to talk to Cas' doctor. But the longer she stayed the more reluctant she found herself willing to leave Cas' bedside. The fact was, it wasn't until after she spoke with his doctor and checked over his chart that she finally allowed herself to realize just how close she came to losing him. It had been all she could do to keep from dropping her head onto his chest and crying. The only thing that stopped her was the fear she saw in his eyes. He'd never admit to her or Kozik or Dozer, hell he may never admit it to himself, but he'd been scared.<p>

They'd been reckless children, careless and wild. She had mellowed while Cas grew even more reckless and wild. Tara had never lectured him on his behavior, never tried to get him to slow down. But she swore if he didn't get his shit together after this she'd kill him herself.

Tara didn't bother inviting Dozer and Kozik back to the house, she knew where they were going when they left the hospital, knew what it was they had to do. There would be no talking them out of it, so she didn't bother to try. And as she'd likely never forget just how close she came to losing Cas-her brother-she didn't want to.

The house was quiet when she arrived, something she was glad for, but wasn't terribly surprised by. Nikolai and Abel went down every night like clockwork. She wasn't entirely sure just how she got so lucky but it wasn't something she spent much time questioning either. Their personalities were far more fun to think about.

Nikolai so energetic and rambunctious. He may have looked like her but Tara couldn't claim that he was much like her in any other way. He could be a bit neurotic, even at his age he liked to have certain things in there place. But he was wild in a way she could never imagine herself being, fearless, and brave in a way she hoped he never grew out of. Abel was the exact opposite. He was quiet, observant. He was such a calm, mellow baby. Even though he seemed to enjoy watching Nikolai, Abel never seemed in a hurry to get down and join him. He seemed perfectly content just to watch. And Tara knew that wasn't something he got from Jax. Much as it was with her and Nikolai, it seemed the same with Jax and Abel. The baby may be the image of his father but his personality was on the opposite scale.

Tara didn't need to turn on any lights as she made her way through the house. She knew every corner, every stair. She'd loved this house, loved living in this house. Even moreso after Nikolai had been born. When Alexei had brought the house she'd thought it was too much. Maybe it was, but she had felt safe. The safety, however, was an illusion. She loved the house, loved the home she and Alexei made for Nikolai. Even if it was only for a few months. But she couldn't live in it any longer, Kohn had made sure of that.

Shaking off the mood that settled over her, she moved through the first floor and quickly up to the second floor to Nikolai's room. The guys had got Nikolai's old crib from storage for Abel. Had it set up on the wall just opposite of Nikolai's bed. She went to Abel first. Like always he was laid out on his back, arms and legs kicked out, the blanket tangled around his feet. Quietly she pulled the blanket back over him, Abel began to fuss a bit but became soothed by the feel of her hand over his chest. Tara loved that, loved that she could soothe him that way.

Sure that he was once again settled, she crossed the room to sit on the edge of Nikolai's bed. He was on his stomach, face practically buried in the pillow. Unlike Abel, Nikolai barely moved an inch when he slept. She didn't know if that was a result of how active he was during the day or if he was so active during the day because he slept so soundly each night. Reaching out she used the tips of her fingers to brush his hair back off his face. She enjoyed another moment sitting in the room with the boys before pushing off the bed and heading down to the master bedroom. She was beyond ready to collapse into bed with Jax's warm, more than likely naked, body. She was beyond ready to just be near Jax again.

The smile that curled her lips at the thought, however, disappeared when she walked into the bedroom to find it empty. She knew he left at one point, going to the clubhouse to help the rest of the boys in their search for Cas' shooters. But she didn't think he'd still be out this late. And there was no way he'd stay at the clubhouse, away from Abel especially after having been away already. Brows knitted in confusion she stepped out of the room, preparing to go look for him.

Gemma was once again staying in the small apartment on the third floor. She put Chibs in the guest quarters to keep the boys' early morning activity from disturbing him. And Happy, if he chose not to stay at the clubhouse, was out in the guest house with Cas' lab Moe. Which still left three rooms on this level that he could possibly be in. And she knew, even before she checked the first two, that he'd be in the last room she looked in.

The lamp on the bedside table was on, providing a soft glow across his chest. He laying on his side, body curved in a way as if preserving the spot next to him for her. It made her smile, even if she was confused about why he was in the room at all.

Lowering herself beside him on the edge of the bed, Tara leaned down to press her mouth to his. When he didn't wake immediately she pulled back just enough to flick her tongue over his lips earning a sly smile from her sleeping boyfriend.

"Hey," His eyes remained close, voice full of sleep.

"Hey." Tara returned as she ran her hand over his chest, fingers lingering over his tattoo. "What are you doing in here?"

"I was sleeping until you started molesting me."

"Ha-ha. I meant what are you doing sleeping in this particular room, my room is down the hall. Or are you trying to tell me something?"

Jax didn't answer right away. He didn't know how to tell her his aversion to sleeping in a bed she shared with someone else. Being in the Russian's house was bad enough. When he put the boys down, he saw the double frame on Nikolai's beside table. Hadn't been able to stop himself from picking the frame up and studying the two pictures. On one side there was a picture of the Russian stretched out on the couch sleeping with Nikolai, who looked no bigger than a football, laying on his chest sleeping as well. The other picture they were both awake, Nikolai a little bigger, and wearing matching T-shirts with Stanford written across the chest. "I just collapsed in the first bed I could find."

"Well get up and come to bed. With me." She needed him. It had only been days but it felt like forever since she slept in his arms. She may have loved this house at one point but she didn't miss it near as much as the one she had with Jax and their boys. And it may not be the house in Charming but she thought the moment she was in Jax's arms she'd begin to feel at home again.

When she started to get up, Jax grabbed her wrist to pull her back down onto the bed. "We're in here now, might as well stay."

Tara laughed, once again pushing off the bed. Instead of allowing Jax to pull her back down she gave him a tug to pull him up. "I love being close to you, baby, but I don't think we could make it work on a twin bed. Now come on."

Jax knew that if he pushed this any farther she'd start to get suspicious and things would just get weird between them. After being so far away from her the last few days the last thing he wanted was for things to get strained. So it was with more than a little reluctance that he tossed aside the sheet he was sleeping under and climbed out of the bed.

Because she seemed incapable of doing otherwise, Tara allowed her eyes to travel over him. As expected he was completely and gloriously nude. And her body wasted no time reminding her of just how much she missed every inch of him.

"Keep looking at me like that, babe, and we're not making it out of this room."

"That's mighty big talk, Teller." There was a sly smile on Tara's lips as she kicked her boots off, her hands going to the buttons of her top as she began to walk backwards towards the door.

"You should know better than anyone that I'm more than just talk." He made a grab for her but she'd been too close to the door and made it out into the hall before he could reach her. She'd managed to not only work her shirt open but pull it off and throw it back at him. And he could admit that as he ran naked up the hall chasing his half naked old lady, the Russian was the furthest thing from his mind.


	4. Chapter 4

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 4**

"No, not that one. We're keeping that one."

Gemma paused in the middle of folding the small shirt she held, the shirt she was prepared to put in the 'give away' pile, to glance at Tara. "Nik can't fit this any more. Likely hasn't been able to fit it for awhile." More she thought Jax would die and go to hell before allowing Abel to wear a shirt with the Russian's alma mater on it.

"I know." But Tara crossed the room to take the shirt from Gemma's hands, she didn't want Gemma to take it upon herself to toss it. "But it's his first Stanford T-shirt."

Gemma's brow hitched at the way Tara went about lovingly folding the shirt and stacking it on top of the clothes she planned on keeping. "I thought you hated Stanford. I'm almost sure you once said there was no way in hell you'd let Nik ever go there."

"He's not going there." Tara's hand went to the shirt, fingers dancing over the soft fabric. "But this is the first Stanford shirt Alexei ever bought for Nikolai. Bought it as soon as he found out I was pregnant. I can't throw out the first thing his father ever bought for him."

With a nod, Gemma went back to sorting through the clothes. They were set up in the Great Room, clothes piled at both of their feet being sorted into things Tara wanted to give away, things she wanted to give to Abel, and things she wanted to toss. Nikolai and Abel were on a blanket in the middle of the room, Cas' dog lay sleeping next to them. "You know, you never talk about him."

"Never talk about who?"

Gemma shot Tara bland look as she held up a blue T-shirt. "Cookie Monster. The Russian, you never talk about the Russian."

"I do talk about him."

"Just not with me."

"Not with you." Tara agreed. She wanted to leave it at that, but she could feel Gemma's eyes on her and realized she was not going to get out of this conversation. "You didn't like him, Gemma, you made no secret about it."

"I didn't _know_ him. Maybe if you brought him around or told me something, I'd have changed my opinion of him."

"Yeah, because it's so easy getting you to change your opinion on something."

"It's been known to happen." Even if Gemma couldn't quite remember the last time someone was able to do it. "So come on, tell me about him." She waited, but Tara continued to sort through the clothes as if she hadn't heard. "Born in Russia, right. Came over here as a kid. Didn't have an accent, at least I never heard one. But I only met him briefly once or twice."

"He was born here." Tara knew Gemma wouldn't quit. She wasn't sure what Gemma was after. But with Alexei dead she figured there wasn't much damage Gemma could do with any information on him now. "Parents moved back to Russia when he was still a baby. Came here when he was ten. He had an accent but it was faint. You could only hear it on certain words or when he was angry."

"Huh, figured he would have lost it."

Tara shrugged. "He was here for two years before he learned to speak English. His uncle paid tutors, Russian tutors, to home school him when he first arrived. He didn't want Alexei to lose that part of himself."

"That seemed to pay off." Gemma made sure to keep her tone conversational but her eyes were sharp on Tara. She'd had a lot of time to explore the house since they arrived and was surprised with how much of the Russian's things were still around the house. She needed to know just how Tara felt about the father of her child. Had she misjudged? Had Tara's feelings been stronger than what she thought? Or was there something else there? Something she hadn't considered. "Figure he was a smart guy. Got into Stanford."

Tara merely scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Never told me how you met. Lenny set it up?"

The thought of her dad setting her up with anyone made her laugh. Lenny would have been more likely to fit her with a chastity belt than set her up. "My dad had set up this meeting, renegotiate things between SAMCRO and the Russians. Clay, Tig, Bobby, and Otto had all come in. Alexei came with Victor, he was suppose to be learning how things were done."

Gemma remembered that. At least she remembered Clay returning home and telling her that a major shit storm would be brewing between Jax and Tara. It had been information she hadn't been entirely sure what to do with considering Jax and Tara had already had several loud, and very public, fights during that time. She hadn't thought it could get much worse between them. She'd been wrong. "I'm sure you locked on him immediately."

"He was hard to miss." And she had indeed locked on him immediately. She'd still been stewing from her fight with Jax, wanted more than anything to make him hurt the way she'd been hurting. She saw Alexei, as tall and blonde and attractive as Jax, and thought he was the perfect way to do it. "I actually thought he was one of Victor's bodyguards the way he towered over everyone." When she found out he was Victor's nephew, realized that he was being groomed to take over, she couldn't help but think of just how much he was like Jax. It wasn't until she got to know him that she realized how different he actually was. "Like me, he was only a couple weeks away from graduation. As soon as I told him what school I went to he started giving me shit. Told me that graduating with honors from UCSD would amount to graduating with a C average at Stanford."

Gemma nodded, thinking that Alexei was smarter than she gave him credit for. That teasing, the smartass prodding, would have appealed to Tara a lot sooner than empty flattery. It was what she was use to, what she was comfortable with, and it would have immediately put her at ease. Flattery would have made her suspicious or, worse, amused.

"He was so…different. Flashy but he wasn't an asshole about it. I mean he had the expensive clothes, expensive car. But he never talked about how much he spent on all of it, never drew attention to it. He was just one of those men who wore expensive things like skin."

"Is that what made him different?"

"Than Jax?" Tara frowned. There were a lot of things that made Alexei different than Jax but she wouldn't rank the way he wore clothes as one of them. It wasn't even one of the things she compared in them as their style was just so different. She could no more see Jax in a pair of slacks and button down shirt than could see Alexei in baggy jeans and a T-shirt.

"From the others. As long as I've known you, you've only ever been serious about two guys."

Tara gave a sweet smile. "There's only ever been two."

"Please. I'm not Lenny, I no more believe," Or choose to believe, as Gemma was sure was the case with Lenny. "That you've only ever been with Jax and Alexei than the man in the moon. First of all, I know about Hale and that nut job fed. And I'm pretty sure there was someone else closer to home."

Because she was on guard about Alexei, Tara hadn't been prepared for Gemma to throw out that one. All the color drained from her face, afraid Gemma knew more than what she was saying. "Uh…what…why would you think that?"

Gemma's eyes narrowed, she'd been suspicious before but now she was absolutely sure. "Happy and Kozik. I overheard them arguing, Kozik was going on about how you were a big girl and free to make your own decisions. But Happy wasn't hearing it, didn't like what was going on and wanted it over. So who was it?"

Like hell she'd tell Gemma who it was. She certainly wasn't going to tell Gemma when Jax or Chibs was liable to walk up and hear at any moment. No, she wasn't going to tell Gemma. But what she _was_ going to do was fucking kill Kozik. "You want to know about Alexei or clarification on something you could have misheard."

Gemma shook her head, Tara always was a clever little bitch. She knew if she got into it with Tara about whoever this biker was-and she had her suspicions-she'd likely never get to have this conversation about Alexei again "Fine. We'll talk about your Russian." She'd get the info about the biker out of someone else. Like Cas, considering he was all hopped up on pain meds, he'd be more likely to spill. "You were telling me what was so special about him that you stuck with him."

It took a moment for Tara to gather her thoughts. She didn't want what she was about to say to be misconstrued. Didn't want Gemma to think she'd ever question her love of the club or their family. "He was the only one who understood."

"Understood what?"

"Being at UCSD…it was a completely different world than the one I was use to. Sometimes, like when things got really bad with Jax, I could get completely lost in that world. I wasn't Jax's Old Lady or Lenny's little princess. I could be whoever I wanted to be, whatever I wanted to be. Sometimes I needed that. At that time I _really_ needed that. Needed to be removed from the club and…everything. You all supported me but you never knew why I wanted to go to school, why I needed to. People at school didn't know why I came back. And as much as I loved being away at school, I never fit in there. Not really. Alexei knew both of my worlds because he was a part of both. He understood why I had to get away just as he understood why I could never really stay away."

Something lodged in Gemma's throat. She'd never heard Tara talk that way about something or someone other than Jax. She'd supported Tara going to school because she didn't want to push her away by manipulating her into staying. She supported her in med school because she knew that Lenny carried more weight with his daughter than she did. She didn't know the things Tara was struggling with and she thought she should have. She'd known Tara her whole life, sometimes would swear she knew Tara better than the girl knew herself. Gemma wasn't sure how she missed this. "You were confused."

"I was young." Tara corrected. And frightened, something she was ashamed to admit to Gemma. She knew exactly what Jax's future would be. And she was afraid to get lost in his life, afraid to let his dream become hers. She needed something for herself so that she could hold on to herself.

"And the Russian was having doubts he wanted to one day run the family business?"

Tara nodded. "It wasn't the same for him like it was for Jax. Alexei wanted something different when he was a little boy, he had these other dreams. Everything changed for him after his parents died and it was no longer about what he wanted. When he was at Stanford he felt like he was away from his uncle's control. And he could pretend that there was something else out there for him."

"Why did he go back?"

"Because you don't turn your back on family. And at the end of the day, that life was really the only one he knew." Just like me, Tara thought.

"Alexei Volkov." Gemma picked up one of the many framed photos placed throughout the room. Tara and Alexei looked to be sitting in Lenny's dining room, both dressed up, Alexei's arm thrown around the back of Tara's chair. They were smiling at the camera. "You loved him."

"I did. He was Nikolai's father. And a really good friend." Tara looked over at her son, struggling with the familiar pain that came from knowing he'd never know the father who loved him more than anything in the world. And the guilt from knowing that he died for her despite the fact that the entire course of their relationship another man occupied her heart and her thoughts. "But I wasn't in love with him. Not the way I should have been anyway. Not the way-"

"You loved Jax." Gemma finished, relief coursing through her for the first time since she began this conversation. She didn't mind that Tara had feelings for another man, didn't mind that she could admit to them. If Tara denied what she felt for Alexei, Gemma would suspect there was more there. More she was glad that Tara understood that she'd never feel for anyone else the way she felt for Jax.

"Exactly." Tara was old enough now to understand that. And more, was beginning to realize there was no point running away from it. Because there _was_ no running away from it. She hadn't loved Alexei the way she loved Jax. She never loved anyone the way she loved Jax. And she likely never would.

* * *

><p>Jax liked to think he knew the important sounds that Abel and Nikolai made. He knew Abel's hungry cry, his wet cry, and his sleepy cry. Abel made thousands of other indecipherable sounds throughout the day that he couldn't make heads or tails of but he didn't beat himself up too much about it as he figured he had the important ones down. With Nikolai, Jax knew to listen out for the giggles. He knew Nikolai's just did something bad giggle, his wait til you see what I just did giggle, and his I'm not even going to get in trouble giggle.<p>

Walking up the hall he didn't hear a giggle. Actually the best way he could think to describe the sound Nikolai was making was hysterics. The boy was laughing his ass off about something and the best part was that whatever Nikolai was doing it was causing Abel to erupt into deep belly laughs.

When he stepped into the room he smiled when he saw the boys. Nikolai was practically rolling around on his back, holding his stomach laughing while Abel was sitting next to him laughing as well. His mother was on the couch still going through clothes while Tara was on the floor with the boys, a sight that didn't surprise him at all. He was actually curious just how long Tara went about sorting the clothes before abandoning the task altogether.

"What's so funny?"

"Nikolai was entertaining himself by going through one of our old photo albums." Tara began to explain before being cut off by her son.

"Axe, Mommy got a fat belly." Nikolai pulled his hands away from his stomach just long enough to hold up the picture he had clutch in his hands. "Ably," He turned to the baby. "Look at Mommy's fat belly."

And as if he understood what the toddler had just said, Abel peeled off into another round of belly laughs.

Jax's brow hitched up slightly as he crossed the room to lower himself onto the floor as well. "Is it that funny?"

"They seem to think so." And there was a large grin on Tara's face as she looked at the two boys.

"Axe, look."

Dutifully Jax took the picture Nikolai held out to him. In it, it looked like Tara was standing in the clubhouse, Lenny was standing next to her, a proud grin on his face as he pointed to her very large belly. "Yeah, your mommy's got a fat belly alright."

Tara reached out to snatch the picture from his hand, but not before jamming her fist into his shoulder. "I was eight months pregnant. You," She reached out to pull a still laughing Nikolai onto her lap. "You little monkey, are the reason my belly was so fat."

As Jax watched, Abel pulled himself up on Tara's arm a large grin on his face as he tried to get in on the game he thought Tara and Nikolai were playing. And Jax could admit that it settled something in his chest when Tara readily accepted his son into her arms. He'd been avoiding her. He hoped she hadn't notice, that she just chalked his staying upstairs to how tired he was. But the truth was Jax found himself unable to face her in this house.

The night before, when he chased Tara down to her bedroom, his mind had been so full of her that for a moment he was able to forget that he was in the home she shared with Alexei. It wasn't until after they had exhausted each other, when she rolled off of him and out of the bed, that the thoughts began to creep in again. She had made her way seamlessly around the darkened room, movements light as a feather as she walked into the closet to pull on a T-shirt and a pair of panties before crawling back into bed with him.

Jax thoughts turned to the nights she stayed with him. The nights she stumbled around his room, swearing softly and bumping into things, before finding something to put on. He'd always thought it was cute and a sleepy grin would always curl his lips as he listened to her. Now it annoyed him. Didn't know why it was taking her so long to get use to the layout of his bedroom when she still knew this one after being away for so long. And he couldn't help but to wonder just how many times she worked the Russian over the same way she had him. To wonder just how often or how long she lay naked with another man.

He hated this fucking house and everything it represented. So this morning, after a night of tossing and turning, he found himself glaring at all the pictures Tara had around the bedroom. Found himself hating the man standing next to her, grinning like a fucking king, in all of them. Even found himself resenting all the pictures of the Russian with Nikolai. He knew it wasn't fair, that the Russian was the little man's father and he had no right to want to come between them. But he couldn't help it. The more time he spent with Nikolai, the easier it was for him to deny the Russian's existence. And it was especially easy when he saw Nikolai and Abel together, when he thought of his own little brother and remembered the way he loved him. He wanted for Nikolai and Abel, the life he and Thomas never got to share.

He had continued to move around the upper floor, sneering at the sheer size of the house. It wasn't jealousy, not really, that had him questioning just what the hell two people needed with house so large. Nikolai's room alone seemed to be the size of his living room back in Charming. It was the fact that Tara seemed so use to it all, at least if the easy way she dropped a wad of cash on four last minute plane tickets was anything to go by.

There was a time he thought that all of it-the house, the cars-was the Russian. But as he'd gone through the house he recognized bits of Tara all over-Nikolai's room being painted in the navy blue and gold of UCSD, her paintings hanging on the walls, the ridiculous sheets with the flowers that she seemed to love. It made him realize that this wasn't just some house she was staying in, it had been her home. And he was beginning to feel like his house, what he thought was their home, was just some place she was crashing at. There was nothing of her or Nikolai in the house in Charming. No real proof that they lived there. He didn't like that. He needed to change that.

"No, Ably." Nikolai just barely managed though his laughter. "Get, Mommy. Tickle, Mommy." But Abel simply continued to press his hands to Nikolai's belly as he saw Tara doing. "Axe! Help!"

Sitting on the couch, Gemma said nothing as she watched her son happily join in the game Tara played with the boys. It was hard to miss the look in his eyes as he watched them. She wondered if he knew just how much he already loved and needed them. Wondered if either Jax or Tara had caught on to the way Nikolai would talk to Abel as if Tara was both of their mother. And wondered just how long it would take for Nikolai to start addressing Jax as daddy. She didn't want to rush it, but everything she wanted for them-and herself-was just so close. It was all she could do not to rush it along.

* * *

><p>"So, what time are you guys leaving in the morning?" Tara's voice was soft as she practically whispered the words into Jax's naked chest. She was cold, had thought about getting up to find something to put on, but she wasn't quite ready to leave his side just yet.<p>

"Early. Have to if we want to make good time back to Charming." His arm tightened around her shoulders, pulling her closer as if that would stave off the inevitable separation they were about to face. "How many more days are you guys staying?"

"Another week or so. I want to make sure everything is okay with Cas, that he doesn't have any more set backs. Have to get the cars out of the garage and over to Dozer's warehouse. Not to mention finish packing up the house." It was a lot of work to be done. But Tara thought it was long past time for her to close the Tacoma chapter in her life. She'd miss the house and the guys but she thought it wasn't fair to Jax or their boys to hang on to the past.

"That seems like a lot to get done in one week." He wanted her to ask him to stay. He couldn't, he had to get back to Charming, back to the club and the best friend he felt moving steadily away from him. He wanted to stay with Tara and the boys. And he wanted her to want it as well. "You're going to be exhausted by the time you get home."

"I know." Tara gave a sigh as she thought about all the things that needed to be done. "But Gemma's here to help and Dozer will have the Prospects over when he can spare them." She tilted her head up to brush her lips along his chin. "I wish you didn't have to go back. Though, I doubt you'd actually be any help."

Jax brought his hand down roughly on her ass. "Thanks, babe."

"But," She moved until she lay over him, legs falling open until they rested on either side of his hips. "That's not why I want you to stay. I just want you here," Her fingers began to run softly through his hair, causing his eyes to drift close with a sigh of contentment. "With us."

"Me, too." He let his fingers run lightly up and down her bare back, enjoying the way she shivered in response.

"But it's just a week." It was a reminder more to herself than him. She'd miss him, there was no point making it worse. "Going to leave me with something to remember you by or what, Teller."

Jax grinned. "Nope." Moving quickly, he flipped her over onto her back. "I'm going to give you a reason to hurry back."


	5. Chapter 5

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 5**

"So you're heading back?"

"Tomorrow." Tara confirmed. She was sitting next to Cas' bed going through the chart his nurse was kind enough to let her see.

"You talk to the realtor yet?"

"Not yet." Tara glanced up from the chart, there was something in his voice that had her eyes narrowing on him. "Why?"

For a long time Cas said nothing, picking at the blanket thrown over his lap and doing all he could to avoid her eyes. Tara had known him long enough that she was able to read him like a book. He was almost sure that if she wasn't so preoccupied with him getting shot she'd have gotten the truth out of him the moment she set foot in town. "I need a new place to stay."

"Why?" Of course she'd let him stay in the house, that wasn't even a question. But she was concerned about why he _wanted_ to stay in the house. "Is it not safe at your place? Is someone after you? The shooting, there was more to it wasn't it?"

"Jesus, Pretty girl, calm down." Cas tried a smile but Tara only continued to frown at him. She was concerned now and she would not relax until she knew what was going on with him. "The only thing it has to do with me getting shot is why I was on that side of town."

"Okay." Tara began slowly. Cas was stalling. She didn't know why but she knew him well enough to know that.

Movements slow and careful so as not to pull too much at the wound on his side, Cas reached into the bedside table to pull out his wallet. "I'm a dad, Tara."

"What?"

"I found out the day before I was shot. I got two kids, twins. A boy and a girl." He pulled a photo out of his wallet and handed it to Tara.

Tara looked down at the photo. One glance and she didn't have to ask if Cas was sure. The two smiling faces-complete with big blue eyes and deep set dimples-were so much like Cas the two kids couldn't belong to anyone else. "How old are they?"

"Three. Jagger and Lindsey. The boy's Lindsey, the girl's Jagger."

Tara's brow creased at that but the kid's names sparked something in the back of her mind. "Oh God. Their mother is that ridiculous stripper you were running around with, isn't it? Gypsy, wasn't it?"

"Yeah. How'd you guess?"

"She legally changed her name to a Fleetwood Mac song. God of all the women you could have knocked up…."

"That's not fair. You've never liked any of the women we were with."

"Not true. I love Teresa."

"Doozer's wife doesn't count. We all love Teresa."

Tara's brow creased, she really hoped he'd let her have that one. "I liked Jenn."

Cas laughed. "No you didn't."

"I did, I even told Kozik as much."

"It was at her funeral, it doesn't count. It's not like you could have told him how much you hated her." And Cas knew Tara hated the girl that had for a short while been Kozik's Old Lady.

With a roll of her eyes, Tara looked back down at the picture and seeing the smiling faces felt her annoyance melt away. "They're beautiful."

"Yeah." Cas reached for the picture. "I wanna…I wanna be there for them, Pretty girl. But I can't have them at the place I'm in now."

"You mean that utter hell hole you call an apartment."

Cas gave her a bland look, she'd been giving him shit about his apartment for years now. "Yeah. I was thinking I could just stay at your place. I'll pay all the utilities and the taxes. It'll be a good place for my kids and Moe. And you won't have to move all the cars and shit. Hell with me living there, I can maintain them. It's a win win."

"Cas," Tara smiled, placing her hand over his. "You don't have to sell me on this. Housing market what it is, I'm not going to get what the house is worth anyway. This actually works out better for me. Just…don't trash the place."

"Thanks, Pretty girl. If you hang around I can give Gypsy a call, you can meet my kids."

As much as Tara just could not stand Gypsy, she did want to meet Cas' kids. More she was excited about seeing Cas play daddy. "I should have brought a camera for this."

"Shut up."

* * *

><p>"Enjoying your last moments of freedom, brother."<p>

Flicking his cigarette away, Jax looked over at Chibs who was throwing a leg over his bike. "Something like that." Truth was he was anxious to have Tara and the boys back. It was odd for him to think that only months ago, he'd been without them. Now his house seemed entirely too empty, too quiet with them gone. The club kept him busy but not so busy that he didn't miss them. Because he really fucking missed them.

"Treasure these moments, Jackie." Chibs got a sad, far off look on his face. "The time you have with them. Before you know it they'll be too big, and too far away, for you to hold anymore."

Jax knew Chibs was thinking about the daughter he hadn't seen in years. There was some part of him that wanted to ask what it was like, to have a child so far away. Wanted to know if Chibs still saw her face, if he could remember the way she smelled. If the being away from her ever got easier.

Thinking about the club, the shit they were into and the stretch he'd already done, he sometimes found himself wondering how it'd be if he went away again. To be away from his son, not to see the day to day changes in him. After Tara left him, short time was nothing, prospect of it didn't frighten him. Now having Tara back and the family they were making with their boys, the future was no longer some abstract thing. His time didn't belong solely to the club. Being apart from them this last week made him realize he didn't want to be apart from them any longer than that.

Before he could sink any deeper into his morose thoughts, the prepay in his jeans went off. A quick glance at the id screen and the mood that settled over him completely melted away. "Hey."

"Hey,"

"Damn, babe, you sound wiped."

"That's because I am wiped."

Jax couldn't even imagine what it had been like for her on the plane with Nikolai and Abel. "Where are you?"

"Just dropped your mother off. I'm so close to the house I can feel your pillow under my head."

Jax grinned, feeling relaxed in a way he hadn't since he came back to Charming without her and the boys. "I bet I can beat you there." He didn't know if Clay was done with them for the day, didn't really care. But he was almost sure with his mother being home, there was some place else Clay would rather be as well.

"You're on, Teller. And when I win I want a foot rub."

"You mean _if_ you win. I'll see you in a bit." Snapping the cell shut, Jax made quick work of putting on his helmet and starting up his bike. He practically peeled out of the lot and didn't bother to look back when he heard Clay calling out to him.

* * *

><p>The Cutlass was in the drive when he got home and he was beginning to think she tricked him into that bet. And when he stepped into the house, looked down the hall to see she already had Nikolai in the tub, he knew she tricked him into that bet. "Where'd you call me from?"<p>

There was a knowing smile tugging at the corners of Tara's mouth. "Does it matter. I won, you lost."

Slipping his keys into his pocket, Jax pulled off his kutte and his holster dropping both onto the chair in the living room.

"You have to put those up, Jax."

Right, Jax thought. The little man was big enough, and curious enough, to get his hands on them. He knew he needed to get into the habit of locking his guns up as soon as he got home but right now he just really needed to see his son. "I will. Abel?"

"He's either out getting smokes and road beers. Or in the nursery."

Instead of responding, Jax walked to the nursery. Abel was sleeping, spread out on his back, and looking completely at peace. Unable to help himself Jax lifted Abel out of the crib, doing his best not to disturb him too much. The first thing he noted was that he felt heavier, like there was more substance to him now than when he left. And he would have sworn Abel filled more of his arms now than before as well. Curious he held Abel's arm out against his own, thought the baby's arm reached a little closer to his wrist now. He did the same with Abel's leg, almost sure it had gotten longer as well. Next he pressed Abel's palm to his and couldn't help but remember a time when it seemed like Abel's whole arm was no longer than the length of his own hand. "He's gotten bigger." He spoke just loud enough for Tara to hear.

"They have a bad habit of doing that. But don't worry, he's still your baby."

Jax didn't bother telling her that wasn't what was weighing on his mind. There was no point in lying, not to Tara. It was odd to think that there was a time when all he wanted was for Abel to get bigger, stronger. Now he just kind of wanted him to stay a baby just a bit longer. He wondered if this was what it meant to be a parent. He wanted the world for his son but he wanted Abel to remain small enough to hold in the protective circle of his arms.

He knew he should lay Abel back in his crib, let him rest, instead he lowered himself into the rocker. The peace that evaded him all week settled over him comfortably now. Tara and Nikolai began to sing softly to one another. He knew that was the final step in getting the little man settled down for the night. Knew that Nikolai would already be half sleep by the time Tara carried him out of the tub. Abel would sleep for another few hours before waking up ready for a bottle and a diaper change. The hours in between would just be for him and Tara.

His life had been utter chaos for so long. No order, no routine, no structure. He thought it was what he wanted, thought he couldn't live any other way. But he found he liked the structure of his home, liked the order and the routine that Tara and their boys created. Sitting here now he realized that he had a family. The very thing he resented Wendy for trying to push on him was the only thing that made sense at the moment.

He wondered if this was how so many others made it through. Was the way to survive the life to make a sanctuary? To have some place to come to at the end of the day, away from the life and the violence? He thought, for him, maybe it was. Thought he needed this-Abel in his arms, Tara and Nikolai up the hall-to keep him going. Needed to have them here and safe to get him through.

* * *

><p>Stepping into the bedroom, Jax didn't even bother to bite back the sigh of pleasure at the sight of Tara laid out across the bed in nothing but a black tank top and a pair of panties. He missed her, missed coming home to find her in his bed. And the grin on his lips was one of pure delight as he discarded his towel and stretched naked beside her.<p>

He pressed as close to her side as he could. Resting his chin on her shoulder, he ran his hand up the back of her thigh to her ass, rubbing in circles not at all meant to soothe. "Tired?"

Tara sighed at the feel of his hands on her. "Very." She thought she knew what he was going to do, just how he would touch her. Thought she could pinpoint the second his hand would travel to the hem of her tank to pull it up so that he could reveal her tattoo. And couldn't help but smile as the countdown in her head perfectly coincided with the tips of his finger tracing her crow. _His_ crow.

What she hadn't expected was for him to draw her hair over her shoulder. And was surprised when his fingers moved from the crow to the Aries heart.

"You ever think about getting something else."

"You mean another tattoo? No, not really."

"Not even after the Russian got your name tattooed on him."

Now Tara turned her head to look at him, but he didn't seem to mind as he simply brushed her hair over the opposite shoulder. "No. I already had _you_ tattooed on me." She knew the crow represented the club but it had never meant that for her. It had always been about Jax, for Jax. "And you were the only one I wanted tattooed on me. At least until another guy came along and stole my heart."

"So just me and the little man?" He liked that, liked that the only person that mattered more to her than him was her son.

"Actually," Lifting her head she brushed her lips along the bridge of his nose than back down over the corners of his mouth. "There is this other guy that I'm pretty crazy about." The frown on his face made her smile but before he could get too upset about it, she brushed the tips of her fingers over Abel's name on his chest.

Catching her hand in his he brushed his lips over her fingers before placing her hand over his heart and holding it there. "I missed you."

"I missed you, too." It surprised her just how much. She missed Jax before, thought she knew how to do it, how to survive it. But they seemed to have something different now, something that made being away from him that much harder. She didn't understand it. Only knew she didn't want to go through it again. "I love you."

"I love you." He could tell she was drifting off to sleep, knew he needed to let her get her rest. But there was a part of him that wanted to drag this moment out just a bit longer. "I was thinking. We should bring Nik's bedroom stuff, the bed and shit that's at your mom's place, over here for him."

Tara's head came up at that. "Why?"

"Because…that stuff in there isn't his. It's a bed and a table, it could be anybody's room. I want him to feel like that's his room. Like this is his home." The response Jax waited for didn't come in the form of words but with Tara attacking his mouth with hers. And it seemed like whatever fatigue she was feeling melted away as she shifted her body over his and proceeded to show him just how much she liked his idea.

* * *

><p>It made sense that things would go to hell soon enough. Didn't know why he thought he could continue to have his oasis inside their home. But he figured there was no way to see this coming. Thought if anything would disrupt his home it would be his club. Never thought the break in their peace would come in the form of his mother clocking Tara in the face. As he made his way to the hospital he wasn't even sure how to handle this, couldn't even think of the series of events that would lead to his mother hitting Tara. Found he was almost afraid to ask as he made his way through the hospital in search of one of the two women in his life.<p>

He didn't know what to make of the fact that Tara completely minimized what happened and Gemma seemed to make a joke of it. He knew Tara and his mother loved each other but he had to admit that when he got the call about Tara getting clocked in the face he expected to arrive to a scene of total mayhem. It's not that he'd expect Tara to go at his mother but he knew her, she had a hell of a temper. She'd grown up a lot in the last few years, especially since Nik was born, and managed to reign that dangerous temper of hers in. Didn't mean she couldn't still snap.

Jax figured he should be glad she didn't. God knows the last thing he needed-shit anyone needed-was his mother and Tara at odds with one another. All of Charming would likely burn if that were to ever happen. But them being so together on this and clearly going out of their way to keep him in the dark about what ever was going on worried him. Even still, and maybe it was selfish, there was a part of him that was glad they were keeping him out of the loop. He just wasn't sure if he could handle something else. So despite knowing something was up, he allowed them to keep their secret. For now it was just easier that way.

"What were you and Tara doing out anyway?" He was still at the hospital, standing in the corridor outside the chapel with his mother. Nikolai was standing a few feet up the hall and a whole hell of a lot more subdued than he'd ever seen him. "Where's Abel?"

"I had a couple errands to run, Tara had some things to do so she figured she'd come along and have me drop her off at work after. She was going to give you a call to pick her up. Abel was sleeping, Nikolai was up. Since Neeta was there we brought Nik with us to keep him from waking Abel."

Jax nodded, eyes going back to Nikolai who still had not moved. He thought maybe this was the longest he'd ever seen the little boy stand in one place. "He just wake up?"

"No," Gemma lowered her voice, though she wasn't entirely sure why as it wasn't like Nikolai could hear her. "He was there. Saw Tara take that hit…the blood. It upset him."

"Shit," He hated that. Hated that Nikolai had to see his mother hurt…bleeding. He could imagine what that did to him, thought about what it was like for him to see his old man after the accident. "I'll talk to him." Placing his hand under his mother's arm, he gave her a smile before moving by her to make his way to Nikolai. "Hey, Niko."

At the sound of Jax's voice, Nikolai's head came up causing his hair to fall into his eyes. "Hi, Axe."

Looking at dried tearstains on the kid's cheeks, Jax realized he'd never seen the kid cry. And as those sad green eyes locked with his he thought it was like seeing Tara cry. At least it twisted him up the same way. "Come here, little man." Slipping his hands under Nikolai's arms he lifted him easily, holding tight as the boy locked arms around his neck and began to cry harder. "It's okay." He started towards the chapel, giving his mother a wane smile on his way by.

Keeping Nikolai in his arms he settled on the back pew of the chapel, making soothing noises and doing his best to quiet the boy's tears. It took a little while but Nikolai's tears finally stopped and when they did, shifted him until he was perched on his knee. Because Nikolai's cheeks were still wet, Jax used the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears. "Better."

Nikolai nodded, scrubbing his hands over his face. "Gem hit my mommy."

"She didn't mean, too." But Jax wasn't sure if Nikolai understood that and felt useless saying it.

"Gem said bam!" Nikolai's hands came up and slammed together. "My mommy was hurt. She was bleeding. She was bleeding bad."

"I know, buddy. I'm sorry." Running his hand over Nikolai's hair he dropped a kiss to the top of his head. "But nobody's going to hurt your mommy again. I won't let 'em. I promise." Again Jax wasn't sure that Nikolai understood him, but he nodded as if he did. "Wanna go find your mommy? Say goodbye before Gem takes you home."

"Yeah." Nikolai ran his hand over his face again.

"You get home, you gonna take care of Abel for me?"

Now Nikolai smiled, wide and proud. "Okay."

"Thanks, Niko." Pulling Nikolai close again, Jax stood up. "Come on, let's go find your mommy."

Nikolai gave a grin that Jax knew meant he was up to no good before opening his mouth and shouting, "Mommy!"

Jax knew he shouldn't laugh, that Tara wouldn't want him encouraging Nikolai's behavior but he couldn't help it. "One more time, buddy, I don't think she heard you."

"Mommy!"

* * *

><p>The house was quiet when Jax came home and he could admit he was disappointed. After everything that happened, everything that still yet had to happen, he thought it would have been nice to come home to Nikolai making Abel laugh. Now he could only hope to spend an hour with-preferably inside-Tara.<p>

Moving towards the back of the house, stopping first to look in on a sleeping Nikolai before moving into Abel's nursery. Tara was there, standing over his son's crib, but Jax could tell by the set of her shoulders she was anything but peaceful.

"It wasn't like this, was it? The violence right on our doorstep. I just don't remember it being like this when we were kids. The guns, the porn, the violence…"

He hated when she got like this, when she turned in on herself and closed off on him so that he couldn't read her. Felt like he couldn't reach her. "Tara-"

"They took Otto's eye, Jax. Dozer called, wanted me to go to Victor for protection for my dad." And she'd done it, without question. Because she'd been raised not to ask questions. But the club was no longer her first priority, not anymore. So she'd done what Dozer asked because she had to protect her father but she had to question just how dangerous things were for Nikolai and Abel. "I've been sitting here, thinking about Nicky and Abel, about us. It didn't touch us, when we were their age, when we were Kenny and Ellie's age, what the club was didn't touch us."

"It won't touch us now." He needed to believe that was true, needed for her to believe it as well. "The boys won't know…"

"How does that even work Jax? How do they, _this_," She gestured to herself before sweeping her arm around to encompass the room. "Fit. How do we make this a safe place for them." It scared her, twisted her up to think that the only way for Nik and Abel to be safe was for them to be away from Charming, away from the club. She didn't want to leave Jax, didn't want to take Nikolai away from him. And she couldn't stand the thought of being without Abel. Because as much as she'd want to take him to a safe place, she didn't have the right to. "How do we find a way to keep them safe with all of this? How do I justify keeping my son here with all that's going on?"

He wanted to drop to his knees, wrap his arms around her waist, and beg her not to leave. He wanted to drag her to the floor, bury himself inside of her, and dare her to find someone who could make her feel the way he did. Instead he forced himself to remain still. "Wait here."

It took all she had not to grab his wrist and pull him back to her. He had to give her something. She didn't want to leave him, she couldn't leave Abel. He had to make it right for her to stay. All she needed was a reason, just one reason.

When he came back he gave her that and more. He gave her a promise. He gave her the hope of their boys having a childhood like the one she remembered. He gave her the peace of mind over what Abel would one day inherit. He gave her things she didn't ask for. And only wanted for her to stay in return.


	6. Chapter 6

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: So I mixed things up a bit in this chapter, things will happen a bit differently than what was seen at different locations. The chapter takes place in the timeframe of Smite through to shortly after Gilead. Again thanks to Eve for the pitch for this chapter.**

**Chapter 6**

"Before you go I need to talk to you about something." Tara closed the leather binding on the manuscript Jax handed her, fingers absently playing over the Reaper etched into the cover. "It's about Victor."

"Putlova." Jax placed his hand over hers, running his thumb over her knuckles. "This about Dozer asking you to call him to get protection for Lenny?" And he figured he needed to have a word or two with Dozer about that. He understood where they were coming from-Lenny was first 9 and Tacoma's former president. The guys there still looked up to and had a lot of love for Lenny, they'd do what they had to make sure he was protected while on the inside. Jax could understand and respect that. But he didn't like them using Tara to do it. "Listen, Tara, the guys on the inside-"

"Putlova agreed to help. His people on the inside are going to look out for my dad."

"That's good." Jax realized that was one less thing he had to worry about. He could hold the club out on retaliation against one member but he wouldn't be able to stop it against another, especially a founding member. But he had a feeling Victor's help came with conditions. And if the way her thumb tapped against the back of his hand was any indication, he knew he wouldn't like the conditions. This is why he wished Dozer had left her out of it. The Russian was dead, far as he was concerned she didn't need to be involved with another one.

"He wants to see Nikolai."

Jax frowned. There's was no way in fuck he'd let that happen. And the words were on the tip of his tongue when he realized, it wasn't his place. He wasn't sure what Tara wanted him to say or why she was telling him this. But he didn't think she wanted him to tell her what to do about her son. So he said the safest thing he could think to say. "Okay."

"_Okay._ I just told you that Victor Putlova wanted to spend time with Nikolai and all you have to say is okay."

Oh he had a shit ton to say but enough sense to know he needed to be careful how he said it. "Are you asking for my permission?"

Tara gave him a dry look. "I'm asking for your opinion."

That, Jax thought, actually made more sense. But still, he wasn't sure why his opinion mattered. "Wait, did he threatened you? Protection for Lenny in exchange for seeing Nikolai."

"No," It was the heat in his eyes, the protective streak that ran deep in Jax and was now directed towards her son, that had the smile tugging the corners of her lips. She brought her hand up to his face, thumbing soothing the frown that marred his brow. "That's not how Victor operates. He agreed to help my dad, then we started talking about Nik. The conversation progressed very naturally." Victor, Tara had always thought, was much too savvy a criminal to go with threats. "Victor loved Alexei like a son. Nikolai is all the family he has left."

"Doesn't mean he should be able to take the kid for the weekend."

"I wouldn't give him my son for the weekend." She wouldn't allow Victor to take her son for even an hour. But she couldn't get around the fact that Victor was Nikolai's family. Any more than she could get around the fact that Nikolai, for a all intents and purposes, was the lone grandson of two criminals both of whom wanted him in the family business. The only difference was, when she told her father she wanted something different than the club for Nikolai she was sure he heard her. Tara didn't think Victor gave a damn about what she wanted as he certainly didn't seemed to give a damn about what Alexei wanted.

"If Victor's family, why does it matter what I think?"

"Because," Tara wanted to tell him it was because _he_ was Nikolai's family now as well. Just as much, if not more so, than Victor. But she wasn't sure how that would sit with him. Jax loved his son, Tara didn't think she'd ever seen him love anyone the way he loved Abel but she knew being a father scared the shit out of him. She didn't know if he could handle being the father of two, even if he was very much acting like one. "I trust that you want what's best for him just like I do." And she thought it was the closest to what she really wanted to say to him without scaring him off. More she thought it was the closet she could come without the guilt eating away at her.

The last few months with Jax and the boys, it meant so much to her. The problem was the past and the present became twisted inside of her. She and Jax had really only been back together a few months but they had years together. So many years that what they had now didn't seem as new and fragile as it truly was.

When she saw Jax with Nikolai, she forgot they weren't father and son. When she held Abel in her arms she forgot she hadn't been the one to carry him. She wanted Abel to be hers but she didn't want to pressure Jax. And she wanted to ask Jax to be a father to her child but her fear of pressuring Jax as well as her guilt regarding Alexei kept her from doing so. But she could bring him closer, bring him in so she could get as close to what she wanted without ruining everything. "I trust you with him."

Jax wasn't sure if that was something he would have understood before Abel was born, but he understood it now. She trusted him with her son just as he trusted her with his. Framing her face in his hands, Jax pressed his lips to hers. "Thank you." Resting his brow against hers, he felt a calmness settle over him. "I have to get back to the clubhouse. When I get home we can talk more about Putlova. But if he sees Nik it'll be on our terms, not his. And he sure as shit won't see him unless one of us is there. The rest we can figure out later."

"Okay," Tara smiled as she pulled back. "I have to get back to the hospital. I'm just waiting on Neeta to come back."

"Alright. Why don't you come by the clubhouse after you get off."

"It's going to be a tough vote, huh?"

Jax nodded.

"If you need me, I'll be there."

Bringing her hand up to his lips, Jax pressed a kiss to her palm. "I think I'm gonna need you there."

* * *

><p>"Hey," Tara smiled at Gemma as she stepped into the TM office. The guys were still in church so she decided to wait them out with Gemma.<p>

"Hey, baby." Pulling her classes off, Gemma tossed them on the desk as she set back in her chair. "Where are the boys?"

"Home. I came from the hospital, Jax wanted me to stop by before heading home." When her cell buzzed in her back pocket, she pulled it out to see she had a text from Kozik: _I get the feeling ur mad me._

"You guys got plans. Maybe a hot night on the town that results in me getting a new grandbaby."

"Jesus, Gemma, two aren't enough for you." Tara tossed out absently as she replied to Kozik's text: _Trust that feeling._

"Nope." She was glad that she'd worn Tara down enough that she understood that Nikolai was just as much her grandson as Abel was. "I want at least two more. Another boy and a girl." She remembered how Tara was as a teenager, remembered how _she_ was as a teenager. "Or maybe just two more baby boys."

"The two boys you have are still just babies." Tara snapped her phone closed and shoved it in her pocket. If Kozik wanted to hash out what was wrong he'd have to call her. And she didn't care if he sent her a thousand texts, she wouldn't answer him back. "So, I didn't get a chance to talk to you at the hospital. The way you took off, it was kind of like you were avoiding me."

"You were working. I didn't want to disturb you."

"Didn't want to stop Jax from carrying Nicky around the hospital screaming my name either." Tara still wasn't sure rather to find that incident cute or embarrassing. "Really batting a thousand today, _mom._"

Gemma just barely managed to keep from wincing. Seeing Tara's face twisted the guilt in her stomach and had her really wishing she'd caught that busty bitch on the street. Leaning over the desk, she cupped Tara's face in her hand careful not to touch her nose. "I'm real sorry about this, baby."

"I know." Tara smiled as she placed her hand over Gemma's and lowered it to the desk. "The girl you were chasing, she have anything to do with what happened to you." Gemma didn't answer, but Tara didn't need her to. The answer had not only been in her actions but clear in her eyes. "You can't go on like this Gemma, you need to talk to someone. I," Tara paused, wanted to clamp her mouth shut to keep from speaking the words. And maybe she would have if she wasn't looking at Gemma and seeing the pain she was in. "I know what it's like to keep something like this inside."

Gemma's brow drew together as her eyes narrowed on Tara's. Her initial reaction, to snap out that Tara didn't know what it was like died on her tongue the second Tara's eyes darted away from her own. "Tara? The Fed?" Dread sank like lead in her gut. And something else, something very different than what she felt when recalling what was done to her. "The reason you got the restraining order…"

Tara shot to her feet, going to the window over looking the lot, doing her level best not to look at Gemma. "I told you it got violent."

"Told Lenny it got weird. Turned out to be a lie. Told us it got violent." And Gemma knew without a doubt that had been a lie as well. Things had gotten a lot worse than violent. "He raped you." The feeling that was spinning inside her settled and weighed heavy on her shoulders. It was not unlike how she felt watching Thomas slip away from her. She felt useless, she felt as if she failed her child.

It was all Tara could do to battle back the knee-jerk rush of shame that wanted to wash over her. What happened wasn't her fault, she'd done nothing wrong, but no matter how much time had passed no matter the things she'd done to move passed it, she still struggled with the shame that came with the memory. "No." The word came out quick and clipped. She still didn't turn to look at Gemma. "It didn't come to that." Sometimes she told herself that so often she could believe it were true. Sometimes that scared her more.

How, Gemma thought as she stared at Tara's rigid shoulders, how was she able to keep her hands so steady during all the examinations? How had she been able to detach and talk to Gemma like a doctor and not relive every moment of what happened to her? How, she wanted to ask, had she been able to get through it, live with what was done to her? But Gemma didn't ask the questions that burned at the tip of her tongue. Instead she asked one she thought was safe. "Jax know?"

Tara never allowed herself to think about Jax knowing. Since she was sixteen years old he'd been able to look right through her. Despite everything it had been a large part of why she'd gone to Tacoma instead of returning to Charming. She'd been afraid Jax would take one look at her and know. At the time she couldn't stand for him to know. But when Kohn showed up, after they killed him…Jax had found her nearly naked covered in blood after having shot Kohn who himself had been half dressed. When they rolled Kohn's body into the tarp she'd caught the way Jax's gaze flicked from the body towards the top she wore with it's missing buttons. That night at the clubhouse he'd been so gentle with her and she thought he knew. But he never said anything and she comforted herself by thinking he only knew what it was she saved herself from that night. "He knows."

And it wasn't a lie because Jax knew the truth of what she told Gemma. As far as Tara was concerned it was all he would ever know. She couldn't tell him now, not so many years later. And she couldn't tell him without telling him when it happened, she couldn't let him know that Kohn had been laying in wait for her after he dropped her off. She couldn't do that to him.

"What'd he do?"

"There was nothing he could do." Other than shoot him in the head and take his body out to the middle of nowhere and burn it. "Kohn was long gone by the time he found out." Tara turned to Gemma now. Had to look Gemma in the eye as she told this lie to keep her from getting suspicious.

Pushing away from the desk, Gemma crossed the small room to take Tara's face in her hands. The girl was getting better at lying and Gemma didn't know if she should hate that fact or be proud of it.

"Here." Tara pulled a card from her back pocket, held it out to Gemma until she took it.

"A shrink?" The disgust and mistrust was clear in Gemma's tone.

"She's a friend. And you need to talk to someone before you get yourself or someone else killed." Tara placed a hand on Gemma's shoulder, forcing the older woman to meet her eyes. "You go see her or the next time you do something like this I'll have them lock your crazy ass up."

"Yes, ma'am." Once again cupping Tara's cheek, Gemma leaned in to brush a kiss over the girl's cheek. "I'm proud of you."

It was odd, she was a grown woman, had finished med school at the top of her class, and a mother now herself but she was still touched when Gemma told her she was proud of her. "Thanks. But flattery won't get you out of this. Make the appointment." And before Gemma could say anything else, Tara watched the guys pour out of the clubhouse. With a quick squeeze to Gemma's wrist, she ducked out of the office quickly not wanting to give Gemma time to come up with an excuse not to see the doctor.

* * *

><p>Tara wasn't sure there were words to describe the utter chaos things descended into. Chibs had been blown up, Jax had been arrested, and Opie had completely lost his mind and left his children in the care of a porn star. Maybe in the scheme of things the porn star wasn't that big a deal but Tara was almost sure Donna was turning in her grave. The little bitch trying to cop an attitude with her didn't help things over much either. And maybe any other time Tara would have been able to put the tramp on the back burner but obviously it was just not a good time for her.<p>

"You need to calm down." Gemma's voice was level as she glanced over her shoulder at the children sitting in front of the TV in the living room.

Not even bothering to heed Gemma's advice, Tara slammed a cabinet door so hard it bounced back open. "He's thinking with his dick, Gemma. It's bad enough that Donna's body isn't even cold before he has some woman playing mommy to her kids. But a _porn_ slut. Donna would never-"

"Aunt Tara?"

Tara turned to see Ellie standing shyly in the doorway. Her face, as sad and open as her father's, was turned down in a frown. "Are you mad at us?"

"Oh, sweetie, no." Tara crossed the room quickly to wrap her arms around Ellie's shoulders.

"Are you mad at our daddy?"

Tara didn't have to glance back at Gemma to know there was an 'I told you so' smirk on the other woman's lips. "No, I'm not mad at your daddy. I'm just upset because your Uncle Jax isn't here."

It was an excuse Ellie readily bought and after she sent the little girl back into the living room, Tara mad an effort to keep her ranting quiet. The hour grew late, so late Tara didn't bother having Ellie and Kenny wait up for Opie. Gemma had left and Tara found it wasn't an easy task putting four kids down for bed. Knowing Kenny and Ellie had school in the morning, she called Piney. He had a few choice words about his son but he agreed to come pick the kids up in the morning and get them to school.

She was the only one still awake when Opie arrived. He didn't bother to knock, simply walked in, his head hung low as if he already knew what she was going to say. She meant to be calm, especially after finding out Mary split on him. Meant to be reasonable, she and Opie could always talk reasonably. But there was too much tension surrounding both of their lives, emotions were running high, and so the conversation quickly grew out of hand.

"These are _your_ children, Opie. They are your responsibility."

"I handled my responsibilities. I had a way for them to get home."

"You sent a _stranger_, no, a whore, to pick up your kids. You call that handling your responsibilities."

Opie shook his head, something like disappointment flickering in his eyes. "You don't even know her."

"_You_ don't even know her." Tara tossed back. There was a voice in her head telling her to shut up, to butt out, and leave things alone before she ruined a life long friendship. But she couldn't, the words were tumbling out of her before she could stop them. "You know nothing about her, yet you were going to send your children off with her."

"I'm alone here, Tara. I'm doing the best I can."

"You're not alone, Opie. We're all here for you."

"You and Jax have two kids of your own. Everyone has shit, they don't have time for me and my kids."

"I-"

"No, you don't." Opie cut her off before she could truly began. "You were gone, Tara. Off in Tacoma, you weren't even thinking about my kids."

Tara had no argument for that because there wasn't an argument for that. He was right. She promised Donna she'd help look after Kenny and Ellie. Swore she'd make sure those kids never forgot their mother. But she hadn't even begun to put in time with them. She broke-shattered-the promise she made. And in doing so left her best friend's kids alone. Left Opie alone. Donna would hate that as much as she hated the porn slut Opie decided to take up with. "I'm sorry, Ope."

Opie had opened his mouth to argue only to realize that Tara hadn't contradicted him.

"I've no excuse. I've been a shitty friend and I'm sorry."

"You have your own kids, Tara. Now this shit with Jax…"

The smile on Tara's face was sad, she knew exactly what Opie was doing. "That's no excuse. I _am_ here for you and the kids. I fucked up, give me a chance to make it up to you."

"Don't take on my shit, Tara." Opie's words were soft but clipped. "Trust me you don't want it. My dad will be here in the morning with their school clothes."

Before Tara could say anything else, he was out the door. Dropping back onto the couch, she dropped her head into her hands. Opie hadn't even gone into the back to see his kids.

* * *

><p>Abel was missing his daddy. He and Jax had a routine in the middle of the night that Tara had never tried to intrude on. The problem was when he cried and Tara went into the nursery she had no idea what it was Jax did to settle his son back down in the night. In the end Tara had cheated and carried the baby back into the bedroom with her. Nikolai was missing Jax as well. Tara had tried to explain where he was but she didn't think her son understood. And when all she could tell him was that Jax would be home soon, he'd gone to the kitchen pulled the chair up to the window and stood there watching out for Jax's bike. It made her smile even as it broke her heart.<p>

Sometimes it was hard for her to reconcile. There were still large parts of the boy she fell in love with inside the man he became. But there was no denying that there were large pockets of danger in her big hearted guy. He was unapologetically wild and reactive in a way that often scared her. But he was something altogether different with Abel and Nikolai. It may have been clichéd but she loved him most when he was holding one of the boys.

There was just something gentle in his eyes, even more gentle than when he looked at her, when he looked at the boys. Yet this man, who could smile so sweetly at his son, could take so much pleasure in making the baby smile, was a man who spent his day doing things that resulted in him coming home covered in blood. Or not coming home at all as was currently the case

She missed him. Missed his smile and his eyes. Missed having him there to hold onto every night, missed the sound of his heart beneath her ear as she drifted off. The second night he was gone she brought Nikolai in to sleep with her and Abel, the bed just seemed too big without Jax in it. She poured over John Teller's manuscript, reminding herself with every word that his current incarceration was no more than a bump in the road. That eventually he'd make JT's vision into a reality and she wouldn't have to go through another separation like this again.

* * *

><p>She'd have thought Jax and Clay being locked up would have distracted Gemma. But ever since Rosen came to talk to them about posting bail and Tara revealed she could get her hands on five of the ten percent they needed to get all the guys released, Gemma had been like a dog with a bone. After Rosen had left, Gemma had proceeded to grill her, practically demanding to know just how much money Alexei left her. Tara had prayed for patience, telling herself that Gemma was obsessing over her money to keep her mind off of Jax and Clay. But it had just been another in a list of things she didn't want to deal with.<p>

It didn't get easier when the guys finally got home. Jax had come back to her withdrawn and bruised. Clay, also bruised, and different in a way she couldn't explain. And Juice, having been stabbed several times, hadn't come back with the rest of them. She called the hospital in Stockton where Juice had been admitted to check on him. She gave Clay a wide berth because she honestly hardly recognized him anymore. Worse of all she didn't know what to do for Jax.

Tara wanted to believe Gemma when she said things would ease up but at the moment she didn't see how or when.


	7. Chapter 7

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: This takes place between Gilead and Potlatch.**

**Chapter 7**

"Talk to me, Jackson." Lenny wasn't even sitting on the bench across from him before he started speaking. "I haven't seem my kid in weeks, when I talk to her on the phone she sounds like she did back when she was hiding what that fucking fed was doing to her. You were suppose to make sure she never sounded like that again."

"I know." Jax heaved a tired sigh. If he hated seeing Lenny the last time he was here, he hated it even more now. With his recent release and the prospect of a long stretch hanging over his head, his stomach churned violently with each passing second. But he had to take care of his family. He knew Lenny wouldn't like anything he was about to say. But he'd listen and he'd agree because he'd do anything to protect Tara. "She had an accident. My mom's in a bad place, she busted Tara's nose. It was an accident-" He added quickly before Lenny could go off. "But Tara didn't want you to know about it. So she stayed away until her nose healed."

"Jesus Christ. She could have told me that." Lenny noticed the way Jax's fingers drummed nervously on the table, knew there was more. "She okay, now?"

Jax figured the answer to that depended on Lenny's definition of okay. "She wants to come see you. She's starting to feel like shit for staying away."

"I hear a but coming, Jackson."

"These fucking Aryan pricks, they know she's my Old Lady. That makes her a target. They find out she's your kid, that makes her an attractive target." Jax could see the fury come over Lenny's face followed quickly by the impotence that came with the realization that he could do nothing about the fury he felt. "I'm just trying to keep her safe, brother. And to do that I need to keep her away from here, just until this shit blows over."

Lenny ran his hand over his mouth, doing everything he could not to reach across the table and wrap his hands around Jax's throat. "You really want to protect her, send her away. Send her back to Tacoma, there's no trouble up there. The boys'll keep her safe."

Jax knew what Lenny said made sense. That it might be better for Tara and Nikolai to be in Tacoma, away from Charming, away from him. The logical part of his brain told him that's what he should do. "We'll keep her safe here."

"You can't, there's too much going on." Lenny angled his head so that he was looking Jax in the eye. "Send her back to Tacoma."

Now it was Jax who brought his hand up to his mouth, gripping his beard tightly to keep the tears out of his eyes. "I can't. I'm sorry, Lenny, but I can't." He needed her. Needed her where he could see her, touch her, hold her. "I'll keep her safe here, I promise."

* * *

><p>"So, you're talking to me now?"<p>

"There's other shit going on that kind of trumps being angry at you."

"Can I ask _why_ you were so pissed at me?"

Tara was quiet for a long moment. This seemed especially frivolous considering but he asked. And despite what she just told him, she was still pissed. "I had a conversation with Gemma about Alexei. Right in the middle of it she drops this bomb about knowing I fooled around with someone pretty close to the club." She heard his sharp inhale. "She doesn't know who, probably suspects. But Jesus Christ, Kozik, that she knows at all…."

"I didn't tell her."

"You told Happy, which is like…a thousand times worse. Why in the name of God would you tell Happy?"

"I didn't tell Happy. He…saw."

"He _what_?" Tara's voice was sharp. "What…How?"

"He…walked in, I guess you didn't notice. I didn't tell you," Kozik began anticipating what she was going to ask next. "Because I didn't want to upset you. I handled it. You should be thanking me. Next time you decide to jump a guy lock the fucking door."

Tara rolled her eyes, there was no way she was addressing the last part. "You didn't _handle it_. Gemma knows, so how was it handled?"

"You just said Gemma doesn't know who. It's handled."

"Like Gemma will just let this go." But given the situation he'd done the best he could. He certainly kept Happy from confronting her about what happened or telling anyone else. "Fuck." It was years ago but she wondered if she should talk to Happy, explain what happened. "I really want to be mad at you a little while longer."

"Well you can't. Actually, I think you owe me an apology."

"Apology for what?"

"You accused me of something I didn't even do."

That was true, but she needed to be angry. It was always easy to be angry at Kozik, more accurately Kozik always let her be angry at him when she needed to be. "Thanks."

"For what?"

Even though she couldn't see him, Tara was almost positive Kozik was grinning on the other end of the line. "For handling Happy for me. I'm sure that wasn't easy."

"Yeah, well." Kozik brushed it off. "So what do you want? I know you just didn't call to make sure I knew you were mad at me."

"No. I need you to talk to my dad. Or Happy." She wouldn't have him talk to Jax. The two men may be brothers but she doubted Jax would take Kozik's advice on anything. "I haven't seen my dad since Gemma busted my nose. I'm pretty much healed and I want to see him now but Jax, my dad, Happy, they're saying I need to stay away from Stockton for awhile."

"Why?"

"Because of this business with the league." Just saying the name made Tara's skin crawl. She didn't know how they could call themselves men. Raping Gemma, attacking Otto and Juice while they'd been defenseless, the bomb that nearly killed Chibs, that didn't make them men. Yes it made them dangerous and yes there was a part of her that was afraid. But she refused to call them men. They were cowards, every one of them. "They're worried that if Zobelle and his guys find out I'm Lenny's daughter as well as Jax's Old Lady, it'll make me a target."

"They're right, Tara. Jesus Christ, did you really think I'd go against them on this."

"Kozik, I'm not-"

"Save whatever you're about say, Princess. Jax and Lenny are right, until this blows over you keep your ass away from Stockton."

* * *

><p>The day she brought Nikolai home had been one of the most nerve-wracking of her life. If anyone asked she'd swear she was more nervous on Nikolai's first day home than she'd been during her first surgery. She'd been a neurotic mess whenever she took him out of the house, his diaper bag packed as if she was taking him out for weeks instead of a few hours. Kozik and Cas always gave her shit about how long it took her to get ready to go. Happy always yelled at her to move her ass.<p>

It was for this reason that she took a ridiculous amount of pleasure in how good she was getting at preparing both boys for a day out. If anything her biggest set back was wrangling Nikolai. Abel, her little angel, always sat patiently in his crib smiling and laughing as she placed his things in the diaper bag. Things that Nikolai got a kick out of removing as soon as her back was turned.

It was their game, hers and her boys. So she didn't have the heart to make Nikolai stop. Not when he and Abel shared what she could only describe as a conspiratorial giggle whenever he thought he got one over on her.

"Gemma." Diaper bag on one shoulder, Tara shifted Abel in her arms and took Nikolai's hand as she stepped into the Morrow household. She was surprised to find the house empty. Normally when Gemma hosted family meals she got up in the morning shouting orders to women who hadn't been given a choice to come over to help.

"Gem! Gem, I here!"

It was Clay, not Gemma, who alerted them to the fact that house was not empty. And Tara didn't need to see his face to know it was a fact he was unhappy about. "Say it a bit louder, kid, I don't think the neighbors heard you."

Nikolai, obviously not caring about Clay's scolding tone, rushed the older man to fling his arms around his legs. "Clay!"

"How's it going, Kid? You got a Dyna yet?"

Nikolai shook his head, small arms squeezing around Clay's legs briefly. "Soon."

Clay caught the way Tara rolled her eyes. "You won't be able to keep him off a bike, Princess. It's in his blood."

"Yeah, I know." When Clay ran one large hand over the top of Nikolai's head, Tara noticed the way they were shaking. "You okay?"

Clay didn't have to ask what she meant, her tone was almost the same as Gemma's when she asked about his hands. "Yeah. Gemma left before she could help me with the damn shot, it's bitch trying to do it myself."

Tara didn't bother to ask how he normally did it when Gemma wasn't there. She knew there was a time Jax would have come to help Clay before they road to the clubhouse together. "I can do it." When he gave her a look that said he wasn't too sure about her offer, she gave an indignant scoff. "For Christ's sake, Clay, I'm a surgeon. I'm more than capable of sticking a needle in your hands."

"Could you make it sound any less appealing." But he gestured her back to the bedroom as he turned and headed that way.

"Nikolai Janowitz, don't you go anywhere near that bird's cage." Tara didn't even have to turn and look to see that's where Nikolai was headed. She didn't want to think about the damage he could cause near that cage. Any more than she wanted to think about what Gemma would do to her if anything happened to that bird.

"You know you almost sounded like a mom just then." Clay tossed over his shoulder with a grin.

"Yeah, I'm starting to get the hang of it." Before stepping into the bathroom, she set Abel down just outside the door where she could keep an eye on him.

Clay thought this was as close as he'd ever seen her in her element. Juice wouldn't shut up about how she came in and handled the Cameron situation but he hadn't experienced it first hand. He could still remember her when she was a kid. The way she was always slapping, pulling, and tugging on Kozik. How she and Jax always seemed to find some way to be touching. It was odd seeing those hands, that always seemed to be causing some sort of trouble, look so competent now.

"Where's your sharps box?"

Clay frowned. "The what?"

"The little red box you use to toss the used needles out."

"We don't have one of those, we just tossed the used needles in the trash."

"Jesus Christ." Tara muttered as she lifted Clay's hand. "I'll bring you one. Stop throwing used needles in the trash."

"Wow, you really are getting the hang of this mother thing. Tell me when," He didn't care if it made him sound weak, Clay really fucking hated to watch the needle go into his hand.

"When? I'm done."

"Damn. You are good."

Tara grinned. "It's why they pay me the big bucks."

"You know, Gemma usually rubs my hands after." It was a little thing, nothing big but just something he'd grown use to and was starting to miss as the distance between them continued to grow. "You're good. But nobody does it like Gemma, you know." He ran a hand down Tara's arm before walking out of the bathroom, stopping just long enough to lift Abel into his arms. "What the hell is this kid doing?"

Tara stepped out of the bathroom to see her son squatting next to Gemma's bird cage. His hands were pressed tight to his stomach and his head tilted back so he could look up at the bird. "What he was told." Crossing the short distance, she scooped Nikolai up in her arms. Swinging him up so that she could presses playful kisses all over his face. "Coffee?"

"Would you, kid? I don't think Gemma made any before she left."

With a roll of her eyes Tara walked out to the kitchen, she really hadn't been offering. And she was almost sure Clay was aware of that. She moved around the kitchen easily enough, knowing this one as well as she knew her own. If anything her movements were hampered by the little boy clinging to her back and the baby trying to pull himself up by her pants.

"So Gemma told me they switched your meds." It took some work but she had both boys in her arms when she sat at the kitchen table next to Clay. And because she sat, Nikolai immediately climbed off her lap to go entertain himself elsewhere. "Notice any difference."

Clay flexed his hands. "Not really, just started."

"Ramming your fists into my boyfriend's face probably didn't help matters none."

"Hey," Clay's eyes were hard, his tone harsher than he's ever used with her as he pointed one thick finger in her face. "That's club business. Stay out of it."

"I didn't ask, Clay." But because his tone was harsh, she stood from to fix herself a cup of coffee before coming back to the table without so much as offering to do the same for him. "It's no secret that things between you and Jax were bad way before whatever happened between you on the inside. Things have been tense since Donna died. Ope's a mess, Piney's teetering on the edge. You and Jax and Tig…"

"What has he told you?"

Tara made a restless movement with her shoulders, brushed her lips over the top of Abel's head to quiet the dangerous whispers in the back of her mind. She'd known all these men long enough to know when something wasn't right, something bigger than any of them would ever admit to. Clay stayed away from the house, Tig couldn't meet her eyes, Jax and Opie continued to grow apart. And every night he came home the weight on her man's shoulders seemed heavier and heavier. "Just that Opie got retaliation for what happened to Donna. He doesn't have to tell me that this business with the league is getting to everyone, we're all feeling that."

"Well don't you worry about it." Because she didn't offer to fix him a cup, Clay simply took her mug and drank from it "And I thinks it's best, if just for awhile, you stop going to visit your old man."

"Yeah, I already heard it from Jax and my dad." Tara placed her hand over the one he had resting on the table. "It'll blow over, Clay. It always does."

"I know." Clay looked down at their hands. Hers thin fingered and delicate, his thick and rough. He remembered a time when her whole hand could fit in the palm of his. "You know, I was just thinking the other day about when you moved in here. Jax had been making noises about going and staying at the clubhouse. Sixteen years old without a pot to piss in and a window to throw it out of but he thought he was a man ready to live on his own. Probably would have done it if you hadn't taken the room right across from his. One look at the gleam in Jax's eye as he stood in the doorway watching you unpack and I knew it was a mistake. The two of you thought you were so fucking clever sneaking in and out of each other's rooms."

"We were clever." Tara shot him a teasing grin when she got up from the table to pour herself another cup of coffee. "We got away with it for a long time before you and Gemma caught on."

"We knew the first night." Clay informed her. "But then the two of you didn't even bother to pretend to sneak anymore and we figured it was time to step in. It's a miracle you weren't pregnant by the end of that summer."

"Thanks, Clay."

"Jax was practically grown when Gemma and I got married but I still loved being his father. I swear it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Then you came along, hogging the bathroom, picking at the guys when they came over. We felt like a family, yeah you and Jax were fucking like bunnies, but it still felt like a family." He never allowed himself to wonder if it had been a lie, never thought about what he'd done to achieve all that he had. He had only lived in those moments when the four of them set down to dinner, when he sat back and laughed as Gemma got in their ass about one ridiculous stunt or the other, when he felt pride at their accomplishments. He didn't think of before and didn't like to look ahead. "I remember you and Jax and Opie and….Donna."

When he trailed off, squeezing her hand so hard she knew it hurt the both of them, Tara couldn't help the sliver of fear the raced up her spin. She'd never seen Clay like this. He was a man that didn't believe in weakness, not in others and definitely not in himself. But if she didn't know better she would have sworn there were tears in those ice blue eyes of his.

* * *

><p>This was how Gemma found them. Fear gripped her throat like a living thing. First she worried Tara told him about the rape. Then she worried that Clay told her about Donna. The worse part was, she didn't know which scenario would be worse. "You two stepping out."<p>

"Reminiscing." Tara informed her with a smile meant to soothe the frayed nerves she saw in Gemma's eyes. "Clay was just marveling over the fact that Jax and I don't have a teenage son by now."

"I just hope the two you have aren't teenagers by the time you give me a third grandson." When Nikolai came shooting out of the back of the house, and she shuddered to think about what he'd gotten up to back there, she held her arms out to catch him when he all but flung himself at her.

"Gem! I here."

"I see that."

"I need to get going."

Under Gemma's watchful eye, Tara gave Clay's hand one last squeeze before she stood up. She kissed Abel several times on his cheek before handing the baby to Clay and reaching out for Nikolai. She kissed him the same way she kissed Abel. Then with a quick brush of her lips over first Gemma and then Clay's cheek she headed towards the door.

"I'll be by later to check on Chibs." Gemma called before Tara could step out of the house.

"Okay, see you then." With a careless wave, Tara was out the door.

Gemma wasted no time taking the seat Tara just vacated. "What was that about?"

Clay shifted Abel in his arms. "Nothing. Reminiscing like she said."

"You didn't tell her about Donna, did you?"

There was a frown and something like offense in Clay's eyes. "Do I look stupid to you?"

"No." Gemma softened her tone, took his hand as Tara had. "You look weighed down. You need to unload, baby, you unload on me. Tara can't ever know about Donna." She'd never forgive any of them. Not her, not Clay, not Tig. It would crush her, shatter every illusion she had about SAMCRO and it's members. She'd pack up Nikolai and run back to Tacoma so fast they wouldn't even be able to make out her tail lights. Gemma couldn't have that. Couldn't have Tara getting spooked and running. Couldn't have her taking Jax's son from him, breaking up the young family they had.

She was close, so close to cementing her legacy. Jax and Tara already had a family, each one had brought another Teller and Janowitz into the world. Two little boys who were the image of them. Now all she needed was for them to make a son together. To give her a dark haired blue eyed grandson with Jax's quick smile and Tara's clever brain. Clay would be stepping down in a few years and Gemma could admit she wasn't ready for it to be over. But she could also admit that with her children and their children heading the club, she really wouldn't have to.


	8. Chapter 8

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: So this chapter continues from Potlatch to the end of Fa Guan**

**Chapter 8**

It never occurred to Tara that with her boyfriend being the VP of an outlaw motorcycle club, her best friend being the sergeant at arms, and her father being a founding member that it would be her pseudo mother/mother in law who would bring the hostile work environment claim down on her head. Tara couldn't recall a time ever being so pissed at Gemma. It didn't matter that she knew how well intentioned the other woman had been, how she was only doing what she'd been doing Tara's whole life. Gemma put her career in jeopardy. And it was in these times that Tara wanted nothing more than for Gemma to loosen the hold she had on her and Jax just a bit.

So when she walked into the Morrow house that night, her mood had not been cordial. If her boys hadn't been there she probably would have gone home and bailed on the entire night. She snapped at Gemma, she doesn't think she'd ever done that before. And when she saw that porn slut walk in with _Donna's_ kids, well that was just the straw that broke the camel's back. She didn't give a shit that Opie had invited her, as far as she was concerned Opie could fuck the porn slut to his heart's content. But to continue to give that woman access to Donna's children was just over the line.

That Jax would come in pleading the slut's case did not make things better. Actually Tara would go so far as to say he made things worse for Lyla. As Tara figured the tramp wasted no time going outside to whine to Jax and Opie about being insulted. She hadn't cut Jenn any slack, and despite what Cas may think, she actually liked _her_. So she didn't see any reason to treat Lyla any better. But she allowed Jax to charm her out of the funkiest part of her mood and had been willing to salvage what she could of the rest of the night. Then Hale came in and made that impossible.

After Hale left it was like the tight coil that had them all wrapped up had snapped. Though it wasn't like they were holding it together so well before that. It had made her sick to her stomach to hear Jax shout that he'd risked his life for the club. It had been all she could do to keep from grabbing and shaking him, demanding just what the hell he was thinking risking his life when he had a son who needed him. When she and Nikolai needed him. It somehow seemed both selfish and relevant considering what happened to Luann.

Luann. Tara couldn't imagine anyone wanting to hurt Luann. She hadn't deserved to die, not that way. She shouldn't have had to suffer that way. And poor Otto, he loved Luann so much, she knew this would kill him.

The shouting and shoving didn't stop, it got worse. She hadn't missed Jax's comment about him not being the one murdering women. Hadn't missed it, but didn't allow herself to think on it too much either. Maybe that made her a coward, she was almost sure it did, but she couldn't handle the truth of that comment.

She didn't linger long. She may have loved and known the club her whole life, but she just wanted-needed-to be away from them. As she packed up the boys she asked Jax to come home with her. He wouldn't meet her eye when he told her he needed to stay and see after his mother. It was late when he got in. And when he climbed into the bed he pulled her close and held her tight to his chest all night. When she woke, she was alone in bed.

It would be a lie if she said she hadn't been worried he'd left before they could talk. And she couldn't help but give a soft sigh of relief when she found him in the nursery. Seeing him there, dozing lightly with Abel secure in his arms was enough to soften the mood she woke up with.

Stepping softly into the room, Tara lowered herself onto the futon, brushing a hand over Jax's hair as she did so.

Jax's eyes blinked open slowly. For a moment he allowed himself to take the moment at face value. To think that this was just another morning waking up with his Old Lady's fingers in his hair and his son in his arms. But it wasn't just another morning.

"Morning." Tara's voice was soft as she drew her knees up to her chest. "You're up early."

"I have to go up to Stockton, talk to Otto."

"I'm sorry." She knew what it was to tell someone that they'd lost a loved one. And knowing Jax she knew just how deeply he was affected by Luann's death. "I know he probably won't want to hear it, but let Otto know that arrangements will be taken care of. Whatever he wants…"

"Thanks." This was his responsibility and he couldn't stop wondering if this was also his fault. Fucking with Caruso the way he did, ignoring Luann's warning to just leave things alone…it made him sick to think that he was in some way responsible for what happened to her. And selfishly his thoughts drifted to Tara.

Otto asked them to look after his Old Lady and what he asked was no more than what a brother should expect from his club. And they failed. Now he had the threat of a nice stretch hanging over his head and he'd expect his brothers to look after Tara and the boys while he was away. He couldn't even bring himself to imagine what it would be like to learn he lost her while he was away. "You know this isn't on the club."

Tara nodded because that's what he needed her to do but she couldn't stop herself from saying. "Still, it's the second violent death of a member's wife in the span of a few months. No matter the cause those are just…bad odds. More than that...they were my friends Jax."

"I know. No one's going to hurt you."

Before Tara could say anything, Nikolai called out for her.

"Mommy." His voice wasn't near as loud, so Tara knew he'd likely just rolled out of bed. But he was out of the room and padding down the hall before she could even push herself off the futon. "Mommy?"

"Right here, baby." He was already half way to her and Jax's bedroom when she caught him, scooping him up in her arms she kissed his cheek as she carried him into the bathroom.

* * *

><p>"Abel's down." Standing in the bathroom door, Jax couldn't help but to smile as Tara turned to face him with an arm full of wet toddler wrapped in a bath towel twice his size. "He should stay down long enough for you to get the little man all settled."<p>

"Okay." Nikolai reached out and Jax readily accepted the little boy into his arms. Like always Tara felt everything inside her melt, especially when Jax placed a kiss on Nikolai's cheek.

"Axe, wanna go with you."

"Sorry, buddy, not this time."

Stepping out of the bathroom, Jax carried Nikolai back to his room. Tara remained quiet as she followed behind them. She thought Jax would be heading out, thought he'd only stopped to let her know he was going. And maybe that's what he'd intended. But this, she thought as she leaned against the door to Nikolai's room, was so much better.

Jax sitting down on Nikolai's little racecar bed was just about the cutest thing she'd ever seen. And the sight was only made better as he began to help her son dress. Like he did with her, Nikolai was set on doing the majority of the work himself. Unlike her, Jax was more than willing to let him-only offering his assistance when Nikolai went overboard with the baby lotion she still used on him or he got his clothes tangled up around his arms and legs.

"We'll let your mom deal with your hair." Jax ran his fingers through the thick wet locks, doing his best to get out the tangles. "You are working with a lot of hair here, buddy." Like Tara, Jax thought. The kid's hair was every bit as thick at Tara's.

It hadn't been cut since Happy came and took him to the barber, if they didn't take him to get it cut soon the kid would start to look like Cousin It. Jax wanted to take him, kept insisting he'd be the one to take him. Truth was he liked the kid's hair long, he didn't think short hair would fit Nikolai. He thought Tara liked it long, too, and that was why she didn't bother reminding him to take Nik to Floyd's.

"There's no dealing with it." Walking into the bedroom, Tara lowered one knee to the bed so she could lean against Jax, her arm wrapping around his shoulders. "We love each other a lot more when I just leave it alone."

Jax tilted his head up to smile at her. He didn't see her just leaving Nikolai's hair alone. Not only because of the meticulous way she went about dressing the boys every morning but because whenever she was anywhere near him, Abel, or Nikolai her fingers always managed to find a way to tangle in their hair. "One day he's going to learn to appreciate a woman playing in his hair."

Tara winced. "He's still a baby, so I don't have to worry about that for a long while."

"Yeah, okay, Gemma."

Tara had nothing to say to that comment, simply fisted her hand in Jax's hair and gave it a none to gentle tug.

Jax had been gone for an hour before Tara was able to get herself ready for work. Abel stayed down but Nikolai seemed determined to wake him up. Nikolai was a firm believer in everybody being up when he was. So after making sure the majority of his cereal went into his mouth and not, well, everywhere else, she settled him in front of the TV for a block of The Backyardigans.

When she came out of the bedroom, pulling her hair up in a ponytail as she did, she expected to still find her son in front of the TV rocking back and forth to the music. Instead she found him before she could get to the living room. "Nikolai!"

Standing precariously on the arm of the rocking chair, Nikolai was leaning forward to reach inside Abel's crib. And at the sound of his name, he gave Tara a look that could only be described as impatient.

"Get down from there." But she didn't give him a chance to climb down himself, afraid he'd misstep and end up getting hurt, she lifted him off the chair and settled him on her hip. "What were you trying to do?"

"Ably has Pup."

Holding Pup in tiny hands, Abel smiled around the fluffy ear he was chewing on. The smile, Jax down to the crinkle at the corners of his eyes, was so pleased that Tara thought Abel knew exactly what he was doing. She couldn't be sure how Abel got his hands on the stuffed dog but she was willing to bet Nikolai had been teasing him with it.

"Let Abel play with Pup for awhile. You gotta learn to share." Because Nikolai was looking at her as if she started speaking Latin, Tara simply kissed his temple and carried him out of the nursery just as Neeta walked in. "Morning."

"Good morning. Looks like everybody got an early start today."

"Yeah and I should warn you, someone is in a mood." Tara kissed her son again. She knew him, knew his moods. And even though the day had barely started, she knew Nikolai was going to be hell on wheels.

* * *

><p>There was a time when one of Gemma's favorite places was TM. She loved being on the lot, close to JT then later Clay. Loved having all her guys around her and being the solace they sought after a hard day. Just lately she avoided it like the plague. The tension between Jax and Clay continued to build and everyone was feeling it. The boys were reeling and she didn't quite know how to fix it.<p>

The last thing she wanted, with everything else going on, was for Tara to be pissed at her as well. Which was why she was on her way to the hospital, would have been there in no time if her phone hadn't rung. "Yeah?"

"Gemma, it's Neeta. I'm gonna need you to get over here. Nothing's wrong." Neeta was quick to assure. "It's just...Nikolai…well, just come over."

It was nothing for Gemma to reset her course and it took her no time at all to get to Jax and Tara's house. When she arrived Nikolai was in his room. Neeta didn't need to explain what happened, all Gemma had to do was look at him. "Jesus Christ, Nik. Your daddy is going to shit." Crossing the room she reached out for his hair, the thick locks tangled and matted with paint.

For his part Nikolai only looked up at her and grinned, small face red in areas where it looked like Neeta had scrubbed the paint off.

"It's going to have to come off." Neeta supplied from the doorway.

Gemma nodded. "Yeah, I know. I'll take him to Floyd's." This, she thought as she tapped Nikolai's shoulder to get him to his feet, was not going to be pleasant at all.

* * *

><p>The last few months Tara was getting use to the quiet pace of St. Thomas. There were times she was grateful for that as her life was something of an adrenaline fueled mess. Other times she thought a faster pace would allow her to forget the trouble going on around her. But there was nothing she could do about it and it just didn't seem right to wish for a slew of sick children so she could forget her own shit for awhile.<p>

The down time did give her a chance to catch up on her charts. Tara could admit she fell behind on them more often than she should. But it was the aspect of her job she enjoyed the least and always put off as much as she could. She tried to get in on an assist, would have too if Margaret hadn't got involved. The run in with her, however, was the only hitch in Tara's otherwise quiet day.

Home soothed her, the clubhouse excited her, the hospital understood her, even if there were times she didn't understand herself being there. Sometimes she wondered if Jax felt that way about the clubhouse. If he felt that pull, the same since of purpose at the clubhouse that she did in the operating room. The person she was at home was the person she strived to be-a good mother to her sons, a good partner to Jax, a good person. She felt centered and grounded in the little house she shared with Jax and the boys in a way she hadn't felt anywhere else.

The hospital pulled her out of herself, so much sometimes she didn't recognize herself. She had moments of confusion, wondering how she found herself capable of fixing a tiny heart. But she never doubted it. Never doubted her abilities. She worried she wasn't a good enough mother, worried she wasn't giving Jax the strength he needed, worried she let her father down in some way. Her hands never shook when she was holding a scalpel.

"Dr. Knowles?"

Tara turned at the sound of her name, grateful for the distraction from her thoughts. "Dr. Cooper. How are you?"

"Good, good. I just wanted to update you on your friend, the SDH."

Closing the chart she was currently working in, Tara gave Dr. Cooper her full attention. She had to remind herself not to get annoyed when her colleague referred to Chibs by his injury, as it was a habit of hers as well. Besides, her annoyance was short lived upon learning that Chibs was out of the woods and would be making a full recovery.

"Now I heard that there was some issue regarding his insurance. I've worked with the head of Neuro at Stockton Memorial, I can vouch for the care he'll receive there if the issue is still of concern."

Tara nodde,d wondering if Margaret put up some kind of bulletin in the lounge regarding Chibs' insurance as she knew it was something Dr. Cooper wouldn't have normally concerned himself with. "Do you mind if I talk to him?"

"No, that's fine. Let him know I'll be in later to check on him and if there's any changes I'll be informing you."

The walk to Chibs' room wasn't an easy one for Tara. It wouldn't be the insurance, it was obvious Chibs wasn't overly concerned about his insurance. It would be the transfer to Stockton Memorial that wouldn't sit well for him.

"Hey,"

Sitting on the edge of Chibs' bed, Jax glanced up when Tara walked in. "Hey," Pushing off the bed, he slid his arm around her waist and lowered his mouth to hers. After his morning with Otto, seeing him breakdown at the lost of his wife, Jax found relief having his Old Lady so close.

"Hey," Chibs voice cut through the quiet in the room, but it was nowhere near as booming as was normal for him. "There are other people in the room. A little consideration for the dying."

Jax pulled away from Tara slowly, wanting nothing more than to dive back into the kiss when she rubbed her lips against his as if to imprint his taste there. "You okay?"

Tara nodded, tried to give him an easy smile even as her fingers tightened on his kutte. "Yeah. How'd it go with Otto this morning?"

"Bout how you'd expect. I need to head over to the clubhouse, I'll see you at home later."

"Okay." Accepting and loving the kiss he placed on the top of her head, Tara waited until Jax left the room before shifting her attention to Chibs.

"Finally realize I'm in the room."

"Could never forget you. How are you feeling?"

Chibs made a face and the wince that followed told that he immediately regretted it. "Happy to be here, darlin. Even if I had to count on some little girl with her dainty university degree to help me."

Leaning over the bedrail, Tara brushed her lips gently across the bandages on Chibs' head.

Years of friendship made it easy for Chibs to interpret the kiss. It definitely wasn't procedure, he was sure that Tara didn't go around kissing all the patients, and he knew if she let his comment about her degree slid she must have really been scared for him. "You're a good girl Tara."

"Hold on to that feeling. Because I need to talk to you about your insurance."

* * *

><p>His hands were shaking. He was king inside the clubhouse, there were few places he felt as safe or as comfortable. But as lowered himself onto the picnic table just outside the doors and brought a cigarette to his lips, his hands were shaking.<p>

He hadn't been scared at the time. When he pulled the gun out of his holster, set it on the table and turned his back on Clay, he hadn't been scared. He was too busy being right. Too busy being so firmly anchored in just how right he was, that the thought of Clay actually shooting him never entered his mind. It wasn't about showing just how big his dick was, he was just letting Clay know that he'd never forget what happened to Donna. What nearly happened to Opie.

Yet when he walked out of the clubhouse, when the reality of what he did set in, so did the fear. Clay was not a man who made threats idly. And Jax knew his stepfather was pushed just as close to the edge as he was. He didn't think Clay would have shot him but looking back he couldn't say for sure that he wouldn't have.

It was beginning to be too much. First he dared Alvarez to shoot him, now Clay. And both times it was about his conviction. Both times he forgot about the young family he was nurturing. If either Alvarez or Clay took him at his word, he'd have left Abel without a father. He'd have left Nikolai without a father. Tara without a partner. He'd have left his mother to bury another son.

It was the last thing he wanted to do to them. Didn't want to cause them anymore hurt or grief than they already experienced. But this fight with Clay was pulling him away from where he wanted to be. He just wanted to change the club. Make things safe for Abel and Nikolai and Tara. Wanted to do right by his father and his mother. Instead he found himself circling the same drain he was warning Opie about. Tara had mention how much Opie's kids needed him, how he was pulling away from them. Jax realized that daring two men to put a bullet in him was no different. He hoped to God Tara never found out about that.

* * *

><p>It was beginning to feel as if his entire day would be spent with men broken by losing the women they loved. First Otto, one of the craziest scariest fuckers he'd ever known, breaking down over the loss of Luann. Then the hurt Chibs wasn't quite able to hide at having seen Fiona again. And Opie, who was a walking open wound since he lost Donna. Finally the judge. The man loved his wife so much he built a shrine to her, allowed a part of himself to die off and leave his son parentless after her loss.<p>

Jax loved Tara. Loved her so much sometimes he couldn't think, couldn't breathe for loving her. When she went off to UCSD, when he felt like she was slipping away from him, he cried for her. Alone in his whiskey, far from everyone else, he cried for her. Three years they were each other's entire world. The big emotional love of teenagers became twisted and dark in the world they lived in. But it was real and it was true. And for three years it was all he wanted and needed.

It never waned, it never lessened. San Diego wasn't so far that he let her go but sometimes the distance between near fucking killed him. Weekends and breaks when she came home, he kept her by his side. Didn't want to allow either of them to forget that she was his, would always be his. Then he heard about Loyola Med. Loyola Med all the fuck the way in Chicago. The thought of losing her, of not having her with him, hollowed him. He took it out on her. Wanted to hate her and make her hate him, so he wouldn't have to feel like he was dying at just the thought of not having her. When she walked away, when he thought he lost her for good, he left the party and cried for her. Called his tears a weakness and blamed her so he could hate her.

The problem was it didn't work. He didn't hate her, never stopped loving her, and wanted her with every breath he took. She came and went after that. They were never fully out of each other's lives, couldn't be. They didn't know how to let each other go.

When she came back, really came back, he felt more himself than he had in a long time. She'd given him his son. Wendy may have carried Abel and he didn't want to take anything away from her. But it had been Tara who gave him life. Tara who repaired the whole in his belly and made his heart strong. She made him a father. And allowed him to be a father to her son as well.

Seeing the judge, the way he shut down after losing his wife, leaving his son alone…it scared the shit out of Jax. He loved Tara. Loved her so much sometimes he didn't know what to do with it. Just the thought of losing her made him crazy. He didn't like to think of what he'd do if someone tried to take her from him.

He loved her and it was real and true. But it was still dark and twisted in a way that neither of them looked too deeply at. Dark and twisted in a way that Opie and Donna had never been, in a way he was sure the straight-laced judge and his sweet little wife never knew. Yet he saw what losing their wives did to those men. He shuddered to think what would ever happen to him were he to lose Tara.

* * *

><p>She felt his eyes on her. Sometimes Tara could swear she felt Jax in her bones. When she turned, saw him standing in the door of the bathroom watching her, she hadn't felt afraid. He hadn't come home, so she hadn't slept. Seeing him there, knowing Abel and Nikolai slept peacefully in their beds clicked everything into place.<p>

As she watched Jax shrugged out of his kutte, heat immediately pooled low in her belly. Really it was all she could do not to throw open the shower doors and fling herself into his arms before he could finish undressing. But she found the patience to wait, though watching Jax undress was never a hardship. Every inch of her man was beautiful.

She was at the end of her shower, Jax knew because the entire bathroom smelled of the body wash she used. For the life of him he couldn't say what kind. And he didn't care what anyone said the shit did _not_ smell like the fruit written on the label. Because, yeah, he read the label.

All he knew was that he loved the smell. So soft and subtle and uniquely his girl. Loved coming home at night and finding the places on her skin where it still lingered. Always felt like he was cleansing his palate after a day at the clubhouse or at CaraCara, around women who seemed to bathe in one cloying sent or another. They brushed against him, pushed up on him, trying to draw his attention. And not a single one could twist his gut in arousal the way Tara's soft clean scent could.

By the time he stepped into the shower, where the scent of her body wash was made heavier by the steam from the shower, he was already hard.

Tara thought about making some joke, giving him shit about not even bothering to ask if he could join her. But there was something in his eyes that told her he needed something else. So that when he framed her face in his hands, she tilted her head back to give him whatever he needed.

"I missed you." Jax practically breathed the words into her mouth before closing his lips over hers. Fuck, she was soft. Pliant. Her skin was hot from the shower, her limbs limp as they locked around his neck, and her body willing. So fucking willing.

He kissed her thoroughly, his tongue exploring every inch of her mouth. There was no counting the number of times he kissed her. He knew her taste, knew the feel of her tongue curling against his. He knew it all, but still he kissed her like it was the first time he discovered the sweetness of her mouth.

Tara moaned low and deep in her throat when Jax pushed her back against the tiled wall. His body had been considerably cooler when he stepped into the shower, effectively cutting through the steam and sending chills down her spine. But he was warming up, already his erection was hot and hard against her stomach. She wanted him inside her already. He seemed intent on doing nothing more than kissing her. She wanted to fucking climb him.

Blindly, Jax reached out for her body wash. Keeping his mouth on hers as he poured a generous amount into the palm of his hand.

"I've washed already." Tara mumbled as her lips proceeded to run along his jaw to his ear.

"Can never be too clean, babe. Besides," He placed his hands on her shoulders, running both down her chest to cup her breasts. "I'm about to get you dirty again." His hands continued down her stomach, dipped momentarily between her legs before moving back to her breasts.

Jax wondered why they didn't do this more often. Thought he could have her like this, slick and wet and warm against him, forever. The air was thick and heavy, making his head feel the same way. His thumbs brushed her nipples until they became hard, until Tara could no longer bite back her sexy little whimpers.

Her hands weren't idle. Running over his back, sometimes dragging her short nail along his skin, gripping his ass to pull him closer. "Jax…"

His lips were curled into a satisfied grin even as his teeth grazed along the underside of her breast. His tongue soothing the bite before laving her nipple with the same attention. Tara's hands tangled in his hair, gripping tightly and silently urging him on. Jax dropped to his knees in front of her, his mouth moving over her, tasting and marking her wherever the urge hit.

Sometimes he wondered if people realized just how slight his Old Lady was. She was always strutting around in her heeled boots, head high and her eyes sharp, that it was easy to forget that she really was a little thing. He hoped he was the only one who knew. The only one who knew just how easy it was to wrap her up, to tuck her into his side.

"Jax, please…"

She was just so easy to mark. And with teeth and fingers he took advantage of that. Loved to grip her hips until he knew fingertip shape bruises would be left behind, loved to sink his teeth into her until bite marks appeared. But bruises healed, the burn left behind by his beard would soothe, and the marks he made with his mouth would fade. There was a time that annoyed him, a time he wouldn't let her go until some symbol of his claim was left on her. Then she got his crow.

Still sitting back on his heels, Jax turned her until her chest was pressed to the wall and a growl sounded in his throat at the sight of his crow inked into her skin. Tara shivered and bit back a scream when he ran his tongue over the ink. His mouth paying homage to the area of her back that marked her as his.

There was a time he thought she'd have it removed. After Nik was born, when she was playing house with the Russian, Jax had been so sure she'd have the crow removed. The thought had upset him so much he'd gotten drunk and picked a fight with one of the visiting Nomads, forcing Clay to have them settle what was between them in the ring. Jax used his fist to take all his anger out on his unsuspecting brother.

The relief he felt when he discovered she never even considered getting the crow removed should have been embarrassing.

Rushing back up her body, Jax stopped just long enough to press a kiss to the ink between her shoulder blades. "You ready?" He whispered the words in her ear, causing Tara to shudder. The water had begun to cool, but she didn't care. Couldn't care with Jax pressed hot and hard at her back. She tried to turn around to face him, but Jax took her hands in his. Keeping her wrist locked together above her head with one hand while he used the other to turn her head to the side so that he could take her mouth in a kiss. A kiss that muffled her cries when he bent his knees, shifted his hips, and drove into her with ease.

Using his hand to cup her cheek, Jax kept her face angled towards his. Belatedly he thought he should have carried her out of the shower, bent her over the sink so he could watch he face and her crow as he moved inside her. Instead he had to content himself on her broken moans and soft whimpers, on the taste of her skin, on the way she sucked his thumb into her mouth and used her teeth when did something particularly right. And it was good, so fucking good the way she moved back against him, moving her hips so that it looked like the crow flexing it's wings.

It was perfection. When she began to spasm around him, hips jerking, teeth sinking into the curve of his wrist to keep from screaming out, it was absolute perfection. His thrust became more erratic, more insistent. The tingling in his lower back began, he released her wrists to lock his arms tight around her. Sorry about the awkward angle he held her head in but needing the taste of her mouth as he found his release inside of her.

And even after. He kept his hips pressed to hers so that he could stay inside her even as he began to soften. Breaking the kiss only to bury his mouth in the curve of her neck, nipping and sucking at the skin there because he could not get enough of her taste. And his arms holding her close because after a day spent with men broken over the loss of the women they loved, he was extremely grateful to have his Old Lady in his arms.


	9. Chapter 9

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**AN: This chapter continues from the end of Fa Guan, through Balm, to the beginning of Service.**

**Chapter 9**

There was a completely self-satisfied smirk on Jax's face when he practically carried Tara out of the shower to deposit her on their bed. He loved making her limp and practically boneless the way she was now. Loved the way the green in her eyes became like moss and slanted sleepily up at him. And what he loved more than anything was that if he crawled between her thighs, hard and ready, she'd be just as eager for another go as he was.

As if reading his thoughts, her lips curled in a lazy smile. "Wanna lock the door, Teller?"

He did, he really fucking did. But he knew the boys schedule. Abel would wail until one of them went to pick him up and Nikolai would knock and shout until they let him in. It was best to get dressed, to stop being tempted by the picture she made. Best but not at all easy. Although, "It does look like Niko is planning on sleeping in today." At this Tara winced and it seemed just like that, the playful mood she was in dimmed considerably. "What?"

"Talk to your mother?" Jax shook his head. "Didn't peek in on either of the boys when you came in?" Again he shook his head. "You should go do that."

Grabbing a pair of boxers out of the top drawer, Jax slipped them on before heading out of the bedroom. He stopped by the nursery first, Abel was awake. His legs and arms were working in a way that Jax knew meant he was only moments away from letting him know he was sick of waiting. Picking his son up out of the crib, Jax placed a kiss on his temple before carrying him to the changing table.

As always he began to talk nonsense to the baby, a jumble of words that he knew Abel didn't understand yet held his attention none the less. Jax enjoyed it as well, enjoyed sharing stories of how one day they'd ride through Charming together. How he'd have his own bike and a club that he could be proud of. How Tara would get over her disapproval and he and Nikolai would sit at the head of the table just like him and Opie would one day.

When Abel was dry and changed, Jax lifted him back into his arms to carry him the few steps to Nikolai's room. And for several seconds he stood in the door staring at the boy sitting quietly on the bed in stunned silence. The kid had been buzzed, completely buzzed. "What the fuck?"

Nikolai turned, eyes bright the same way Tara's would get when she was angry. "Gem took my hair! It's gone!"

He thought it was kind of like seeing Batman without the mask. The kid's hair…not since he was a baby and Tara brought him to Charming the first time had Jax seen the kid without hair. It didn't seem right at all. When he saw Nikolai's bottom lip tremble and the way his eyes began to water, Jax crossed the room to sit on the bed. Shifting Abel in his arms, he reached out one arm to pull Nikolai on to his lap. "It's okay, buddy."

But Jax thought he hated it more than Nikolai did. Couldn't even say why it bothered him so much. Long hair or no, the kid was the spitting image of Tara. Actually, Jax thought the resemblance to Tara was even more apparent now with the hair no longer obscuring his face. And even with that breathless resemblance, people still looked at Nikolai and thought he was Jax's son. He always thought it was the blond hair, the hair he knew came from the Russian, though Lenny and his mother were always quick to point out that Tara had been blond as a kid. People assumed the kid was his because his mother was Tara. But Jax still liked that Nikolai's hair had been long, not as pin straight as his own or anywhere near as blond. It was a connection he clung to, something his mind used to trick itself into seeing Nikolai as his own. Now it was gone.

"It'll grow back." The words may have been just as much for himself as they were for Nikolai. "Hey, you and Abel kind of look alike now." It wasn't true, the two boys didn't bare the slightest resemblance to one another but he thought it would make Nikolai smile.

It didn't work, Nikolai continued to sniffle into Jax's bare chest until Abel reached over and ran a hand over the top of his head. Jax didn't know what it was, the sensation on his palm or the thought of getting away with something but Abel let out a deep belly laugh. The sound was enough to have Nikolai's head coming up, his face completely serious if not a little confused. Abel reached over again, only just touched his fingers to Nikolai's head before the belly laughs started again. And that was all it took, Nikolai's face split in a quick grin as he leaned forward to allow Abel to touch his head again. This time both boys erupted in laughter.

This was the sound that drew Tara to Nikolai's room, the sound of her boys laughing. Her little man had not been pleased when she came in from work the night before. Truth be told, Tara had not been pleased. She and Jax had always in passing discussed taking Nikolai to get his hair cut. But she was sure his idea of a hair cut ran more in line with the trim she'd been thinking of. This had not been a trim. Her baby had been sheared. So much so Tara wondered if Floyd had been preparing him for reform school.

Gemma had told her what happened, told her how Nikolai had gotten into her paints and proceeded to get paint everywhere. Told her how it wouldn't wash out and she had no choice but to take him to Floyd's. She'd been expecting short, like a mess of curls around his ears much like Kip's. She had not been expecting to see her baby looking like he was on his way to boot camp. It was Neeta that described just how much paint Nikolai had in his hair, explained that it had hardened until it looked like he'd had a helmet on. It was hard to get mad at Gemma after that. Hard to do anything but realize she really should have been prepared for this with the mood Nikolai had been in.

She'd known Jax wouldn't like it. Had considered warning him before sending him out of the room. But she hadn't been warned and thought it would be a little funny if Jax wasn't either. His loud and displeased 'What the fuck?' had not disappointed. It was the laughter that she heard moments later that was a surprise. It was quite possibly her most favorite sound in the world-the sound of her boys laughing. So much so that she dressed as quickly as she could to rush down the hall to Nikolai's room.

The smile came easily. Tara thought every morning should be like this. Her body still ached in the most delicious way and she was sure the bruises from Jax's hands and mouth were already starting to show. And now here were her boys, all three of them, laughing and playing together.

Jax was on his back, feet planted on the floor. Abel was propped up on his chest, hands coming down on Jax's face and small fingers tangling in his hair. Nikolai was laying on his back as well, head resting on Jax's shoulder. When Abel would reach over to touch Nikolai's head, he'd pull back and laugh, which caused Jax and Nikolai to laugh as well.

Tara wasn't sure how long she watched them like this, thought she could continue to do so for the rest of the day. She did grow concerned when they started to wrestle as she knew just how rough Nikolai could be. But Jax had both boys under control. He was such a good father. She often wondered if he knew just how good he was with them. If he knew the way the boys faces lit up when they saw him, just how much they both loved him. Like this, he was the boy she fell in love with and the man she knew she'd love for the rest of her life. The knowledge was as frightening as it was exhilarating.

"Looks like you're taking a beating there, Teller."

Three smiling faces turned at the sound of her voice. Nikolai had his arm locked around Jax's neck, while Abel was pressing both hands down on his face. He spoke, but the words were lost against the mattress.

"You guys got him." She lifted Abel into her arms but was unable to stop Nikolai from driving his knee into Jax's back one last time before he rolled off the bed. "How the mighty have fallen."

"They were wearing down, another few minutes and I would have had them."

Taking Nikolai's hand, Tara started out of the room with a laugh. "No you wouldn't have."

* * *

><p>Tara thought she should have known, really she should have, that a morning with her boys would go so wrong so fast. She couldn't say she was sorry that CaraCara burned down but she was sorry it upset Jax the way it did. She knew what he saw when he went to the ashy ruins of his porn kingdom, knew he saw all he worked for gone. But Tara was glad it was gone.<p>

She knew something more than CaraCara was weighing on Jax. He wasn't right…whole…_hers_. He tried, she couldn't say he didn't try his best to appear as if things were okay when he was home. But she'd known. Just as she knew that even though he told her a lot of what was going on in the club, he didn't tell her everything. What she couldn't be sure of is if he kept things from her that he didn't think she could handle knowing. Or things _he_ couldn't handle her knowing. Or if there was really much difference between the two.

Sometimes it was all she could do not to remind him that her father had never kept her in the dark about the club. But really it was not a reminder Jax would need or want. It had never been much of a secret that Jax disagreed with Lenny telling her things. Though she didn't think anyone knew that he blamed Lenny and the things he told her on her decision to go away to school. She wasn't even sure Jax knew she'd figured him out. Wasn't sure he was aware that at times, not often and definitely not for everyone to see, he wore his heart of his sleeve.

It was why she didn't know how to tell him about her review coming up. He was so proud of her, of what she made of herself. So even as she found herself reluctant to add to what she was an already full plate for him, she was also embarrassed. So much so she hadn't even been able to tell her dad or even Kozik about it. She thought of Donna, thought she knew what her best friend would say about the position she put herself in. Donna would have given her an earful and rightfully so.

Tara could admit that what she'd done for Chibs had been kneejerk. It was Chibs. He needed her help, he'd asked her for help. More he wasn't just Jax's brother and friend, he was her friend as well. There hadn't been much forethought in her actions, no consideration of the consequences. And that lack of thought, lack of consideration cost her. It wasn't about the club, not just, not really. But it still would have pissed Donna off.

The club first mentality had always bothered Donna but after Opie went away it got worse. Being her father's daughter, Tara placed the blame for what happened to Opie squarely on Kyle's shoulders. Hated the other man for abandoning his brother the way he did. But she was also a woman and understood what it had been like for Donna to go those five years without her husband. And in understanding found it hard to blame Donna for the way she felt.

Tara also thought Donna, before anyone else, would have called her out on her ego. Because as much as she hated to admit it, ego played a large part in her decision to help Chibs. The thought of besting Margaret, proving herself smarter more clever had been too great a temptation to pass up. She was too much like her father to pass it up. And like her father it lead her right into trouble.

Margaret threatening to take her before the board was bad enough and it had her on edge like nothing else. With everyone else she may have played off her years at school, pretended as if the work and years put in to becoming a surgeon was nothing. But she was proud of what she'd accomplished and worked her ass off to accomplish it. To have the career she worked so hard to achieve threatened near stole her breath.

Still she was handling it, internally she was sick, but outwardly she was handling it. She knew what she brought to St. Thomas, knew how the board viewed it's surgeons and had convinced herself that as long as she maintained ignorance and kept her behavior until her review above board everything would work itself out.

* * *

><p>Tara was able to catch Happy coming out of Gemma's office at TM. Happy wasn't Kozik or Cas, she couldn't intimidate him with a look, break him with a pout, or wheedle information out of him with a smile. She couldn't read him as well as the other two either. It could be frustrating, but he wouldn't be Happy if he was easy. She got him to follow her back to the house, she wasn't sure she'd get any information out of him.<p>

"Hap! Hap! Hap!"

Nikolai shot pass her like a bullet to launch himself into Happy's arms. Stepping away from the two of them before they started wrestling around, Tara walked into the kitchen to offer Neeta a smile. "Hey, Neeta. I'll be home for a couple hours if you want to head out for a bit."

"There were a few things I wanted to get to today. Just let me finish feeding this little one."

"Oh," Tara waved her off as she bent over Abel's highchair to drop a kiss to the top of his head. "I can finish up."

"Good. I needed to head to the Grocery store, shouldn't be too packed this time of day." Neeta set Abel's bowl down on the table before standing up so Tara could take the chair she'd been using. "Want me to pick up anything for you while I'm there?"

Because she hated grocery shopping, Tara was quick to take up the offer. "If it's not too much trouble."

"Not at all."

It didn't take long for Tara to make a list and sign over a check, the prospect of getting out of something she didn't want to do in the first place had her moving quickly. By the time Neeta was out the door, Nikolai and Happy had come to the end of their wrestling match.

"I can't believe you cut his hair." Happy began as he sat at the kitchen table, settling Nikolai on his knee.

"Wasn't our choice. He got paint everywhere." Tara explained as she got the last few spoonfuls of peas into Abel's mouth and it was just in time as his attention immediately flew to Nikolai.

"So what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Jax going Nomad." As she watched, Happy's face became a hard mask and she could only shake her head. "I'm not asking why you didn't tell me or anything like that. I want you to tell me what it's like. Gemma…" Conscious of the boys, Tara made sure to keep the concern out of her voice. "Theoretically I know what it means, but…what was is like for you?"

Tara may not have been able to always read Happy but that had never been a problem for him. And he thought he knew exactly what thoughts were circling in that complicated head of hers. She wanted him to tell her that Jax would be safe, that when he set out on the road he wouldn't come back to her in a box. "We should probably get these guys settled somewhere."

Tara's heart sank, fear curled in her belly but she wouldn't back down. Refused to run away from what ever he was about to tell her. She'd listen and when she talked to Jax, she'd get the answers she been too afraid to ask for.

* * *

><p>Tara was still sitting in the kitchen, gun in hand, when Jax walked Clay out of the house. It had been a long day and his body was screaming out in pain. Going Nomad, hearing Gemma's confession, realizing what it was he had to do, it was a lot to deal with. And Jax felt it, felt every bit of it. But he couldn't stop moving, couldn't stop thinking. Holding Abel helped, thinking of ending the men who raped his mother helped even more.<p>

Strangely, despite the aches, he felt centered. Felt for the first time in months that he knew what had to be done and how. Felt that way until he walked into the kitchen and saw Tara staring blankly at the gun in her hands. When he stepped into the kitchen, placed one hand over her wrist to remove the gun he couldn't help but think about the last time he took a gun out of her hand.

Tara glanced up at him then quickly back down at his kutte, at the patches he'd been in the middle of sewing back on. She knew that each brother had sewn their own patches on their kuttes. Knew what that meant to them. But she needed something to do with her hands. Needed to look at something other than the question in his eyes. "This means you're not going away."

Jax sat down in the chair she'd occupied when she first came to the kitchen. "No, I'm not going away."

"Thank you," Her voice cracked with hidden meaning. "Thank you for understanding why I didn't tell you before."

"Gemma needed you not to tell me what happened to _her_." He knew what she was trying to get out of him. But her earlier words rang in his ears: _You already did_. Talking about his mother and what he had to do, he told her he'd do the same for her. And she told him he already did. Clay had come to the door by the time he realized. Fucking Kohn. He could see now that she wanted him to leave well enough alone, to not ask her about what happened. He thought he needed to hear this, just as he needed to hear what happened to his mother.

"What you did…kissing her hands like that." Tara had loved him so much in that moment. She wasn't sure she could ever describe to him just how much. "She needed that. She was so worried, so worried you and Clay wouldn't look at her the same way. That Clay wouldn't want her anymore."

Jax's eyes went to Tara's hands. Despite the tremble in her voice, her hands were steady, her stitches neat and even. "Clay loves her."

The words were so simple. But love between her and Jax had always been anything but. It was old and new and delicate and durable. She was as sure of it as her own name but didn't know if she could trust in it. Sweet enough to make a home for their boys but dark enough to ignore a dead body while they found their pleasures. It was her and Jax, always uniquely them. And it had never been simple.

"I'm just glad she finally trusted us enough to tell us."

Another pointedly simple statement, but Tara swore he didn't know what he was asking. "I don't think it was a matter of trust. I know she hates that it took this to get the two of you on the same page again, I hate it too. But I'm glad you and Clay aren't fighting anymore. It killed Gemma to see you two that way."

"I know." He'd seen it. Knew his mother well enough to know just what he and Clay being at odds did to her. He hated it, but he hadn't been able to put aside what he was feeling for her. He could now. Donna, what Clay did to her would never be forgotten. But Jax knew what he had to do now and he knew he needed Clay to do it. It was the nature of their brotherhood. "Tara. Tell me what happened with Kohn."

"You know what happened."

She wouldn't meet his eyes, but he knew she was lying. It wasn't hard for him to nail down a time. The four years she was at Loyola, despite her being with the Russian, they'd been off and on. Whenever she came back to Charming, if they happened to be in Tacoma at the same time. They had long nights, a handful of hours and a few lost weekends. At least for awhile they did.

Then one day he woke up feeling lost, disconnected, and missing Tara so much he could hardly breathe. He'd hopped on his bike, without a word to anyone, and ended up on her doorstep in Chicago. When she saw him, she gave him a smile that let him know he'd made the right decision in coming to her. When she agreed to take a ride with him, he knew she was what he'd been needing all along.

For five hours they road. He had no destination, no plan, no desire other than having her with him. They ended up in Glen Arbor Michigan, so far away from where anyone would even begin to think to find them. He got her out of her clothes the second they stepped over the threshold of the little cabin they rented and he hadn't allowed her to put them back on until they finally left the cabin to go home. It had been perfect.

They talked and they laughed and they fucked. They smoked the joints he had mixed in with his cigarettes, ate whatever food that delivered cheaply, they made love. And at some point they began to plan. She would be finished with school soon, she told him, there would be no reason for her to stay in Chicago. She asked him to give her a reason to go back to Charming.

That's when he told her he loved her, told her he needed her with him. He promised to end it with Wendy, promised to wait for her to finish school, promised that everything would be ready for her when she came back to him. At the end of their three days, Jax had walked out of that cabin feeling like he was walking on air. The five hours back to Chicago had gone by faster than he would have liked. But when he dropped her off in front of her building, she was as reluctant to let him go as he was to leave. But she kissed him, didn't seem to want to stop kissing him. She had asked him to stay.

No, Jax thought, the moment seeming clearer now than it did back then. She hadn't asked him to stay, she'd been begging him. Pulling at his arm and doing all she could to get him to climb off his bike and inside with her. Even joked about him staying in Chicago with her until she finished school so they could go back to Charming together. He laughed, laughed and felt proud that she didn't want him to leave. Felt confident that things would work themselves out.

He left her there. Watched her walk into the building and left, missing her before he was even a mile away. The urge to pull over and call her had consumed him but he'd put it off for as long as he could, which in reality hadn't been long at all. She hadn't answered the first time he called and he thought maybe she was in the shower. She hadn't answered the second time he called and he figured she was sleeping. The third time he thought she'd probably already left for school or work. The fourth time he thought he should have let her know what time he'd be calling because he knew she'd have made sure to be home. He called, never stopped calling, but she never answered. He called until he was informed that the number he called had been disconnected.

And he hated her, hated her so fucking much he wanted to head back to Chicago and spew all the venom that had been coursing through him back out at her. Hated her so much and was in so much fucking pain he imagined going back to Chicago and putting them both out their misery. He hadn't been able to make sense of it. At the time he raged that she once again used him as her bad boy dick, a secret fuck while her slick ass Russian was away.

Now he could look back on that weekend clearly, the rage that clouded his memories gone because she was at his side again. He could remember the way she kissed him, the smile that lit up her face when she talked about moving back to Charming, the way her eyes had darkened while he'd been inside her. The rasp of her voice as she whispered her love. That had all been real. She'd meant every bit of it. And the only thing that would have kept her from answering his calls, from going through with the plans they made was if something happened.

"Our weekend together," He didn't have to say which weekend, out of all the ones they had only one had mattered. And the way her eyes flicked briefly up to his let him know she knew what he was talking about. "I called you. I kept calling you."

"Jax," Tara's voice was soft, her hands still sure and steady as she finished the patch and tied off the thread. "We're together now, we don't need to go back to that weekend."

"You wanted to come back with me," He continued as if she hadn't spoke. "You were so excited to come back, to be with me, and then it was like you dropped off the face of the earth. And I'm thinking, what could have possible happened to make you change your mind."

There was a part of Tara that wanted to curl into a ball, wanted to hide away from what she saw in his eyes. She didn't want him to know, he couldn't know. She didn't want to go back to that place. Hated that just thinking about it still frightened her. "He's gone."

"He's gone." Jax agreed, taking her hands until she finally met his eyes. "He can't hurt you." He'd seen to that. One shot, straight to the head to make sure that sick fuck's days of harassing his girl were over. But at the moment Jax wanted him alive. Wanted him alive so he could kill him all over again, only this time he'd do it slow, make the son of a bitch suffer for everything he did to her. "If I could bring him back I would, bring him back and make him sorry for what he did to you."

"Once was enough." Tara laced her fingers with his. "Do you know what it meant to me? I called you, told you I needed you, and you were there. With everything else that was going on, you came back when I called. Truth is Jax, I needed that more than anything else."

Standing up from his chair, Jax pulled her into his arms. It wasn't said in so many words, but he knew the truth of it now. And he realized, he wouldn't have been able to handle Tara telling him what happened. Didn't think he'd ever be able to stand hearing the words. Not after hearing what happened to Gemma, not ever. As it was, he was going to kill Westin for his mother. But he knew the truth of it now. And someone, someone in Zobelle's crew was going to get Kohn's beating. He could guaran-fucking-tee that.


	10. Chapter 10

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 10**

"You know it wouldn't kill you to be nicer to her."

"It might. You don't know."

Passing Tara the joint she held, Gemma couldn't help but smirk at the younger woman. There was a lot of Lenny in Tara, a _lot_ of Lenny, but sometimes she did or said something that reminded Gemma so much of herself it was kind of scary. "I know you gave the girls in Tacoma shit. There was one girl-Gypsy, I think- I swear wet herself whenever your name was mentioned. And how hard you were on Jenn-"

"I liked Jenn," Tara interrupted as she lazily blew smoke over her shoulder.

"Please." Gemma didn't believe that for even a second. Tara had rode that poor girl like Zorro. If she liked her she'd have hated to see what she done if her feelings tilted towards the other way. "Someone replaced you as number one in Kozik's heart and it pissed you off."

"That's ridiculous and not at all true." Tara scoffed. "I was never replaced. The truth is she made Kozik happy, that's all that mattered, so I liked her."

"Didn't Gypsy make Cas happy?"

"Cas is a walking erection, a blow-up doll would make that whore happy."

Seeing an opening, especially with Tara more than a little buzzed, Gemma slanted her a look. "You ever make him happy?"

It took a moment, as it just seemed so absurd that Tara couldn't even process what Gemma was asking, but when it finally clicked she near doubled over with laughter. "Me and Cas? God, no."

It should have made her breathe a sigh of relief. But as Gemma crossed another name off her list of possibilities she wasn't at all relieved. The list of names was getting smaller. And there was one name left on the list, a name she'd been hesitant to even ask Tara about, that worried her. "Jenn made Kozik happy, that's all that mattered. How is that different from Lyla making Opie happy."

"Kozik wasn't married to Donna." And Tara knew, really she did, that she was being a brat about this. Opie's happiness did matter to her. Ellie and Kenny's happiness mattered to her. And as much as it pained her to admit, the few times Lyla's name came up when she talked to Kenny and Ellie, they really seemed to like her. Still, it wasn't easy for her to come to terms with. "I'd do the same for you."

"Be a massive bitch to anyone Clay fools around with after I die? Thanks but, you don't have to worry about that, sweetie, I plan on living forever."

She probably would, too, Tara thought as she absently twisted the joint in her fingers. She could remember nights like this with Jax, Opie, and Donna. Hanging around the lot, passing a joint, and looking for something to get into. It was a lifetime ago-before patches and college acceptance letters and kids. She'd give anything to go back, to have Donna again. There was so much she'd do differently, a surprisingly many things she wouldn't.

As much as it hurt, she wouldn't deviate from that rough jagged path she and Jax took to get to where they were now. Not when that path lead to Nikolai and Abel. When she was feeling particularly sentimental (or buzzed as she was now) she could admit that she and Jax had to create the mess they did of their relationship so they could get those two precious boys.

"Donna's gone, baby." Gemma spoke softly, knowing this was a touchy subject with Tara. "It's not Lyla's fault."

"No," Tara thought, not quite high enough to keep her mind from drifting to dark places. But Tig got worked over and Opie's knuckles were a mess. Up until a day ago Jax and Clay had been going at each other like rabid dogs. And Jax's words-_I'm not the one murdering women_-the look that crossed Clay's face. She couldn't shake the feeling it caused in her gut. "Not Lyla's fault."

Something in Tara's tone put Gemma on guard. "Tara?"

It was too much to think about. And Tara wasn't sure she could handle what she'd find if she followed her thoughts through to conclusion. Now was not the time to fall apart. Jax needed her, Gemma needed her. "I just miss her, Gemma. Lyla's no Donna. She couldn't be even if she tried."

"No, but she's just trying to make it through, baby. Just like the rest of us. She needs a friend."

Tara thought maybe that was true and there was some part of her that understood it. There were times when she allowed herself to imagine just how different her life would be if she didn't have her dad, Gemma, Kozik, Happy, the club. Jax. She had a home and a family. Something it didn't take a genius to see Lyla was missing terribly.

She was always grateful to have a group of people who loved and supported her, who she could go to for help with her child. Or the money Alexei left, the money her father put away that allowed her to go to medical school. She'd been lucky. She knew there were people who would look at her life and not think it, but Tara knew she'd been lucky.

She liked to think, that even if things had been different, she wouldn't have ended up where Lyla was. Everyone agreed she had her father's brain but Tara liked to think that under a different set of circumstances she'd have still been able to carve a place out for herself in the world that didn't involve selling her body.

Maybe it was easy to understand where Lyla was coming from and just how she ended up where she was. But Tara didn't think that meant she had to like Lyla. It was a stance she was prepared to stand firm in until she caught the look Gemma was giving her. "I'm not a child Gemma. You can't make me be friends with someone."

Gemma made a restless movement with her shoulders. "Did I say anything?"

No, Tara thought as she did her best to ignore the way Gemma continued to look at her, it wasn't necessary to _say_ anything. She knew that look, the _I know you'll do the right thing_ look. She always felt that it was a look she received a lot more often than Jax and Opie. Always felt that it was unfair for Gemma to hold her to a different standard than the boys. But she never said anything. Always buckled under that look. This time was no different.

"Damn it, Gemma. Fine. I'll make nice with Opie's porn princess."

"See? The two of you are royalty, you already have something in common."

Gemma held out the nearly finished joint, but Tara rolled her eyes. She'd play nice but she wasn't about share a joint with the other woman. At least not the same joint. Tara may not have seen any of Lyla's movies but she could still imagine the places the woman's mouth had been. Moving quickly, Tara snatched the crumbled cigarette packet out of Gemma's back pocket, knowing her well enough to know that's where she kept her joints.

"Hey,"

"You wanted me to play nice." Tara smiled as she danced out of the way of Gemma's reaching arm.

"Nice being the key word." Gemma called out. "I know it won't be easy for you."

Shooting Gemma a look over her shoulder, Tara chose not to actually say anything. There really wasn't a point. Some part of her was still a child doing what her mother instructed her.

* * *

><p>"You know, Luanne use to talk about you all the time." Lyla began cautiously, eyes narrowed as she watched Tara through a haze of smoke. "She was so proud of you. She was always going on about you. Our kid this or our kid that, I actually thought you were hers."<p>

"It's the club," Tara mumbled, the buzz she was feeling dimming considerably at the thought of Luanne and what happened to her. "The family. I had like ten fathers growing up." But she'd only had two mothers. The one she lost before she ever really knew her and Gemma. Luanne hadn't been like a mother, Gemma didn't share, but she'd been important all the same. She was probably the warmest person Tara had ever known. And sweet in a way that burned out of a lot of women in the life.

"Ten dads don't sound so bad. Kind of wish I had one."

She'd said it lightly, but Tara saw something spark in the other's woman's eyes. She craved family, probably more now than ever before with Luanne being gone. "You had Luanne. When I was in Chicago, like the first three months, everyone was kind of pissed at me." Gemma had been supportive but didn't like her being so far away. Someone (Kozik) had let slip to (told) her father that she'd been accepted to UW School of Medicine. Lenny was not happy that she chose a school so far away instead. "Piney called but that was mainly to yell at me. Clay called once or twice. But Luanne called me once a week. Same time, same day, without fail." And every time she hung up she was sure to let Tara know just how proud she was.

"I've never had anyone in my life like her." Lyla admitted, blurting the words out as if she were afraid Tara would get angry about it. "She cared about me, about my son. She didn't have to, but she did."

Tara could have told her it wouldn't make her angry to know Lyla cared about Luanne. The kind of woman Luanne was, it was entirely too easy for people to manipulate that kindness. Lyla earned points just by not being one of those people. "She really was the best."

Lyla nodded. "She was."

"Boys will probably be out soon girls," Gemma said as she started passed them towards the TM office. "Better get into position."

"On our backs with our legs in the air." Tara quipped, with a smirk near identical to the one Gemma often flashed.

"Clever little smartass." Gemma muttered but continued towards the office.

* * *

><p>Tara thought the last time she saw the SAMCRO clubhouse so full was Jax and Wendy's reception. Thinking about that was always a mixed bag. No matter her issues with Wendy or how much they disliked each other, Tara was ashamed of her behavior that day. On the other hand just thinking about the way she and Jax came together had arousal curling almost painfully in her stomach.<p>

More she thought it was an extremely inappropriate time to be getting turned on. And that her thoughts should be focused on Clay and whatever the hell he was saying regarding the safety of everyone. There were a lot of nervous faces, some confused faces. Jax seemed content in a way she hadn't seen in months, Gemma was very much in her element. Things would happen in the next twenty-four hours that could go exactly the way Jax had planned or completely to hell. That's where her thoughts needed to be, on her man on his safety. Not on rather or not she could sneak him back to the apartment for an hour before he needed to leave.

When Juice came up behind her, placing a friendly hand on her shoulder, she nearly jumped clear out of her skin, afraid that everyone could see the dirty turn her mind had taken during a very serious moment. "You alright, Doc?"

The distraction would have been welcome regardless. But the smile Tara gave Juice was completely genuine. She found it really hard _not_ to respond to the open friendly smile Juice was always flashing. "I'm good. You?"

"Same, I guess." Juice reached down to run a hand over Nikolai's head. "Is it me or does he look smaller like this?"

"I've found he weighs a good twelve pounds lighter." With a grin, she gave him a playful jab in the side with her elbow. "Before you head out tonight come see me, I want to check you over."

"Alright. But I promise, I'm a hundred percent."

Tara didn't doubt that, but for her own piece of mind she just wanted to make sure herself.

"Popping these kids out awfully fast aren't you, sweetie."

There were couples, when put on paper made little to no sense. And Tara was sure that to some she and Jax were one of those couples. But Piney and Mary, everything about them made sense. So much so that Tara understood just why they didn't work out. "I only popped out one, Mary." She pointed out as she turned to face Opie's mother.

"Couldn't tell it by me." Mary leaned in to brush her lips over Tara's cheek before taking Abel's carrier. "I swear this one is starting to look like you." Sitting the carrier on the bar, she struggled a bit with the straps before pulling Abel out and settling him in her arms.

"Oh, shit." Juice laughed as he looked from the frown Tara was giving Mary to the near identical one Abel was wearing. "I see it."

Before Tara could point out to both of them that Abel was the mirror image of Jax, her name was shouted from across the clubhouse.

"Tara!"

Glad that Mary had taken Abel, as she was lifted several inches off the ground, Tara flung her arms around the neck of the young man she hadn't seen in nearly a year. "Dooney!"

It wasn't that she was surprised by his height. Anthony "Dooney" Harris had started to sprout at the age of fourteen, at sixteen he was already looking down on her. He didn't pack on muscle like his father, but despite his slight frame the kid was strong, and had loved to show it off by lifting her up. He was a handsome kid, always had been, with a pair of big blue eyes that were a shade or two darker than his father's. He wore his dark brown hair long so that it fell in his face. A face that, at nineteen, was still balanced on that precarious line between boy and man.

What _was_ surprising, and more than a little upsetting, was the brand new kutte he was proudly sporting. She'd helped him fill out his application to the University of Washington, had been there when he got his acceptance letter. Actually she had bought him a top of the line mini-fridge for his dorm room. He wasn't suppose to prospect, he was suppose to give college a try. His life was suppose to be something different. Doozer never made his feelings known regarding his son and the club, though everyone knew he'd want his only son to prospect. Teresa never made much noise on the subject either, but Tara could remember the look of relief on the woman's face when Dooney was accepted into UW. Tara wasn't sure what to make of the fact that, at the end of the day, despite his parents not making their feelings known, Dooney was still a prospect.

It was in his blood. Just as it was in Nikolai and Abel's blood. The truth of which did not sit well with her.

* * *

><p>It took longer for Jax to cross the distance of the clubhouse than it should have. But with the number of people packed inside and each one stopping him to talk, getting from one end to the other was not an easy task. By the time he reached Tara, Kozik and Needles had joined her, Juice and the kid prospect that was standing with them. Nikolai was perched on Kozik's shoulders, and from the grin on his face it was clear Nik was enjoying being taller than everyone in the room.<p>

"So…Kozik sponsored you?" Tara's gaze slipped to Kozik, who suddenly found something across the room extremely interesting.

"I know what you're thinking, Tara." The kid begin, giving her a look that instantly melted the glare she'd been sending Kozik. "I tried at U-Dub, I really did. But it wasn't for me. No matter what I did, I didn't fit."

"Hey," Jax slapped the kid on the back before moving in to hug Needles and sharing a one armed hug with Kozik. "Glad you boys could make it."

"Come on, man." Kozik began as he gave Nikolai's foot a tug that had him slipping off his shoulders and into his arms. "You need us, we're here. I bet you don't even recognize the kid."

Jax turned to study the prospect, eyes narrowing a bit. "Oh, shit. Dooney?"

"Hey, Jax."

"Fuck," Jax drew the word out. The kid had been four years old when Tara moved to Charming from Tacoma, it was four years later when Dozer and Teresa finally married. Any sooner and Lenny wouldn't have been sending Tara to Charming with Gemma because Teresa would have been around to help raise her. But since Teresa didn't move to Tacoma until after she and Dozer were married, Tara was sent to Charming so Gemma could bring her up.

It had been years since Jax seen the kid, before Nikolai was born for sure. Truthfully Jax hardly paid much attention to the kid. Well except for when Dozer and Teresa would bring him to town and he'd decide to spend all his time parked under Tara. "When the hell did this happen?"

"Fuck that," Kozik, having spent the last several years watching the kid grow up, waved away Jax's question. "I want to know what had the princess going all Delilah on the kid here."

"Fuck you, Kozik." The words were out of Tara's mouth before she realized it. And from the pleased, slightly manic smirks on Jax and Nikolai's faces, they were not going to let her get away with it. Nikolai would repeat what she said and Jax would take great pleasure in the fact that he picked up a bad word from her. "Gemma took him to Floyd's because he got paint in it."

"The kid seems to still be functioning at full badass." Needles observed quietly. "So it's not entirely like Samson and Delilah."

"Can we move on from his hair," Tara did her best to keep the whine out of her voice. "We just got him over it."

"How long did it take you two to get over it?" Kozik wondered.

"We're still working on it." Jax admitted.

"Alright boys," Clay wandered up to the group, gave everyone a nod. "We need to ride out."

"Clay," Jax nodded towards the kid. "It's Dooney."

The serious expression that Clay had been wearing flashed from confusion to surprise to recognition. "Goddamn. How's it going, kid?"

"Good."

"Staring to look more and more like your old man." Clay gave the kutte a tug. "Time for you to get some dirt of this thing."

From the corner of his eye, Jax caught the way Tara winced. Slipping an arm around her waist he pulled her away from the group. He knew where her mind was, that she was concerned for the young boy eager to make his mark in the club. He wouldn't tell her things would be cool. He knew where Dooney's head was, what he'd been thinking, what it meant to have that legacy over his head. Tara wouldn't be able to keep Dooney from getting into shit, Jax wouldn't lie and tell her that she could. But on one point he could ease her mind. "Hey, he's not going tonight. We'll leave him here to protect the clubhouse."

It may have been the plan to begin with. Tara knew once Dooney became a prospect, Teresa had no say in the duties he'd be given. But she was almost sure the boy's mother would have pitched a fit if he was going with the rest of the guys tonight and Dozer would have been aware of that. More she didn't see Jax taken a green prospect out with them tonight. Still, Tara gave Jax a grateful smile as if Dooney being left at the clubhouse was all for her. "Thank you."

"I've got some things to take care of. See you in a bit, alright." Pulling her close, Jax brushed his lips over her jaw.

At the first touch of his lips on her, Tara clutched his kutte unable to suppress the shudder that rippled through her. She'd thought she'd gotten her hormones under control, she'd been wrong.

"You alright?" Feeling the way she shuddered Jax pulled back to study her face but his concern quickly vanished. He knew the look in her eye and it had nothing to do with fear or nerves. "Fuck, Tara." Seeing her turned on had his body responding immediately. "Now?"

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me." Tara spoke the words softly into his chest.

There was a grin on Jax's lips as he brushed them over her brow. "Maybe this whole thing is bringing back memories." He realized too late he shouldn't have said that as his mind quickly jumped to the night of his and Wendy's reception. "Fuck. We're going to take care of this. Before tonight, I promise."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Teller."

"Jax!" Clay called. "Time to ride."

"Alright," Jax gave Clay a nod before turning his attention back to Tara. "Don't worry, babe, that's a promise I fully intend to keep."

* * *

><p>It was a quiet moment, one he needed and was glad Tara understood. Though he shouldn't have been surprised, she was good at understanding what he needed without him having to tell her. The odd juxtaposition wasn't lost on him-feeding his son and putting him down for the night before he went out to beat the shit out of the men who raped his mother. Holding his son put things into perspective for him. Looking down on Abel's face, a face that looked more and more like his own with each passing day, reminded him of just how important tonight was. He couldn't fuck this up, couldn't deviate from his path. He had a son to get back to. Abel needed him. Tara and Nikolai needed him. He'd do what needed to be done tonight so he could go to bed tomorrow night knowing they would all be safe.<p>

"Jax," Opie's voice came through the door along with a soft knock. "Time to go brother."

Jax didn't respond, simply pulled Abel tighter to his chest for moment. Inhaling deeply he took in Abel's scent. He smelled of milk and baby powder and Tara. He loved that, loved the lingering scent of Tara that clung to both boys. "I love you." The words were whispered softly as he brushed his lips over Abel's cheek.

Carrying the peacefully sleeping baby over to the portable bassinet, Jax slowly laid him down. Still it took him a moment to walk away, had to brush a finger down Abel's nose, and couldn't help but smile at the way Abel frowned in his sleep. If he didn't know better he'd have said Abel looked exactly like Tara in that moment.

The lot was full when he stepped outside. Sons were with their Old Ladies, others were grouped together, he could feel the energy pouring off of each one of them. Tara and Nikolai were standing with Kozik. The smile on her face was strained at the edges as she watched Nikolai and Kozik play together. Kozik had his hands up, encouraging Nikolai to slam his tiny fists into his palm. The little boy was a ball of energy, bouncing on the balls of his feet as he circled Kozik like a prize fighter.

"Hey," Gemma slid her arms around her son's shoulders, hugging him tight before pulling back to press her lips to his cheek. "Remember you have a family to come back to."

Jax nodded. "Yes, ma'am."

When she pulled back she followed his gaze to where Nikolai and Tara were standing. There was a moments hesitation but she quickly brushed off the reactions she knew she'd get from Jax and Tara. If they had a problem, they wouldn't address it tonight. So it was as good a time as any to say something. "Hey, Nik, give your daddy a hug and kiss before he leaves."

Anger flashed briefly across Jax's features, the objection on the tip of his tongue when he thought his mother was referring to Kozik as Nikolai's daddy. But Nikolai was moving away from Kozik and running full speed at Jax. Anger quickly gave way to shock. Looking to Tara he could see the feeling reflected in her features as well. Her mouth dropped open like she was about to say something. Despite not wanting to correct Gemma, Jax wondered if he should say something. But there was nothing he could think to say, could only hold his arms out so Nikolai could launched himself into them.

As the boy's tiny arms locked around his neck, Jax would have sworn he felt something inside shift and click into place. His gaze flicked briefly to Tara, she was smiling at them. It was clear whatever she was going to say had been tossed away. Jax had no doubt she'd say something to Gemma later. But what mattered was that she didn't say anything now. This was right, Jax thought. Nik was his, just as he always should have been.

"Can I go with you?"

Jax's arms tightened momentarily. The urge to run Nikolai back to the apartment and lock him inside with Abel coursing through him. It was an innocent question, one Nikolai always asked when Jax left the house. But they hit him a bit differently this time. He wanted Nikolai and Abel to stay this young, this innocent forever. "Not this time, buddy. Next time okay." Nikolai nodded. Jax ran a hand over the top of the boy's head, eyes running over his face-Tara's face. He wondered if anyone ever looked at Nikolai and saw him the way he thought he saw Tara in Abel's face. Wondered if it was his mind playing tricks on him when he thought there was just a bit of himself in the curve of Nikolai's smile. "You take care of your mom and Abel until I get back, okay."

Again Nikolai nodded, his hand coming up to scratch at the scruff of hairs on Jax's cheeks. "Okay."

"I love you, Nik."

At this Nikolai beamed, both hands coming up to play in Jax's beard. "I love you."

The words were sure and clear and meant everything to him. Giving the boy one last hug, Jax kissed his cheek before setting Nikolai back on his feet. Brushing his hand over the top of Nikolai's head one last time, Jax gave his mother a smile before making his way to Tara.

When he reached her, he slipped his arms around her waist to pull her into his arms. The hold he had on her was tight, so much so it lifted her onto the tips of her toes. Burying his nose in her neck, it took him no time at all to find the place on the curve of her neck where her body wash remained strongest. But more he could smell the boys and himself. He fucking loved that.

Tara had to bite her tongue to keep from saying anything. Knowing that the things she wanted to say-don't go, find another way, whatever you do, come back to me-were not the things he needed to hear. So she said nothing, simply locked her arms tight around his neck. Closing her eyes she saw him as he'd been with Abel-eyes content, lips curled in a lazy smile as he gave the baby his bottle. Saw him as he'd been with Nikolai-the wonder and conviction on his face. He had to come back to her. If what she suspected was true, the test she bought after her run in with Margaret hidden in her medical bag just waiting to confirm her suspicions, then he had to come back to her. To them.

Seconds, Jax thought as he saw all the guys start to head for their bikes. He only had seconds more to hold her. Panic started to brush at the edges of his nerves, but as if she knew Tara's fingers brushed over the back of his neck, instantly soothing him. Panic had no place in him, not tonight. Panic would get him killed. Panic would take him away from his family. And that was something Jax just couldn't allow to happen.


	11. Chapter 11

**I disclaim. I own nothing.**

**Chapter 10**

"That the one with Ope? The porn star?"

Standing at the bar with Mary and Gemma, Tara didn't bother glancing over her shoulder, she knew Mary was nodding towards Lyla, and it kind of pissed her off to see the blond sitting across the room. She didn't know what the hell made Lyla so special that she didn't have to help set out food.

"Didn't Piney pull you off the pole?"

Not the least bit offended, Mary's lips curled in a hint of a smile. "Back in my day it was an art form."

Tara couldn't help but to laugh, remembering why it was she loved being around Mary Winston. "I don't understand how she gets to sit. Shouldn't she be over here helping?"

Gemma stopped what she was doing long enough to turn to Tara with a disbelieving look. "You're one to talk since you disappeared when the rest of us were cooking."

"It wasn't cooking, Gemma, you were just warming the food up."

"What's this aversion you have to work?"

Honestly offended, Tara turned to face Gemma as well. "Aversion to work? I'd love to see you stand on your feet for sixteen hours straight cutting into a heart the size of a preemies fist."

"Yeah," Mary began. "But can you slide around a pole upside down by your ankles?"

"Depends on if it has to be done artistically or not." Tara mumbled.

Mary's eyes narrowed on Tara. "We should have beat the smartass out of you years ago."

Gemma scoffed. "Wouldn't have helped her none."

"I learned from two of the best."

"That's true," Mary conceded. And really Tara should have known nothing good for her would follow that concession. "Gemma did you know that while we were bringing in food and stuffed back in that small kitchen sweating to death, Tara was in the back playing slap and tickle with Jax."

"That was a really shitty thing to do Mary." Looking completely offended, Tara pushed away from the bar and walked towards Lyla.

It didn't take long for Gemma to realize what Tara had done. "That clever little bitch. She got out of helping."

"Clever little bitch." Mary agreed. "Fifty percent of that's your fault, you know."

Gemma sighed. "Yeah. I know."

* * *

><p>Tara made sure to give Gemma and Mary a wide berth the rest of the night, a feat that wasn't exactly easy given the size of the space they were in. Which was funny because when she was a kid she thought the clubhouse was huge. When they were kids, she, Jax, and Opie would spend hours playing hide and seek. Those little nooks and crannies they found to hide in seemed so obvious now. And Opie always found the best places. It was something Tara never fully understood as he was big even as a kid, but still had the uncanny ability to tuck his body into the smallest places. Add in the fact that he could go completely silent and it was almost impossible to find him. With Jax all she had to do was wait him out, eventually he'd give himself up for fear that he'd been forgotten about.<p>

Nikolai had been playing those same games with Kenny, Ellie, and Piper. Another few years and Abel would be big enough to join in. And a few years after that….

The positive pregnancy test weighed heavily on her mind and was the real reason she had to escape. She thought now, with the results so fresh and her hormones so out of control, it would be best to put a little distance between herself and Gemma. She was sure one look from Gemma and she'd be spilling her guts. Right now she didn't want Gemma's influence because she knew the woman would only see one solution to her current situation.

Tara realized this was her own fault and really she shouldn't have been surprised. To say she and Jax had been lax in their safe sex practices would be a severe understatement. Now here she was, Nikolai just three years old, Abel eight months old, and another baby on the way. There was just no way she could handle that.

When she told Jax she wanted another baby or two, she had in no way meant immediately. Looking back she realized she should have known then, breaking down with him that way with everything else going on. Having another baby would be ridiculous. As good of a father as Jax was, there were still night he didn't come home. Nights when she had to deal with Nikolai and Abel on her own. And there was the hospital to consider. She was sure Margaret got her message and would be dropping the complaint, but just getting out of that situation and employed there for less than a year it wouldn't really be wise in another few months to take a maternity leave.

Not to mention the fact that she and the boys were currently in lock down with the family of all the other members because someone was coming after the club. Luanne was dead, Gemma had been raped. Tara knew what Jax said. She stood by the club, always would because that was how her father raised her. But no matter what, she would not be able to shake the fact that the horrible things that happened to the women she loved was because of the club.

There was too much to consider, too much to think about. She had to force herself not to think about the baby. Not to think about what Jax would want, what she wanted. Or Nikolai's face when she told him there was going to be another baby. To think about Abel, at barely a year old, being someone's big brother. Not to think about what the three of them-Nikolai, Abel, and the new baby-would look like together. If she did her decision would be made.

"Where's the madman?"

Tara looked up to see Dooney standing over her. The clubhouse had gotten a bit stuffy for her, so she stepped outside to get some air. In the last few hours she was still no closer to being use to seeing Dooney in the kutte. She could still remember him as a kid. He'd cut the sleeves off a denim jacket once, strutted around extremely proud of himself and the crude reaper he'd drawn on the back.

Considering that now, she should have realized that he'd eventually find his way back. She'd thought getting him into the University of Washington had been for the best, figured having him a little closer to home would help him acclimate better. Earlier she wondered if it would have been better for him to go to a school farther away. Now she realized it wouldn't have mattered.

It made her sad but she did her best to hide it. Over the last few hours she noticed Dooney watching her off and on. He was still so young, being Dozer's son he knew what the club was, knew what it meant to be an outlaw but he hadn't yet learned to mask his feelings. He was worried she was disappointed in him, it was written so plainly on his face it near broke her heart. Even now, as he asked a seemingly innocent question, she could see the need for her approval.

Tara wanted to tell him she had no place to judge him considering she kissed her boyfriend goodbye like he was going off to work when in truth he'd been going off to commit murder. That she trusted that same man, and several with him, implicitly with her son. That she, herself, shot a man, watched her boyfriend finish him off, and then proceeded to have sex next to the cooling body. More she loved the wide-eyed boy in front of her and she couldn't stand for him to think that him prospecting could shake that love.

"He's down for the night." Holding up her hand, Tara gave the baby monitor a wave. The gentle sound of her boys breathing could just be made out. "How'd you get your dad to agree to let you come along on this?" She could remember when Opie and Jax became prospects. Piney and Clay had kept the two of them within arms length always, watching their every move, and riding them harder than anyone else who ever wore the prospect kutte.

Dooney gave a jerk of his shoulders as he dropped down next to her at the picnic table. "SAMCRO needed help, there was no keeping Kozik back, but my old man needed his guys for a run. He didn't want to just send Kozik and Needles. So I got to come on strict orders not to fuck up and embarrass him."

"Touching."

"I shed a tear."

They sat together quietly, both leaning forward with their elbows on their knees. It was full dark now but the men left behind were even more on alert even as the women and children inside began to settle down for the night. Tara had no desire to be involved in the who sleeps where discussion that began once the hour grew late. The clubhouse only boasted three rooms that could be called bedrooms-the apartment that for all intents and purposes belonged to Jax, the smaller room Tara claimed as her own years ago, and a third bedroom that was big enough to fit nothing more than a bed. Because of the boys Tara had gotten the apartment and because it was the largest she also got Kenny and Ellie. Gemma took Tara's room, alone. Mary took the third bedroom and no one bothered to fight her on it. The where and how of where everyone else would sleep was now up to Gemma to sort out.

"I got a question for you." Dooney turned to look at Tara, who prompted him to continue with a look. "What happens to a prospect if his sponsor transfers?"

"I don't know. Why? Who's transferring?"

"I um, I heard my old man, Kozik, and Cas talking about it. All of this," Dooney waved his hand around to encompass the lot. "It's got Kozik kind of freaked. He wants to come back to Charming."

Of course he does, Tara thought a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her lips. Kozik was always taking care of her. She was almost sure that if there'd been a chapter in Illinois he'd have transferred there while she was at Loyola. "I wish I could tell you. But I know Kozik, he's not going to transfer and not make sure you're covered." Tara wanted to reach out and run a hand through his hair, to soothe the worry she saw etched into his brow. But he wasn't a child anymore and it just wouldn't be fair to treat him like one, especially in front of the other members. "Can I ask _you_ something?"

"Uh," Dooney gave a nervous smile. "Yeah?" He didn't sound at all sure about his decision.

"I was in Tacoma a few months ago with Gemma and the boys. I was there two weeks and you didn't even bother to come see me. The texts you sent," And she realized now that he never called. She should have known something was up with him then. "Never once mentioned that you were back home."

Dooney ran a hand through his hair, a useless gesture as it fell right back into his face. "I thought you'd be mad at me. I just wanted to avoid seeing that disappointed look on your face." He brought his hand up to his mouth, tugging nervously at his bottom lip. "I've seen you get mad at Kozik and Cas, give them both that disappointed look. I like it better when you're proud of me."

Okay, Tara thought as she looked over at his impossibly young face, there was no way she wouldn't be able to run reassuring fingers through his hair. And she was glad that instead of merely tolerating her touch, he leaned into it. "I am proud of you. Needles said you've been taking your prospecting duties seriously. You're not trying to get by on who your dad is." Leaning in close to his ear, Tara lowered her voice so only he could hear her. "That's going to be your club some day. You know that, but you're not taking it for granted. I'm proud of you."

The grin Dooney sent her this time was wide and his movements were quick when he leaned in to brush his lips over her cheek. "I've really missed you, Tara."

"I've missed you, too."

"I have to take a turn on the roof. We'll catch up later, yeah?"

Giving him a soft smile, Tara ran her hand over his hair one last time. "Yeah. Once all of this calms down, I'll have you and the guys over for dinner before you head back. I'm sure by then we'll all need something quiet and normal."

* * *

><p>Jax was coming. He would have heard her. He would have known that she wouldn't just hang up the phone. He'd have heard her, would have worried about her, and he'd come for her. He always came for her.<p>

This situation wasn't foreign to her. She'd been here, not even five months ago with another crazed mad with a gun. She knew how to handle this, knew how to bide time until an opportunity presented itself. All she had to do was stay calm. But her heart was racing. And Abel was so very far away from her. If she could have Abel closer. If the crazed man wasn't standing between them, then she'd have a better idea what to do.

This wasn't at all like what happened with Kohn. Then it was just her and she knew what to say to Josh. Knew all the twisted things he wanted to hear. This man, despite the fact that she saved his life, she hadn't known at all. She didn't know what had set him off, didn't know why it was he wanted to hurt Jax. And now there were three other lives in this situation with her, three other lives she had to consider.

Tara didn't know what to do. Only knew that she needed to stay calm. If she was in a surgery, if her patient coded, she couldn't panic. The last thing she needed to do now was panic. All she had to do was wait for Jax. Because he was coming. She knew he was coming.

She waited. But Cameron didn't. He was standing between her and Abel. And she just wanted to get to the baby. But it seemed like Cameron wanted the same thing as well. When he went for Abel, she and Kip jumped up at the same time. It all happened so fast. She should have known better than to move, then to do something to send the situation spiraling. But the knife was on Abel and she had the move.

The knife was on Abel, then it was inside Kip. Tara could have sworn she heard it go in. If she closed her eyes she could see the direction it took. She heard the gurgle of blood in Kip's throat, the squishy sound the knife made as it slid out of him. And she heard the last breaths the young vet took.

Cameron was crying and so was she and so was Abel. It was Abel's cries she tuned in to. He was holding her boy with a bloody knife in his hand. A grieving father with a dead body at his feet, there was no telling what he would do. If she moved he could hurt Abel, kill her. Tara's mind worked at a frantic pace but could not click on a single thing to do. The ever present thought in her mind was that she couldn't let him hurt Abel.

Jax was coming. All she had to do was make sure Cameron didn't hurt Abel. Keep him calm just long enough for Jax to arrive. Jax would come. Then it would be over.

* * *

><p>The call came in to Kozik's cell and he was on his bike in an instant. He didn't bother to give Needles or Dooney an explanation. But once he told them it was Tara, they hadn't needed any further explanation. Nikolai was with Mary and seemed content. He knew Jax had taken off for home with Chibs and Opie, but he was sure whatever it was would be taken care of between the three of them.<p>

When he got to the house, there was a coroner's van out front and everything in him turned to ice. Every moment he had with her flashed through his mind. He remembered the teasing grins she would flash him when he was a kid. The annoyance he felt because he liked being angry and sullen and it was really fucking hard to remain so around her laughing green eyes. He could remember the way she would look at him as though he'd hung the moon for her. The way she would sneak into his room at night and sleep at the foot of his bed whenever she had a nightmare. He remembered when she stopped being the sweet little girl that made him smile and became the wild young woman who made his heart race. He remembered how sweet she tasted on the back of his tongue.

She was the person who knew him best. And there was nothing about her he didn't know. To lose her…Kozik was sure it would destroy him.

When he walked into the house, when he saw her crying on Hale's shoulder, he felt relief. The guilt would come later, the way he blocked out what was clearly a fucked a situation would weigh on him, but in that instant he was so fucking grateful that she was alive he could hardly breathe.

Air came back to him soon enough because he could have sworn he was breathing for the both of them. Tara could hardly speak through her tears. Kozik could only pick up every other word. It was Hale that explained, over the sounds of Tara's great wracking sobs, that Abel had been taken. The body out front was Half-Sac.

Kozik ended up carrying her out of the house. Needles packed the bags, Hale said she and Jax would have to be out of the house for a few days. He placed her in front of him on his bike, it was highly illegal but he just didn't give a shit. She was destroyed and for however long it took for him to get her back to the clubhouse he would hold her. Because he knew her. She'd break down now but if Jax didn't come back with Abel, she'd put aside whatever she was feeling and try to be strong for him.

There was no way for him to know how they'd deal with that outcome. How'd they'd survive the extremely bad turn this whole thing would take. But he knew he'd be with his girl every step of the way. Just as he'd always been.

* * *

><p>Opie attached Jax's bike to the back of the tow. The other man was in no shape to ride back, would probably still be broken down on the end of the pier if Clay hadn't lifted him by his shoulders. Opie had quickly stepped in to take his friend's weight off of Clay, allowing Jax to lean heavily against him as he walked him to the tow Piney pulled up in.<p>

It was Clay that took Piney and the rest of the club off to the side. Something was going on with Gemma, but Opie didn't take the time to hear what it was. He hated thinking it but he thought whatever she'd done could be put aside until they found Abel. He really fucking hoped Clay was telling the guys as much, making sure they put all their resources into finding the kid. If they didn't, Opie wasn't sure just what would become of his best friend.

When Piney came back to the truck, Opie shook his head. "I got him." Never let another man sit on your bike, sure as fuck never let another man ride it. But it wouldn't be just any other man, it was his old man. And despite everything, Opie truly believed Piney was the best man he knew. More his best friend needed him. "Think you can handle my bike, old man."

For a moment it looked like Piney was going to knock Opie clear across his head. He could handle anything with wheels, he didn't give a shit what anyone said. But then he saw Jax, broken and done in the cab of the tow. He knew each second that passed without Abel the boy would get even more broken. He'd seen it happen with JT. So he said nothing to Opie, only nodded.

Opie walked around to the driver's side door. His mouth opened to say something, but his brain could think of nothing to assuage the pain he could see his friend in. With a shake of his head, he climbed into the truck and couldn't help but think that once he had Jax safely back at the clubhouse, he needed to hold his own kids.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So that's the end of season 2 of the Tara Janowitx AU. I do plan on continuing. The next fic will probably be season 3 + the 14 months the guys were locked up. I want to thank everyone who read, reviewed, and alerted this fic. I really hope you are all interested enough to come back for the next one. And as always a really big thanks to Eve Levine.<strong>


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